


Arms Open

by AGirlWithPicturesInHerMind



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn, So much angst, Wayhaught endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 19:45:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 67,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14576295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGirlWithPicturesInHerMind/pseuds/AGirlWithPicturesInHerMind
Summary: Nicole doesn’t do love. She doesn’t even do crushes.But then she meets Waverly Earp, and her whole world is turned upside down. But is Waverly Earp enough to convince her that love doesn’t mean pain?





	1. It Starts at the End

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Arms Open by The Script.
> 
> This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written, but also one of the most fun.
> 
> Happy reading :-)
> 
> P.S. GayestEarp - thanks for making my story better, and 8Twelve - thanks for making my story readable. This wouldn’t be up right now if it weren’t for you.

The midnight sky was a dark abyss, but the full moon was bright—a light at the end of the tunnel. The street lamps illuminated half of Nicole’s face, and the shadows on her right cheek exposed her cheekbone. Her jeans were stuck to her legs uncomfortably, and her old shoes squeaked with every step she took as she ran past the homes that were built when Purgatory was founded centuries ago.

Although the rain was heavy—and on the edge of a thunderstorm—she didn’t hear the plonk hitting her head over and over again. The only sound in her ears was the heavy pounding of her heart. It reminded her of her childhood, of the heavy hammer hitting the side of the neighbor’s home steadily as he renovated it. An offbeat to the moans of her mother and her random fuck of the day.

She shook her head, ridding her hair of the drops of rain, and her head of the sounds that made her this way. Closed off. Afraid. Alone. _I can be different. My life can be different_ , she thought. Shivering from head to toe, vibrating like the phone in her back pocket—probably a call from the woman she had ditched last minute—she continued down the road as a small but persistent pain formed at her side. Her bright red hair fell in front of her face, sticking to her eyelid for a moment before she threw it back, and it came down on her leather jacket with a slap. It brought her back to reality, and she ran faster.

Tears were streaming down her face now, hot tears she could distinguish from the rain. To think that for the first time in her life someone genuinely loved her, it was overwhelming. To think that she’d managed to fuck it up, it was heartbreaking. To think that she actually loved her back, it was terrifying. It was terrifying, and it was _magic_. But she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t run from her feelings. The pain was consuming her, eating her alive like chattery teeth walking inside of her, biting and destroying everything in its path and leaving behind venom.

She was almost there. She was so close to the woman she knew was the love of her life, and it was getting hard to breathe. She needed her, craved her. She wanted to breathe her in. But what do you say to the person who told you they loved you, and all you could do was remind them that you weren’t even together?

 _I’m here for you and you only. Whenever you’re ready, my arms are open_ , she’d replied. Then she left, walked out on whatever they had. That was 2 weeks ago. And Nicole had felt a lot of heartbreak in her life, but never anything like that. It was like someone had taken that stupid hammer and clammed it down to her heart, breaking it into a thousand pieces.

But that was then, and this was now… and she was here. Nicole stood in front of the old house, catching her breath—but only for a second because there was no time to waste. The pain at her side and the burning in her legs was only a slight inconvenience as she walked to the doorstep, passing the abundant plants Waverly took care of the way a mother took care of her newborn. She didn’t pause, only lifted her hand, curling it into a fist along the way and knocked with a desperate need that she realized would probably only scare Waverly until she opened the door.

And then she did, and Waverly’s wide eyes were filled with shock and confusion which suddenly turned into worry when she took in Nicole’s soaked body.

“Nicole!” Waverly yelled. She grabbed Nicole’s wrist and pulled her inside. “What the hell are you doing out there? Why are you here? You’re soaking wet!” She doesn’t let Nicole answer any of her questions, and instead runs down the hall without explanation.

Nicole stood by the doorway where she was dripping water onto the hardwood floor, leaving a large puddle she would probably clean up later. Now that she was still, her body started to shiver more, and she couldn’t stop her teeth from chattering.

Waverly ran back in, 2 towels in hand, and she grabbed Nicole’s cold wrist again and lead her into the hallway. Nicole followed her without questioning—mostly because she was so cold she couldn’t speak. The only sound coming from her was the squeaking of her shoes and the chattering of her teeth. She was briefly reminded of the venom, the pain that she had carried all these years, and she remembered, _I’m here for Waverly. I’m here because I love her_.

“Waverly,” Nicole said, but Waverly ignored her, and next thing she knew, they were in the bathroom. Waverly was filling up the tub. “Waverly,” she tried again, this time more forcefully, more _desperate_. It sounded like she was whining, and she hated it.

“Stop talking, Nicole. We’ll talk about why you’re here, and why you’re soaking wet after you get warm. I don’t want you to get hypothermia and die. I mean, what would I do with the body?” Waverly asked, her eyebrows raised and eyes filled with worry and amusement at her own joke.

Nicole nodded, the laugh in her eyes, but her teeth still clattering away like a drill. A drill like the neighbor used to use when he was renovating his house again. Him and his wife were always insatiable. Just like her mom. She cleared her throat when Waverly cleared hers.

“I’m going to take this off, okay?” She pointed to her leather jacket, and Nicole nodded. She hated being taken care of, she wasn’t useless or incapable, but with Waverly it didn’t feel that way. Waverly knew she didn’t need anyone, there was nothing to prove. _Surrender is not weakness_ , Waverly had told her. And Nicole believed her. (Sometimes.)

Nicole managed to take off her shoes, and Waverly stripped her of her clothes as water filled the tub, calming Nicole’s nerves. By the time Waverly removed her undergarments, Nicole was shaking like a leaf in a hard wind. She was bare and vulnerable, but she felt safer than she had in the weeks since they’d last talked.

“Get in, love,” Waverly said in a soft voice that just barely reached Nicole’s ears.

With no argument from Nicole, she stepped into the hot water that immediately felt amazing on her feet, and Waverly helped her sit down until the water engulfed Nicole to the top of her chest. Her shivering lessened dramatically. _Love is stupid_ , Nicole thought as she began to warm. All of this for her? But then she thought— _all this for her_ , and it seemed that she would do it again, next time in a hurricane for the woman she loved.

❧

**2 and half months ago**

Van Morrison’s _Brown Eyed Girl_ was blasting through the air, and the irony of the title didn’t slip by Nicole. Not when the Brown Eyed Girl happened to be sitting right across the room. The lights were always dim in Shorty’s, giving the bar a more relaxing feel.

But despite the lack of light, it was enough for Nicole to see the brunette glancing her way, unafraid to keep looking when Nicole met her eyes.

It was hard not to notice when she had been doing it almost every night for the past two weeks. As Nicole took a swig of her beer, she stared at her side profile. How old was she? Twenty-five, maybe? Wasn’t she a little to old to play around and go around feelings?

If she wanted to fuck, she could’ve just gone up to her, and flirted a little—that’s all it took to get Nicole to bed someone anyway. Not that she was ashamed of it, life was too short to not sleep with the people you wanted to sleep with. Beside, the comments about her didn’t bother her. (Usually.) Why was it that she was “easy,” but when men had sex with a different girl every night they were “players?” Fuck that.

But this woman, she didn’t do that. She just sat with her friends, and stared. And deep down, Nicole knew why. There was no lust in her eyes, no hunger or want. But she also wasn’t giving her flirty or shy looks—the looks that 6th graders gave each other from their assigned desks. No, the looks were something different. Something that made her boil and scream inside like a tea kettle ready to be lifted from the fire.

It was a look of wonder and curiosity. A look that made Nicole feel that she was, for once, being seen. But why the _hell_ was she looking at her that way? What was so goddamn interesting about her that she couldn’t just get up and talk to her?

Nicole hated this game, but she had to keep looking at her. She had to see—did she look at everyone that way? Was she glancing at other people, too?

After days of not-so-sly studying, she discovered that she did, but Nicole was far from happy with her conclusion. The brunette looked at everyone in a way where she made them feel important, but not once did Nicole see her give that same look of wonder she gave her.

And that brought her here. _Brown Eyed Girl_ in her ears, Brown Eyed Girl in her sight.

Tomorrow, Nicole decided as the woman she’d been playing pool with ran her fingers over hers, she would talk to her.

❧

The next night, the moon was a banana in the sky surrounded by ubiquitous stars in a dark blue sky. The cool air that had Nicole’s hair flowing forward, tickling her earlobes before she walked into the warmer bar was blocked when the door shut behind her.

It was a Tuesday night, and the place was emptier than the night before. Monday’s crowd was the _I hate that I’m back at my job again_ crowd, and everyone hated their job. So, there was always a lack of people the next night.

Nicole was so focused on scanning the room as she always did when she walked in that she was caught off guard when she saw who was standing behind the bar serving beer—Brown Eyed Girl. Nicole’s incredulity rose when she noticed that those brown eyes were staring at her now, and they were filled with amusement.

“Why do you always power pose when you walk in here?” she asked her, loud enough for her to hear over the slight chatter. She wore an amused smirk on her face.

Nicole scrunched her eyebrows. “What?” She didn’t move from her spot.

The brunette didn’t say anything. Instead, she set down the glass she was drying, straightened her back, tilted her chin up a bit, and rested her palms on her side. She was silent for a second, and then said, “Hey, this works. I feel more confident already.” She nodded to herself and looked impressed before relaxing.

Nicole looked down at herself. Power pose. _Do I always do this?_ she thought.

Brown Eyed Girl spoke again as she picked up the glass she’d set down. “Does it make you feel powerful? You don’t need to establish a position of leadership or whatever, you know? Everyone knows who you are.”

“You know who I am?” Nicole asked, not missing a beat and not bothering to hide her cynicism as she strode toward the bar.

“You’re Nicole Haught,” Brown Eyed Girl said. “And I’m Waverly Earp.” She didn’t extend her hand, instead continued with drying her next cup. Nicole liked that—she’d always thought that hand-shaking was weird.

“Where’s Hayley?” Nicole asked, leaning against the bar. She liked the pink-haired bartender, she always made snarky remarks about her and made her laugh, and was about the only friend she had in Purgatory.

Everyone avoided her like the plague, or even worse, an asshole. Just because she only liked flings and one night stands, and she broke hearts, didn’t make her Purgatory’s villain. Everyone swore that she was the devil that was finally going to pick them from Purgatory and send them to hell.

Of course, not everyone was like that. Some of the girls she took home didn’t judge her. But the problem was that those girls ended being the girls that she broke the hearts of. She was made out a villain, but she didn’t _want_ to break hearts. She always made it very clear in the beginning that flings were just flings.

Half of the girls she took home assumed that they could save her, cleanse her of her sins, and make her settle down. They all thought they were different, but they were just nice. It wasn’t her fault if someone ended up falling for her.

Everyone else in the town, _they_ were the assholes—the people who judged without having a conversation first. She, surprising the girls she slept with, was kind.

“She had a family emergency,” Waverly answered. “She went back to Toronto this afternoon. I’m taking her place for the rest of the month.”

“Oh,” Nicole said, her eyebrows creased, hoping that everything was okay. Finally, she sat down at the bar. “Can I get a beer, please?” she asked as she looked at the men across from her. She gave them a nod, and they pretended not to see her. Waverly set the beer down in front of her a minute later, and Nicole hoped that she didn’t notice the one-sided interaction. “Thank you,” Nicole said. “Want some advice?”

“About what?” Waverly leaned her elbows against the bar. The light above her made her brown eyes shine bright. Nicole could smell her coconut shampoo. “About bartending?”

“About which perverts to ignore when they’re giving you their best pick up lines,” Nicole said, taking a swig of her beer, her eyes peering over the glass and never leaving Waverly’s.

Waverly laughed. “Okay, then.”

Nicole smiled at her. She took advantage of the fact that Waverly probably didn’t know as much about her as she assumed Nicole did because she was actually talking to her. She wouldn’t talk to her again after this. Not after she asked around about her. That’s what everyone else did.

“There’s a set of brothers, the York brothers. Bunch of idiots. They have the worst pick up lines ever,” Nicole said.

“Please don’t tell me they use those shit ones that everyone knows?” Waverly asked with scared eyes and raised brows.

Nicole scrunched up her face to imitate Kyle York and deepened her voice, “Hey, are you from Tennessee because you’re the only ten _I_ see.”

Waverly laughed loudly at that, momentarily forgetting that she had customers waiting for her to give them more drinks. Nicole took in her bright eyes again, the reflecting light giving them more life, and her heart skipped a beat. She didn’t notice.

Around them, people were giving Waverly weird looks. Though one would think it was because she was laughing too loud, Nicole knew the truth. She knew what they’re thinking— _why is she talking to Nicole Haught?_ It was crazy how after 3 years of living in this small town, their judgement still hurt her. Fuck that.

When Waverly stopped laughing, Nicole noticed that she saw the weird looks. Questions suddenly arose in her eyes in waves—pun intended—but she gave the customers a weird look, and met Nicole’s eyes again. Waverly was looking at her with the same look that she’d been giving her since the two weeks she had moved to Purgatory—curiosity and wonder.

Nicole knew that when she left, Waverly would ask around about her, and after that, this conversation will have never happened. Nicole was already surprised that Waverly was talking to her in the first place. But she did, and they laughed about pick-up lines and shared the worst ones they’d heard for the next twenty minutes as Waverly served the customers.

“What do you really do?” Nicole asked, tapping her fingers against the bar. “You know, when you’re not bartending.”

“I’m going to be a teacher over at Purgatory Elementary. I teach first graders.” The smile that grew on Waverly’s face let Nicole know right away that she loved her job.

“So, you came here to work the next semester?” Nicole asked as she took a sip of her beer.

“Yeah, I did. I lived in Montreal, but a friend who teaches there has to go on maternity leave in a couple months, and she told me that Purgatory Elementary was desperate for a teacher, so she asked me,” she shrugged. “If I’m being honest, I didn’t even know where Purgatory was. My friend and I hadn’t seen each other in years.”

Nicole laughed at that. “Why’d you take the job then?”

Waverly shrugged—it was a shrug that said _it’s a long story_. “I needed change, a new beginning, and it felt right, I guess. Like it was calling to me... is that weird?”

Nicole shook her head. “Not at all.” She kept her eyes on Waverly’s back as she turned to serve a few people tequila shots. They all looked young, so she assumed that one of them had finally turned twenty-one, and naturally, they made the dumb decision to celebrate on a Tuesday night.

When Waverly turned to face her again, she asked, “What about women? Any you advise that I stay away from?”

That question brought Nicole back to reality. It was so harsh and fast it would’ve given her whiplash if given the chance. She gave a dry chuckle.

 _Great, she’s into women,_ she thought, _her friends are definitely going to advise her to never talk to me again now_. 

She hadn’t had much hope, just a sliver, but hope was hope, and any hope of them being friends completely left her then, slid out of her brain like a snake slides out of its shed skin.

She looked down at the water that had dripped from her ice cold beer and formed a small puddle, and spread it around with her index finger. She looked up at Waverly with a blank expression. “Me.”

She downed her water, left it on the counter before getting up, and threw on her leather jacket. She walked out the bar, leaving Waverly in utter confusion. _Goodbye, Waverly Earp_ , was Nicole’s last thought before the crisp air wrapped around her face like a cold face mask.


	2. A Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)
> 
> Thanks to my betas—8Twelve & GayestEarp!

Nicole didn’t go to the bar the next two nights, but Friday night, she was back in full swing and ready to kiss a pretty girl. This time, the wind was cooler, and it made her fingertips numb. She almost turned around to go home to drink hot chocolate instead, but she thought that having a naked body on top of her would be warmer. She made her way into Shorty’s, prepared to receive nothing from Waverly, not even a glance. By now, she would have learned everything about Nicole, and about how she was a “slut” who broke hearts and was never in a relationship, and _blah, blah, blah._

Why did sluts have to be defined as trashy? She liked meaningless sex, so fucking what? That didn’t make her any less human, in fact it made her _more_ human.

 She made her way in and once again—she stood in her power pose, as Waverly had called it—and took everyone in. The place was packed. Each table was taken, the pool table was being used, and people sat at the bar and stood by the jukebox. Everyone was having a good time with a friend. Nicole let out a sad sigh, and went to the bar where she, unfortunately, would have to order from Waverly. There was no way that she could get around not speaking to her. Where was Hayley when you needed her?

She wasn’t sure why she was so disappointed this time around. She always was, sure, but Waverly was… well, she didn’t know what it was about Waverly that made her sulk around the last few days. Even the guys at work were worried about her sad mood, and being the only female construction worker in Purgatory, they never really paid attention to her.

Walking toward the bar, she could feel judgmental eyes on her as always. She dug her nails into her palm, leaving red crescent moons, and she hid her cringe of pain when she sat on a stool that had just been abandoned.

“Can I get a beer, please?” Nicole asked, looking beside Waverly at the crowd by the pool table instead of meeting her eyes when she stood in front of her.

“Sure,” Waverly said. Nicole closed her eyes and let out another sigh. A second later, a glass was put in front of her. Beer slid down the side of the cup, falling onto the counter like rain on a car window.

“That was really dramatic, by the way,” Waverly said, still in front of her. “The way you walked out of here a couple days ago after I asked you which girls I should avoid.”

Nicole paused, her beer midway to her mouth. She didn’t say anything, only looked at Waverly with wide eyes, and her mouth slightly agape. She actually stumbled on her words. “Um—w—what?”

Waverly gave her an amused look—low head tilt to the right, and raised eyebrows. “Cat got your tongue?”

Nicole put her beer back down without having taken a drink. She looked around, her eyes meeting a few others’ that were looking at their interaction. They looked as confused as she did, but there was also something else—something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

She thought that the room had gotten a little quieter suddenly, but she knew that was just her imagination. When she looked back at Waverly, the amusement hadn’t left her eyes. She threw her towel over her shoulder as most bartenders do, and leaned her palms against the bar. Nicole couldn’t help but think that she looked _incredibly_ hot.

She focused her attention back on the conversation with a shake of her head. She leaned close to Waverly and whispered, “Why are you talking to me?”

Waverly got down to her level, and when she was at eye level, she turned to her right slowly and then to her left, and when she faced Nicole again she said, as if announcing a huge secret, “Because Nicole Haught, I find you… interesting.”

Nicole’s eyebrows scrunched together, creating wrinkles in her forehead. “Interesting...” she said. It was meant as a question, but it came out as more of a statement that Nicole tried to affirm to herself. Her eyes were faraway and indecipherable, like a ship you could just barely see in a heavy fog. Suddenly, the fog disappeared and the ship was in full sight, and Nicole asked, “Why?”

Waverly shrugged, and she turned around to serve another customer, allowing Nicole the time to wrap her head around the confession. _Why isn’t she repulsed by me?_ she thought. But then the realization came to her—she was. All of this, it was just a game. A dare, probably. It was the only thing that made sense.

Nicole felt her face get hot, and she clenched her jaw. To think that someone actually wanted to talk to her, to have actually been fooled for a split second… she wouldn’t let it happen again. She scoffed in disbelief, and when Waverly turned back around, the amusement that she had swirling around her eyes like the sky in Van Gogh’s’ _The Starry Night_ turned to worry.

“Nicole, are you okay?” Waverly asked, clearly having heard the scoff filled with anger. She stood in front of Nicole, no longer bending down to get a rise out of her.

Nicole met her eyes, unafraid, fiery, and most surprisingly to Waverly, hurt. “What kind of game are you playing here?” She kept her voice down, only loud enough for Waverly to hear. The last thing she wanted was more attention, but then she thought, _they all must already know_. The look in their eyes, the ones that were staring at her and Waverly, that could’ve been amusement of their own. It looked like they were all sharing an inside joke. They _must_ know.

Waverly almost took a step back—Nicole could tell by the way she leaned back a little bit. “Game? What are you talking about?”

Still keeping her voice low, she said, “I’m not going to fall for your little trick, okay?” Nicole scoffed again.

Nicole saw understanding settle into Waverly, and her anger dissipated a little bit only because confusion joined the party. Waverly muttered something under her breath and walked out of the bar, and into Shorty’s office—who was rarely in. 30 seconds later, he walked out with Waverly and took her place in the bar, then Waverly was beside her, taking her hand and leading her into the office she had just walked out of.

The first thing Nicole noticed was that the room was really small and smelled musky. There were crates in the corner filled with bottles of champagne and wine, and boxes of files and paper. There was an old desk near the wall—well, the room was so small it was practically near _all_ the walls—and an ancient desktop and computer. Hadn’t Shorty heard of laptops? Her attention was brought back to the present when Waverly snapped her fingers in front of her.

“I’ve heard all about you, Nicole,” Waverly said the second Nicole’s attention was on her. “I know that you take a different girl home almost every night because I’m here a lot, and I have eyes. I’ve heard that you break hearts, but not once in the two years that you’ve been here have you been in an actual relationship. Almost everyone that I talked to called you a skank or a slut”—Nicole flinched unnoticeably—“but there was one thing I noticed that everyone had in common.”

Nicole, who was already hurt, forced herself to say, “And what was that?”

“Nobody fucking knows you!” Waverly exclaimed with a humorless laugh in her voice. “God this place is full of shit-tickets,” she muttered to herself, shaking her head, probably wondering why she agreed to take that teaching position.

“I know,” Nicole said, still unsure of what to say. She was overwhelmed.

“I don’t care about your stupid sex habits,” Waverly said, a laugh leaving her as she sat at the edge of Shorty’s desk. “When everyone called you those things, I _defended_ you. I had your back.”

“You-you did?” Nicole asked with wide, astonished eyes.

Waverly gave her a small, nice smile. “You’re a human, Nicole. So you like to have sex every night with strangers, you don’t deserve the words or the treatment you’re getting.” Waverly met her eyes, which had turned serious and said, “I think you’re alright.”

Even shocked, Nicole still had her wits. She leaned against the only wall that didn’t have anything leaning on it, and put her foot up against it, her arms crossing in front of her. “ _Just_ alright?”

Waverly scoffed and rolled her eyes, her own arms crossing in front of her as she remained seated at the edge of the desk. “Just alright. So what do you say, Haught? You wanna be friends or what?”

Nicole wanted to smirk. She liked Waverly’s bluntness, but, did she believe her? Nicole bit her lip, and looked at Waverly. _Really_ looked at her. She could immediately see the honesty in them, the clear eyes that hid nothing, and it was then that she decided to risk it. She said, “I say, to celebrate this newfound friendship, you buy me another beer.”

Waverly rolled her eyes again—Nicole had a feeling she would be doing that a lot from now on—and made her way out. “Only if you sit here and keep me entertained,” Waverly said.

“I think I can do that.” Nicole sat on the stool and said hello to Shorty—one of the few who could care less about her sex life—before he made his way back into his office. Waverly, who was now back behind the bar set a beer in front of her, and her doing that is what truly convinced her that Waverly wasn’t lying. If she’d been lying to her in the office, she wouldn’t be talking to her now. But they did talk. They talked about anything and everything for the next couple of hours. Nicole didn’t want to get drunk, so she drank water every now and then.

She’d be an idiot to be intoxicated while having a good conversation with Waverly. She deserved her utmost attention after defending her, after taking a chance. She couldn’t believe it—someone had looked at her with a set of clear, curious eyes.

They were still getting dirty looks, and Nicole knew that Waverly noticed them, but she just continued to serve them beer, and clean the bar, and talk to her, and make her feel seen. The difference was that this time Nicole didn’t hate it. She wasn’t sure why she hated it in the first place, anyway. It had just made her uncomfortable, she guessed. No had paid attention to her in a long time, and now that she was getting it, it felt unreal. Unreal but good. Because she was a human being, goddamnit, and she deserved to be treated like one.

After a couple hours of conversation with Waverly, Nicole noticed the woman giving her flirty looks from the jukebox as _Rehab_ by Amy Winehouse rang through the air.

Most of them hated her, found her repulsive, but no one hesitated to sleep with her. Nicole didn’t care. They were the ones who didn’t even sleep over—her favorite.

“Go,” Waverly said suddenly. “She’s been giving you those looks for half an hour now.”

Nicole shook her head, “No, I’m good.” She took a small sip of her cold water, and let the cup cool her fingertips.

“What do you mean you’re good?”

”I mean I’d much rather sit here on my ass all night and talk to you then sleep with some rando.”

“Oh.” Waverly blushed, her red cheeks completely exposed despite the bar’s low lit light.

“Yeah, oh,” Nicole said with a teasing grin.

“Well, how _romantic_ ,” Waverly said, throwing her hand dramatically over her heart and doing the worst British accent Nicole had ever heard. “But you don’t have to.”

Nicole raised her eyebrows at her in question. “I don’t have to what?”

“Sit here on your ass all night.” Waverly suddenly looked away and yelled, “Thirty minutes until closing!”

Groans were heard throughout the bar, and they sounded like a bunch of fans of a tv show when there was a cliffhanger—like a main character suddenly vanishing and throwing the next episode into an alternate universe.

Meanwhile, Nicole’s eyes widened as she checked the time on her phone. She looked at Waverly and said, “It’s one in the morning already?” Her jaw had slightly dropped. “We’ve been talking for _four hours_?”

“And a half,” Waverly said, sounding like a five-year-old who adds those extra six months to sound older. 

Nicole shook her head in disbelief, and then looked across the bar to two men who were giving her a dirty look and looking at Waverly in confusion. “Four hours, and people still won’t stop staring.”

Nicole didn’t mean to sound sad or disappointed, but it was how it came out, and next thing she knew Waverly’s hand was on hers. “Just remember that you’re not alone anymore, okay?”

Nicole gave her a soft smile, and turned her hand to squeeze Waverly’s. “Thank you. For not being a judgmental asshole, and for giving me a chance. I appreciate you, I really do.”

Waverly smiled back, “Any decent human being would do what I did.”

“Sure, but you were the only decent human in Purgatory to do what you did.”

Waverly nodded, her eyes suddenly glowing with amusement. “Okay, then you owe me a hot chocolate.”

Nicole let out a laugh, “I can do that. How about after you close up?”

“You’re not sick of me yet?”

“Not yet, but give it another two weeks.” Nicole laughed, but she stopped when Waverly didn’t laugh along with her. “Did I say something?” Nicole asked slowly. People around them were starting to get up in leave, but she stayed in her stool.

“No, nothing,” Waverly said, waving her hand and give a soft laugh. “Just ignore me.”

“Tell me,” Nicole said, her brows slightly furrowed.

Waverly looked down at the spot she was cleaning on the bar. It was already clean. “I’m going to sound like a dick.”

“Don’t worry, I’m used to it,” Nicole joked, but Waverly looked at her with soft eyes.

“Fine,” she said, leaving the towel in place and leaning her palms against the bar again.

“Like I said, everyone called you a heartbreaker and said that you never settle down. And even though this isn’t a relationship in that way, or whatever, friends can break each others’ heart, too. And well, I don’t know you all that well yet. I haven’t fully established my trust with you, you know? I guess I got scared for a second there.”

“Scared?” Nicole asked.

“Of this friendship sickening you, of you breaking my heart.”

Nicole looked at her, speechless. “I’m going to wait for you outside,” Nicole said with a small smile. She had to gather her thoughts. Waverly said okay, and kicked everyone out before cleaning up with Shorty.

Outside, resting against the wall, Nicole thought about what Waverly said. She’d been so focused on herself, on keeping her own feelings safe, and on trusting Waverly that she forgot that Waverly had to do the same. Sure, she was kind and defended her, but she knew about Nicole. The trust there would take time. They hadn’t been friends long enough for Nicole to prove to her that she would never intentionally hurt her.

“Hey,” Waverly said minutes later as she opened the door. She leaned against the wall beside Nicole.

Nicole smiled in response.

“Look”—Waverly ran a hand through her hair—“about what I said. I didn’t mean it like that. We just haven’t been friends long enough and—”

“It’s fine, Waverly. You’re right,” Nicole answered, turning to meet her eyes.

“I am?”

“You are. We may be friends, but we still need time to establish trust, but I won’t get sick of you, okay? I’m loyal. I can count on you, I hope, and you can count on me. Simple, right?”

Waverly nodded and smiled. “Simple. Now come on, I believe you owe me a hot chocolate.”

“I guess I do,” Nicole said, walking toward the the tWendy-four-hour open coffee shop. They walked to the nearest cafe, bought hot chocolates, and talked for another hour before calling it a night.

Later, as Nicole lay in bed with the lights off, but her eyes still open, she thought about Waverly and the look the other customers were giving her. It was confusion, yes, but it wasn’t amusement that shared the spot. It was _disgust_. Because Waverly was telling the truth—whatever the hell she heard from the other people, she defended her, and no one could believe it.

Nicole Haught had a friend.

She didn’t remember in the morning, but as she slept, Nicole dreamt of kissing a Brown Eyed Girl, of holding a Brown Eyed Girl, of _loving_ a Brown Eyed Girl.

❧

The last time Nicole had been in love, she was twenty-years-old (she was twenty-six now), and it was shit. She hadn’t meant to fall in love, and she hated it because her best friend didn’t share her feelings. She was as straight as the ten-foot pool Nicole wouldn’t touch love with again.

The concept of love was idiotic. It was harmful. To hand over your heart like that to somebody only to have them crush it? What kind of bullshit was that?

She’d been so disappointed in herself when she realized her feelings for Lily. But, she wasn’t an idiot. She still knew that falling in love wasn’t something that you could control, it just happened. One day a pretty brunette is making eye contact with you, the next day she’s smiling and so are you, and the day after that she’s laughing, and you’re gone.

Nicole remembered the day that she started falling in love with Waverly. Although, to her then, it was only the day she realized that she even had feelings for Waverly.

It was two weeks into their friendship, and Nicole was about to go on her lunch break to eat the half-assed ham sandwich she‘d made herself before work when she saw Waverly walking into the construction site. Nicole was near the top of the new library they had been building for the past two and a half months with sweat dripping down the side of her forehead and into her ear despite the slightly chilly weather, and her heart had leaped.

This time, she had noticed, but she brushed it off along with the dust resting on her shoulder. She was excited to see her friend, that was it. She raised her hand and waved, knowing that Waverly wouldn’t have heard her over the yelling of her coworkers and some of the machines still roaring. Waverly waved back, and Nicole continued to work for five minutes before walking down and toward Waverly.

“Hey,” Nicole said with a beaming smile, arriving near the fence the broke the construction site apart from the rest of the world. “What are you doing here?” She took off her hard hat, exposing a very short braid.

“Hi. Wow, you look really _hot_ ,” Waverly said, her eyes running down Nicole’s body.

Nicole’s eyes widened at the sudden words, and her already red cheeks due to how hot she was, turned even redder. “Oh, uhh, thanks—” _Why am I blushing?_

Waverly’s eyes widened. “Oh, no not like that. I meant you actually look hot, you know, cause of what you’re wearing and stuff.”

If possible, Nicole turned an even darker shade of red, and looked to the side. “Oh my God, this is so awkward. Of course that’s what you meant, it’s not like—”

“Nicole.”

“—you actually think I’m hot, you know? And—”

“Nicole!”

Nicole shut her mouth with a snap, then opened it again. “What?”

“I was kidding.”

Nicole gave her a confused look, her cheeks still red. “About what?”

Waverly rolled her eyes. “When I said you looked hot, I meant that you actually do look hot. I just liked watching you blush,” she said innocently.

Nicole didn’t say anything. She was at a loss for words, and since she’d already embarrassed the crap out of herself, she thought carefully about what she said next. “So... you think I’m hot?” Nicole smirked.

But, Waverly knew her well, and she shook her head. “Nope. Nuh-uh. You’re not getting away that easily. This is not taking away from the fact that you were just a stumbling and blushing mess. Good to know some part of you is human.”

Nicole narrowed her eyes. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Machines still roared behind them, and the wind began to pick up, drying Nicole’s sweat.

This time, Waverly’s eyes widened, and she waved her hands in front of her like she was saying hi to some of her first graders. “No, not like that. I just meant that, you know, you’re so closed off, and—”

“And what? There’s a problem with that?” Nicole crossed her arms.

Waverly turned red. “No, of course not. I was just saying that it’s good to know you’re not some kind of robot and—”

“Waves.”

“That you’re capable of getting embarrassed, and—”

“Waverly!“

“What?” Waverly asked as the machines behind them finally came to a stop. A moment later, her eyes widened in realization. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

Nicole laughed loudly. “What was it you said? Something about how you like watching me stumble and blush?”

Waverly groaned, her cheeks a light pink now. “I hate you, oh my god,” she said, slapping Nicole’s shoulder.

“Hey! You started it!” Nicole said.

“ _You started it_ ,” Waverly mocked. They sounded like a couple of bickering 6-year-olds. “And to think that I brought you lunch.”

Nicole laughter stopped, and her mouth dropped as her coworkers began to make their way to their cars. “You didn’t!”

“You think I would actually come on your lunch break, and not bring you any lunch? Knowing you, you probably made a half-assed sandwich,” Waverly said, leaning against the fence.

Nicole raised her eyebrows, impressed. “How is it that we’ve only known each other for 2 weeks, but you already know me so well?”

“Maybe because we hang out all of the freaking time?”

“Yeah, that’s probably it.”

Waverly looked at her with a look she couldn’t distinguish, and then she said, “Come on. I bought pizza.” Waverly turned around and started walking to where Nicole assumed her car was parked.

“Oh my God, I love you,” Nicole answered, taking a couple steps forward, but then, she stopped, the crunching beneath her feet no longer in the air. She looked at the back of Waverly’s head, and then into her eyes as she turned around to walk to her.

“You okay, there?” Waverly asked in sudden confusion as she lay a hand on her shoulder.

“I just said I love you,” Nicole said. Her eyes were almost blank.

“So? It’s not like you were confessing your love for me,” she laughed, hoping to ease the tension.

“No, you don’t get it.” Nicole shook her head, her eyes faraway now.

Waverly put a hand on her chin, and forced Nicole to meet her eyes. “Then, tell me.” Around them, the other construction workers gave them strange looks.

Nicole bit her lip, but nodded an almost imperceptible nod. “As you know, my parents are dead, I don’t have any family, or friends and I... well, I haven’t loved anyone in a long time,” she said in a soft voice Waverly wouldn’t have heard if she weren’t as close as she were.

Waverly’s eyes softened, and it tugged at Nicole’s heartstrings. “But you love me?”

Nicole bit her lip again, and nodded her head. “I do.”

Waverly laughed a little and wrapped her arms around Nicole’s neck. “I love you, too, Nicole. You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, I know I am,” Nicole mumbled. “You bought me pizza.”

Waverly scoffed as she pulled away and led them to her car. “I could easily drive away, you know? You little shit.” She opened the passenger door, and took out a small box. “Come on, we’ll eat in the trunk.”

Nicole laughed and nodded. She opened the trunk, and sat beside Waverly on the bumper with the pizza behind them, and as Waverly talked, she realized that she found herself looking at her mouth a lot. And when Waverly laughed, she smiled. She couldn’t help it. When Waverly’s hand accidentally brushed her own, her heart sped up.

And as Waverly told her a story about her childhood, she only half-listened because Nicole wasn’t an idiot. She took note of the reactions her body was having toward Waverly, and her heart stopped because she knew exactly what she was feeling.

She had a crush on her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! 
> 
> Talk to me on Twitter, too :) @writinginmind


	3. Inside, Outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Evil laughter*
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole was afraid. She didn’t do crushes. She didn’t do feelings and fast hearts and blushing. But here she was, doing _all_ of those things. All of those promises that she made to herself, all of those walls that she built, everything was broken. And all because of one girl? What was so goddamn special about Waverly Earp? (Everything, apparently.)

But in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t really matter that she had feelings for her. She wasn’t going to do anything. She was just going to let the feelings pass, and she would continue to hang out with Waverly, and keep things as they had been. If she stopped seeing Waverly or started acting weird, Waverly would notice, and she would confront her about it. And if she did that, Nicole would be forced to lie, and Nicole was _not_ a liar.

Her mother may have turned her into what she was—someone who couldn’t love or trust, but she was not a liar like she was. Hooking up with someone new everyday while her father was at work—and okay, maybe Nicole had lied to him because she knew what was going on, but it wasn’t _her_ lie; it was her mother’s. She wasn’t going to have any lies of her own, so she would continue her friendship with Waverly. She would act like nothing was going on inside of her, like her heart wasn’t about to explode when she was with Waverly, because her feelings would disappear eventually.

Besides, she had an outlet. Sex. She went to Shorty’s most nights. She’d talk to Waverly, then she’d say goodbye and go to the girl by the pool table, or the jukebox, or just across the bar. She’d take her home, they’d fuck, then the girl would leave. Nicole didn’t let them stay over anymore. They didn’t mind, most of them regretted it right after anyway.

And lately, so had she. She’d never once regretted having sex, but lately it felt like a betrayal, which was ludicrous because there was no one to betray! This time, when she had sex it felt like strings were attached. The problem was that they were different strings. These strings tied her and Waverly together, and it didn’t matter that she was miles away with another girl. The strings didn’t break, they only got longer.

Despite all of the things she was feeling, she also felt more numb then ever. And when that happened, she’d go back to Waverly, and Waverly would make her feel again, make her _whole_. And Nicole hated it. Because Waverly had ruined her life and made it the best life possible at the same time. She hated it because she technically wasn’t lying to Waverly about having feelings for her, but it felt like she was. It was all just so freaking confusing, and that’s why Nicole didn’t do feelings. Life was complicated with them.

A whole week and a half since Nicole had realized that she had feelings for Waverly, and she didn’t understand why they were still there. They remained like uninvited guests overstaying their welcome—though, they weren’t exactly welcomed in the first place.

But it didn’t end there, the torture. Waverly had to make things worse a few days later at the bar, once again in Shorty’s office.

So here Nicole was, standing and resting her back against the wall, and she was looking at Waverly with a mixture of worry and confusion. “What’s going on? Are you okay?” Nicole asked.

Waverly was pacing back and forth (three steps back, three steps forth) in the small office, and she was tapping her thumbnail with her index finger, a nervous habit that never failed to annoy Nicole. The tapping made _her_ anxious.

Suddenly, Waverly stopped in front of Nicole—much closer than Nicole expected—and she blushed, apologized, and took a step back.

“I have to tell you something,” Waverly said, looking at Nicole’s shoulder and still tapping away at her thumbnail.

“Hey,” Nicole said in a sweet voice. She grabbed Waverly’s hands and held them, mostly to calm her down, but also to stop the tapping. “Whatever you have to say, you can tell me. What’s got you so worried?”

“That’s the thing,” Waverly said with a nervous chuckle, and slipping her hands off of Nicole’s. Nicole furrowed her eyebrows when she did that, and Waverly let out a sigh. “It’s you.”

“Me?”

“ _You’ve_ got me so worried, or rather what I... feel for you,” Waverly whispered. She gulped.

Outside, Nicole scrunched her eyebrows further and wore a look of confusion. Inside, her heart had stopped. “What do you mean what you feel for me?” she asked slowly, like a parent getting angry at a child.

Waverly clenched her jaw and met her eyes. “I mean, I have feelings for you, Nicole.”

Inside, Nicole’s frozen heart suddenly melted and skipped a beat, something she wish wouldn’t have happened. Outside, Nicole stared at Waverly’s eyes.

Waverly was brave. Nicole knew that from the second she first talked to her because Waverly wore her feelings on her sleeve. She was brave enough to show everything she felt and said what needed to be said. And her eyes right now were clear and truthful with a certain determination in them. It made Nicole’s knees weak.

But hearing that confession, it made Nicole’s chest hurt more than the insults she’d heard since coming to Purgatory. They were just supposed to be friends. Waverly wasn’t supposed to have feelings for her, not when she herself had feelings for Waverly.

“Oh.” It was all Nicole could say as she avoided Waverly’s eyes. Her arms went up to her chest, and she crossed them tightly.

“Oh?” Waverly asked, an obvious confusion and slight hurt behind her words. “This is the part where you say, _I have feelings for you, too, Waves. Will you go out on a date with me?’_ ” She let out a chuckle that was filled with disbelief.

Nicole forced herself to meet her soft brown eyes, and became the one thing she didn’t want to become. A liar. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel the same way. I don’t do feelings, you know that.”

“What would you say if I asked you out on a date? Feelings aside, it’s just a first date. What would you say to that?” Waverly’s eyes were still determined, but Nicole could see a slight insecurity in them like a paper cut becoming visible as the blood dried.

“I don’t do dates, Waverly,” Nicole said. Her heart was hurting.

Waverly scoffed, her arms hanging loosely at her side, “It’s just a first date. If you don’t feel anything, then I’ll let it go, but I refuse to not give us a try.” She stopped there, but Nicole could read the rest of the sentence in her eyes— _we could be something special_. 

Nicole could only bite her lip. She felt guiltier. Not because she didn’t reciprocate her feelings, but because she had to say that she didn’t. “I’m sorry, Waverly,” Nicole said with guilty eyes, the back of her heel bouncing up and down.

Despite feeling like someone had just crushed her heart like a fragile glass cup, she just didn’t do relationships. They all ended in heartbreak—they were fake, someone lied or cheated, or there was a sudden loss of love. It was bullshit. Meaningless sex, that was easy. No strings attached, no worrying about the person, no scary feelings of _is this going to end?_ It was all clear—they fucked, and they moved on. She’d had her fair share of women who wanted more, but she couldn’t say yes to them. Relationships were sticky. Why couldn’t anyone understand that?

Waverly’s eyes were filled with sadness, and it was like those crushed pieces of her heart were swept away with the wind. But Waverly was different, wasn’t she? She was her best friend, the only person she loved in the world.

 _What if Waverly never broke my heart?_ Nicole shook her head, ridding of the thought. _No_. She wouldn’t let go of everything just because Waverly returned her feelings. The crush that turned into something real, and more terrifying. Something that wasn’t going away, but it would. She just had to try a little harder.

“So, the reason you haven’t been in a relationship isn’t because you haven’t found the right girl, it’s because you just don’t date?” Waverly asked in a small voice. Nicole nodded, but Waverly wasn’t looking at her. She was looking at the dirty tiles Nicole was standing on. “Can I ask why?” She met her eyes again.

Nicole ran a hand through her hair and sighed. “Love is pain. I’m not meant to be in a relationship.”

“But you love me,” Waverly said. “Is loving me painful?”

Nicole looked at her with a thoughtful expression. There was no point in lying. “No.”

“Then love is not pain.”

“ _Romantic_ love is pain,” Nicole said. She needed Waverly to understand.

“That’s a real fucked up mentality you got there,” Waverly said. Nicole wasn’t offended, Waverly was probably right. Waverly nodded to herself. “But, okay.” She wiped at the bottom of her eye. She was crying. Nicole had made her cry.

 _Fuck_ , Nicole thought. But she didn’t change her mind. She wouldn’t.

“Okay?” Nicole, skeptical. “No, _I’m different. I can make you fall in love with me!_ ”

“That’s real cocky of you, Haught,” Waverly joked, the broken look still in her eyes. “A part of me hates you right now, I’m not gonna lie.” Waverly gave her a small smile. “But I still care about you, obviously, and I want us to remain friends, so I have to respect your choice.”

Nicole nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered. Waverly bit her lip, and nodded, but it looked like she was doing it for herself.

“I’m going to need space though, just for a couple days to, I don’t know, think,” Waverly said.

Nicole felt like she was going to cry. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”

Waverly didn’t say anything else. She met her eyes, and left the room. Just like that.

Nicole hated feelings.

❧

Nicole threw herself down on the couch, letting out a sigh as she took the towel off of her head and ran a hand through her wet hair. She’d had a full days work, and she was exhausted, but even sitting, her body still felt weak. She’d wanted to go to the bar and see Waverly, but she knew she couldn’t, and maybe that was best for herself, too. Waverly wanted time away, and time away would do Nicole good, too. To get rid of her feelings once and for all. So, in order to distract herself, she put on Netflix. After two episodes of _Black Mirror,_ which thoroughly fucked her up, Nicole’s mind started wandering toward Waverly.

She was thinking about one of the reasons she adored her, for her ability to be so open about her feelings, and how Nicole could always read her. One thing was confusing her—how was it that she wasn’t able to realize that Waverly had feelings for her? Wouldn’t it have been obvious? Was Waverly as good at her as hiding some of her feelings? Nicole didn’t think that was plausible, it just didn’t seem right.

Nicole, looking now at the playing episode with faraway eyes thought, _What if I knew? What if deep down I knew that she had feelings for me, but I just ignored the hints subconsciously?_ That was something that sounded likely. Pouting her bottom lip a bit, Nicole thought back to the past few weeks. 

When Waverly was given the chance, she’d grab Nicole’s hand, smoothly and easily, as if it were hers to take. Then there were the sly glances, which weren’t necessarily sly, at her lips. Nicole bit her lip now. Sometimes Nicole would flirt, thinking it was just friendly, and Waverly would flush red.

Nicole sighed as she closed her eyes. She’d known. Deep inside, she’d known, but a part of her rejected those ideas. It was like denying the fact that your lover had just broken your heart—you knew it was true, but a part of you denied it, unwilling to move it through your brain.

There was a knock on the door, interrupting her thoughts. It was 9:40, and the only person she could expect to be knocking was working at Shorty’s. Scrunching her eyebrows down dramatically, she stood up and opened the door.

“Hi,” Waverly said on the other side, a shy and beautiful smile on her face, but with the same determined look she always had in her eyes. Nicole’s heart skipped a beat.

“Waverly,” Nicole said with slightly wide eyes. “What are you doing here?”

Waverly didn’t hesitate before she said her next sentence. “I want to kiss you.”

That threw Nicole off guard. “You what?”

“I really, _really_ want to kiss you.”

Nicole leaned against the door, mostly because her body was still tired, and tried to remain calm. Outside, Nicole stuck to her nonchalant attitude, and she looked down at Waverly. “Just yesterday you said you needed space.”

“And today I’m saying that I want to kiss you,” she quipped.

Inside, Nicole felt like her heart was in her throat. Every thought she had about feelings being crap, and relationships being stupid went out her head. She wanted to kiss Waverly, too, but she didn’t say anything. She just stood there and stared at Waverly. It was intense because she could see everything—the want, the lust, the hunger, the _care_. And seeing that care is what brought her back to reality, and all of her thoughts came back, taking over like a tsunami.

“No,” Nicole said.

Waverly tilted her head up a centimeter. “Why not?”

Despite everything, Nicole really wanted to smile, because how could she not in the presence of one of her favorite sides of Waverly? The blunt side that said what she wanted to say. It was hot, and amusing, and cute all at once. She didn’t smile though, because she wasn’t supposed to find her cute. She didn’t do dates, or girlfriends, or feelings.

So, she did what she did best, she pushed everything down, _way_ down. “Because I don’t want to kiss you,” Nicole finally said.

“Can I come in?” Waverly asked with her eyebrows raised, seemingly ignoring Nicole.

Nicole looked beside Waverly and gave a hesitant shrug. “Sure.”

Waverly walked in as Nicole closed the door. The second she turned around, Waverly was in her face, staring at her intently. “You’re very hard to read,” Waverly stated confidently, as if she were saying _2 + 2 = 4_. “Almost impossible. Unless you choose to show emotion on your face, you don’t show anything, and it’s infuriating because I never know what’s going on in your mind. But there is one thing that _always_ betrays you.”

Nicole maintained the intense eye contact. “What’s that?” Nicole asked. Outside, she kept her face straight. Inside, she was scared. Though she wasn’t entirely sure of what.

“Your lust for someone. It’s there in your eyes before you go up to some girl at the bar, and it’s in your eyes right now.”

Nicole gulped, but it wasn’t like she didn’t want to shove Waverly against the wall and kiss her hard and make her moan... but Waverly wasn’t just a random girl at the bar, she was _Waverly_. So, Nicole didn’t lie. “Fine,” she shrugged.” You’re right, I do want to kiss you, and more.” Nicole muttered the last part, but she made sure that Waverly heard.

“Then why don’t you?” Waverly asked, one hand on her hip.

“Because you’re my best friend, Waves!” Nicole said, her brows furrowed in disbelief. Her heart was beating hard in her chest, it felt like a rock banging against it. “You’re not just some random girl that I’m going to fuck then leave—I care about you!”

“Who said you’re going to leave? Ever heard of friends with benefits?” Waverly asked.

“Friends with benefits don’t have feelings for each other. You have feelings for me, Waverly. Real ones. Yesterday you wanted space! Do you really think kissing me will help your case much?”

“Cocky much?”

Nicole looked at her seriously. “I’m being serious.”

Waverly scoffed and ran her tongue across the bottom of her upper right molars. “I know. But I don’t care.”

“You should.”

Waverly shook her head, and Nicole knew then that Waverly was sure of her decision. She knew what had gone through Waverly’s mind— _if she won’t have me one way, she’ll have me in another._

But it would ruin Waverly. And honestly, it would ruin her, too. So, she stuck to her initial decision. “I’m sorry, Waverly. But I won’t. I promised you that I would never hurt you, and that’s exactly what this would be doing to you.”

Waverly’s eyes dropped along with Nicole’s heart. It continued to drop, reaching the bottom of her stomach and weighing her down when a sudden tear fell out of Waverly’s eye, a fast stream that ended in her mouth. It seemed that she’d finally heard the seriousness in Nicole’s voice.

“Waverly,” Nicole whispered, but she stayed put. The room had practically turned blue out of nowhere. She was the one causing her pain, and she wasn’t sure if she should hug her to comfort her.

“I’m fine,” Waverly said, wiping her wet cheek with the back of her hand. She gave Nicole a small sad smile that caused Nicole’s guilt to rise tenfold. “It just sucks when someone doesn’t return your feelings.”

It was that sentence that made her give in. She didn’t have time to think, it just came out like Waverly’s sudden tears. “But I do,” Nicole whispered. It was almost inaudible, but it was a scream in Nicole’s ears. A loud confession that made her freeze in fear. What the hell did she just do?

She looked at Waverly, whose eyes were wide. “What?” Waverly asked. “You...”

Nicole didn’t nod or say anything. Her heart had stopped, but she felt like she was falling down an empty elevator shaft. “I—I have to go.” She made way for the door, but Waverly grabbed her wrist. It hurt not because it was a tight grasp but because her body felt worse than it did earlier.

“What? No, Nicole, you can’t run!”

Nicole met her eyes, but Waverly was blurry. She realized that tears had formed in them. “You’re right. Get out,” she managed to say.

“Nicole,” Waverly said, shaking her head.

“Waverly, please. I need”—Nicole coughed—“I need to think. Please.”

Waverly looked at her, her eyes filled with confusion, but she nodded anyway. “Okay, okay, I’ll go.” With one last look at Nicole, she walked out.

“Goddamn it!” Nicole said as soon as the door was shut. She stood in the middle of the room, and looked at everything around her. The couch, the movie posters— _Inception_ and _A Bronx Tale_ —on the wall, and the tv that now read _Are you still watching “Black Mirror”?_ She was feeling so many things that she thought she was going to lose her mind. She felt hatred and a spark of joy, she was sad and confused and furious. She needed to feel something else, something that was familiar and simple. She coughed a couple times to get rid of the itch in her throat, then ran to the bathroom.

It was a strange thing she did, but it was something she’d always done as a child, simply to test her strength. Her dad used to yell at her for doing it, but she didn’t care. She’d lasted a whole twenty minutes once, and it was something to be celebrated in her mind.

Nicole went to the only window in the bathroom beside the sink, and pulled it wide open. She felt the freezing wind right away, and it filled the bathroom in a second after closing the door. She put her face near the window and let the cold cut her cheeks. After a moment, she stood in front of the sink, and laid her palm on the cool porcelain. It felt like holding an ice cube, and Nicole was starting to feel like she was locked in a freezer.

For a moment, all she could feel was cold, and her full attention was on her violent shivering. All thoughts about Waverly were thrown out of her mind, and her feelings seemed to have frozen. The wind blew her hair to the right, poking her eyes as it flew past her face, and she was brought back to reality. Her hands were beginning to numb, and she closed the window.

Nicole stared at herself in the mirror, and as she looked at her reflection, all she could think was _pathetic_. She hated what she was feeling because she was so goddamn afraid. After all those years of protecting herself, Waverly had began to break down those walls with only stares and smiles.

The reason Nicole was most angry with herself was because, as rational thoughts made their way into her head, she didn’t regret what she said. She actually felt relieved. And thinking back, it had been a while since she started caring less about Waverly breaking through those walls. She almost wanted her in her life. She almost wanted to let her in. Having all of these feelings for Waverly didn’t feel as terrible as they did two weeks ago.

When she was with Waverly, there was no space to think. She just did things, and she felt things without permission. When she was alone, it was a different story. That was when she finally allowed herself to think about everything that had happened, everything that was happening within her, and that was when the feelings of regret came up—but this time they weren’t there. Fear was. Lots of it, but no regret.

She was by no means ready to admit her feelings to Waverly, but it had come out, and it was done. And it had hurt her, and it had hurt Waverly because Nicole kicked her out instead of talking to her like a mature adult. And she was so fucking mad at herself for that. But if she hadn’t told her to leave, what would she have said? She wasn’t going to get into a relationship with her. No. Never. Admitting your feelings to someone was one thing, but being together? That was a whole other thing. A whole other step Nicole wasn’t willing to take.

Think about it—just feelings alone had broken both of their hearts! She didn’t even want to imagine the pain that she would feel if they started dating and Waverly broke up with her. No. It was too risky, and not worth it. She still thought that relationships were bullshit, and that was one thing that she wasn’t sure would ever change. Her dad was hurt. She had been hurt. Why would she put herself through the pain?

But the question still bears—what would she do about her feelings? They were there. There wasn’t anymore denying it or running from them. They existed, and she didn’t know when they were going away.

She thought about her mom, and the time her dad found out that her mother had been cheating on him. A lot. It had been the worst thing that had ever happened in the eleven years of Nicole’s life, and it was the day that she promised herself that she would never fall in love, not after seeing the pain in her father’s eyes.

So with that thought, she made up her mind.

Her feelings would eventually go away. She was sure of it. They did the last time that she had developed feelings for someone, for her college best friend.

She drew a bath and thought with sorrow in her heart, _I’ll call her tomorrow,_ as tears streamed down her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hurt me? Let me know what’s going through your mind...


	4. Give up, Give In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIII
> 
> So so sorry for the almost 3 month wait. I literally rewrote this chapter 5 times, and I couldn’t figure out what to do, but I did it!! 
> 
> I hope this was worth the wait. As always, happy reading :-)

Nicole had always been independent—she did things for herself _by_ herself. When she was six, she’d pour her own milk and cereal while other kids struggled to keep the gallon steady. The day she turned 16, she got her driving learner’s permit first thing in the morning so that she wouldn’t have to depend on others to drive her around the city. The day after high school graduation, she moved out from her mom’s and into her own apartment, which she was able to afford from saving up months’ worth of paychecks.

She liked to figure things out for herself and take care of herself because she understood that one couldn’t depend on others forever, sometimes not even for a couple weeks. She didn’t like it either, having to lean on someone for help. Being vulnerable, asking for help, all of it was pointless.

That had been her point of view for a long time. If you could do something for yourself, why would you ask someone else to do it?

She didn’t care if others were vulnerable around her, it’s not like she hated emotions. She knew how to deal with others crying and all that, she just didn’t like it for herself.

Still, even though she didn’t like the idea of being vulnerable and exposed, the truth was that she envied the people who thought the complete opposite. Life seemed easier that way, being able to open up every now and then. Nicole just didn’t know how to let herself be taken care of anymore. It made her uncomfortable, so she never did it.

Not until now, at least. All of those thoughts about vulnerability being pointless were still lingering in her head the way a scent could linger in the air after someone had just left, but they didn’t matter right now. Not when Waverly was beside her eating soup as they shared a blanket, a very _thick_ blanket that been forced upon her when Waverly noticed that she was shivering.

Nicole didn’t know what had taken her this long to let someone take care of her for once. Admittedly, it was... nice.

**This morning**

Nicole woke up to the bright sun shining down on her face, but it was quickly covered by the ubiquitous grey clouds that cast shadows on the sidewalk covered in light snow. The first thing Nicole noticed was that every part of her body was aching. Despite her being completely relaxed in bed, sprawled like a starfish on the shore, her arms and legs felt weak.

When she swallowed, she felt like her saliva was a burning liquid. She turned to lay on her stomach, but then turned back on her back right away when her nose ran like a faucet. She let out a groan—she _hated_ being sick—and stared at the ceiling.

She made out shapes in the drywall texture, another thing she used to do as a child. She’d lose herself in her imagination to drown out the fights between her mom and dad, or the grunts of the strange men and the moans of her mom in her parents’ bedroom. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t.

Now she did it merely out of habit. She saw a dinosaur looking as though he were howling at the moon like a wolf, a very wavy ghost, and... a broken heart. She scoffed. What kind of bullshit was this? A shit fanfic?

But there it was. It was slightly misshapen, but it was unmistakably an ugly broken heart. Just like hers. She blinked, and it was gone, her ability to make out the shape gone in a split second. Just like her friendship with Waverly. _Have I always been this dramatic?_ she thought.

She had to call Waverly. She turned to get her phone from the nightstand, but only found her latest read— _My Grandmother Asked Me To Tell You I’m Sorry_ —and Waverly’s hydro flask. She was quite keen on saving the world, that one.

Nicole rolled her eyes, remembering that she’d left her phone in the living room. She didn’t want to get up. She wanted to sleep. So that’s what she did.

❧

Nicole opened her eyes, and her first groggy thought was _Fuck me._ She sniffed and reached for the tissues in the drawer before sticking it in her right nostril. The truth was that she was grateful she had an excuse to lay in bed all day and have something to focus on, something that didn’t have brown eyes and a smile that made her own smile grow.

Being sick was the perfect distraction. That was until the ringing of her phone reached her ears. Nicole didn’t want to get up, but she had work today, and if it was her boss, Shawn, and she didn’t answer, she wouldn’t have a boss to answer to from today onward. Really, this thought was minimal—an ant compared to the elephant in her mind.

What if it was Waverly who was calling her? Would she even answer? Nicole had broken her heart. That was on her. Waverly made herself vulnerable, and Nicole just kicked her down.

Nicole took a deep breath, and forced herself to sit, hoisting herself up with her weak arms. Walking to the living room, she wiped her other nostril with the sleeve of her shirt. She’d forgotten to put on socks and the floor was ice beneath her feet.

As she neared her phone she thought, Waverly or Shawn? She hoped it was the latter. She wasn’t in the right state of mind to talk to Waverly anytime soon.

She picked up her phone from the couch and despite her wanting it to be her boss, her heart dropped when she didn’t see Waverly’s name.

“Hello?” she said when she brought the phone to her ear. She went on to explain her sudden absence at work, and was excused for the sole reason that she was a damn good employee. Hanging up the phone, she stared at it for 5 minutes.

What’d she expect? She told Waverly to leave, she was the one who asked for space, so why was she obsessing about receiving a call?

She sighed as she walked back to her room. She didn’t have the guts. That’s the truth, she thought as she threw herself face forward onto her bed, her tissue falling somewhere along the way. She could make up excuses about how she wouldn’t call Waverly because she was sick and “not in the right state of mind,” whatever the hell that meant, but the truth was that she was terrified.

She’d told Waverly she had feelings for her! Out of _nowhere_. After years and years of protecting herself, it wasn’t Waverly who destroyed her. In the end, it was herself. She caused this mess. She was the one who had to be affected by Waverly and open up her mouth to confess something so stupid. What was it she said? _But I do?_ What kind of bullshit was that?

Yet... a part of her wanted Waverly so bad. Not to sleep with, but just to hold. And Nicole could fight it all she wanted, but that was the plain truth, and running from it hadn’t done her any good, had it?

What would happen if she continued to run? How much pain would she end up being in? This hurt bad now, what if it only got worse? Nicole found that she didn’t want to know the answer to that. It was time to face the music.

There was one truth that Nicole had been unwilling to admit, but it was time to now.

Looking up at the drywall, Nicole stopped looking for the individual shapes of the animals doing things they would never do and the broken hearts and looked at it as a whole. She saw the endless possibilities, the limitless shapes that could turn a small broken heart into a whole heart on the outline of a human if you just looked hard enough.

Without giving it a second thought, Nicole stood up, her mind too far away to pay attention to her aching body, and she got dressed. She couldn’t let Waverly come knocking on her door again.

❧

Nicole stood in front of Waverly’s door, heart thumping in her chest, and she stared at the crack in it. She told Waverly the first time she’d visited that it had reminded of the door from Monsters Inc, and she’d received an eye roll, but Nicole didn’t miss the endearing smile that had shown up on Waverly’s face.

The _second_ she got there, she knocked. If she didn’t, she would’ve turned back around, Waverly never aware that she was there in the first place.

“Holy shit,” Waverly said when she opened the door.

Nicole raised her eyebrows. That’s what she chose to say? Despite everything, Nicole felt amusement rising up in her chest like someone blowing into a balloon.

“You look like crap,” Waverly said, her brows slightly creased in worry. “When did you get sick? You weren’t sick yesterday.”

Nicole thought about the bathroom—the cool porcelain, the sharp wind, and the tears. The amusement left her then. “I started getting sick yesterday,” Nicole simply said, sniffling. Which was true, she’d started coughing early in the day… she’d just sped up the process.

Nicole didn’t understand Waverly, and sometimes, she didn’t understand herself when she was with Waverly. Just hours ago, they were yelling confessions and crying, and now here they were talking like it was another regular day.

Waverly gave her a slow nod. “Alright, come in then,” Waverly said with a sigh, as if Nicole had begged her to stay.

Nicole gave her a confused look, tilting her head to the side, then tilting it back because it felt like her entire brain had moved, but then she shrugged to herself and walked in because she understood. They didn’t have to talk about... _whatever_ they needed to talk about right now, because Nicole had taken a step neither of them were expecting. She’d kicked Waverly out of her apartment yesterday, but now here she was, in Waverly’s home. That meant something.

Nicole stood awkwardly in the living room as Waverly sat. She really wished she was back in bed now—she didn’t know if she wished that because her body was in pain or because she was regretting her decision of whatever it was she was planning on doing. What _was_ she planning on doing?

Nicole looked at Waverly, and Waverly did what she did best—rolled her eyes. “Sit down, Bambi.”

Nicole raised an eyebrow. “Bambi?”

“Yeah, your legs are shaking like his when he was learning to walk.”

This time Nicole rolled her eyes as she sat beside Waverly, all the way on the other end of the couch. A silence more awkward than Nicole just standing there followed for a couple beats before Waverly stood up. “I’m going to get some blankets and stuff.”

“What? No you don’t have to, I just came over here to—”

“I know why you came over. Well, I have an idea, but that can wait, okay? You’re sick, your eyes are all red and teary, and that cough of yours sounds gross, so just let me take care of you.”

“No,” Nicole weakly protested. Usually her mind would’ve perked at the phrase _let me take care of you,_ but hearing those words from Waverly didn’t make her feel weak, they just made her feel like someone truly cared that she be okay.

“Yeah, that’ll stop me,” Waverly scoffed as she walked into the hallway. She came back a few minutes later with a thick blanket, a pillow, and a box of tissues.

“Waves, I could just go home. I don’t want you getting sick.”

Waverly waved her hand at her as she set down the box of tissues on the coffee table. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Nicole said right away, slightly defensive by default. She cursed under her breath when Waverly froze. Why had she said that? “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

Waverly looked up at her, studying her eyes, and then she continued, this time slowly. “I have a strong immune system.”

“Says who?” Nicole asked, crossing her arms in front of her, grateful to let go of what happened. Still, it was in the back of her mind, lingering like, well like an unwanted cold.

Waverly shrugged. “Me.” She moved toward Nicole and threw the blanket over her shoulders. Nicole hadn’t realized that her entire body was shivering until she did that. Waverly didn’t move her eyes away, and everything was so still and quiet. Even her heart had stopped beating, but then she had the sudden need to cough.

Waverly backed away, and put a pillow behind her back before sitting beside her again.

Nicole spoke before thinking—as usual. “I’ve been an asshole to you. Why are you helping me?”

“People fight,” Waverly said. “And you look like shit, I’m not just going to leave or kick you out.” The last phrase made Nicole’s cheeks turn slightly red, and she looked down so that Waverly wouldn’t notice. What Nicole didn’t understand is that Waverly noticed _everything_ about her.

“We didn’t have a fight. We had, well, I don’t know what we had,” Nicole said. Her head was hurting, so she brought her hand up to her forehead and rubbed the sides in circles.

“Whatever happened yesterday, we can talk about it later,” Waverly sighed. “Right now you have to rest.”

“My body feels weak,” Nicole mumbled, glad to steer away from that specific topic once again. “Don’t worry about me...”

“I can’t help it,” Waverly said, turning back to meet her eyes. Nicole didn’t fail to notice the complete opposite in their responses to _don’t worry about me_.

Nicole clenched her jaw, not at Waverly, but at herself. She felt strange again, being here in Waverly’s home, and Waverly taking care of her. No matter how different it made Nicole feel when Waverly did it, it didn’t feel right. _She_ didn’t feel right, having someone looking over her like a weak child. Nicole shook her head and threw the blanket off of her shoulders.

“What are you doing?” Waverly asked.

“Thanks for wanting to take care of me, Waverly, but I’m not weak, you know? I can take care of myself. I just came over here to talk.” Nicole said the words, and though they sounded like they were rough, there was no strength behind them. She knew that Waverly could tell that she didn’t really mean them even though she _wanted_ to mean them.

“Vulnerability is not weakness,” Waverly said without missing a beat, ignoring everything that Nicole said. She stayed quiet for a moment, allowing Nicole to let the words sink in, and then she talked again. “Remember, some days back when you got to Shorty’s, and instead of finding me inside, you found me by the entrance?”

Nicole nodded, her voice soft as she spoke. “You were crying.” The memory of Waverly standing outside with her face in her hands broke Nicole’s heart. “Someone had called you a slut because we hung out all the time.”

Waverly nodded. “I wasn’t crying because they called me a slut. I was crying because they were just so _mean_. The tone in their voice... I just couldn’t believe it.”

Nicole bit her lip. “Yeah, you told me that.”

“Good to know you remember,” Waverly said, causing Nicole to look at her with confusion. “What did you say to me? After I looked away from you, embarrassed because you saw me crying?”

Nicole finally saw her point, and she whispered her response. “I said that you don’t ever have to be ashamed of being vulnerable in front of me.”

“Because?”

Nicole paused for a moment, but then said what Waverly wanted to hear. Nicole lifted the blanket again and held it tight against her shoulders. “Because your vulnerability is your strength.”

Waverly didn’t say anything. “Vulnerability is not weakness” and “Your vulnerability is your strength” mean the same thing, but whereas Waverly had to hear Nicole’s version, Nicole had to hear Waverly’s. Nicole hated being weak, hated being vulnerable because that was what allowed her to open up, and to open up means to get hurt. But sometimes vulnerability was just allowing someone to see you, and to help you, and that was what she needed.

Without meeting Waverly’s eyes, she said, “Fine.”

“ _Fine_ ,” Waverly mocked.

Nicole scoffed playfully, but with seriousness, she looked at Waverly. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Waverly replied in a sweet tone that made Nicole’s chest feel light. It felt like someone had removed everything in her chest and replaced it with the world’s freshest air. Even her clogged up nose seemed to unclog. “So, have you eaten?”

“No, but I’m not hungry,” Nicole half-said, half-coughed out.

“Great, I’ll make you some soup.” Waverly slapped her hands against her thighs, getting ready to stand.

“Wha—I just said I’m not hungry.” Nicole sounded like a protesting teenager.

“And I just said I’ll make you some soup,” Waverly replied. “Are we done playing this game now or...”

“You’re going to make me eat, aren’t you?” Nicole asked. Waverly put her hand on her knee and squeezed before standing up.

“You know it.”

Nicole watched her as she settled into the kitchen, taking the ingredients out, from the kitchen pass-through that gave her the view.

She felt weird. She had feelings for Waverly, and Waverly had feelings for her, and they both knew. But, they just sat here, pretending that everything was okay. That Nicole hadn’t just broken her own heart and Waverly’s. The guilt was back, and Nicole wished that she could leave, but a bigger part of her wanted to stay. She only wished that she could look into Waverly’s brain and see what was going on in there. How did she feel? Was she hurt? Annoyed? Angry?

Nicole felt all of those things. Rubbing at her forehead, she closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch.

“So, why do you think you got sick? Was it some coworker at work?” Waverly asked as she turned on the stove, the clicking noises sounding like someone pressing a pen over and over again.

Nicole once again was lost in the thoughts of the memory of locking herself in the bathroom, and the admission to Waverly. Cold and stress were like pills and alcohol—not a good mix. Nicole cleared her throat. “Yeah, Paul was coughing, so it was probably him,” Nicole said.

Waverly hummed, “Fuckin’ Paul.”

“Yeah,” Nicole smiled. “Fuckin’ Paul.” They remained quiet, the only sounds heard were Waverly’s footsteps, the pouring of the soup, and Nicole’s occasional coughing and nose-blowing.

As Waverly walked to Nicole with a bowl of soup in her hands, Nicole looked at her with distrust when Waverly attempted to stifle a laugh.

“What?” Nicole asked, insecurely running her hand through her hair.

“Nothing,” Waverly shook her head, smiling to herself and sitting beside Nicole. “It’s just that you look like Rudolph.”

“The red-nosed reindeer?” Nicole scrunched her brows.

Waverly rolled her eyes. “No, the abominable snowman.”

Nicole flipped her the bird, but thanked her for the soup. It felt warm against her palms. She hummed when the warmth slid down her throat. She saw Waverly smile from her peripheral, but she didn’t get a chance to ask why because she stood up and went back to the kitchen. When she came back, she had a bowl of her own.

“Can we share that?” Waverly asked, a shy smile on her face as she pointed at the blanket.

“Sure,” Nicole said with a smile. She gave Waverly her bowl, and removed the blanket from her shoulders before laying it across both of their laps.

They didn’t say anything after that. They just ate in silence, and for that moment, everything was okay between them. They were just a couple of friends enjoying each other’s company. There was no drama, feelings, or a history of fights. It felt like the beginning of summer, warm, filled with anticipation, and familiar.

Minutes later, Nicole finished her soup, and as she stared at the blank bowl, the warmth the soup had brought her began to fade away slowly like the comfort of her and Waverly’s short moment. Though she was wrapped in a blanket, she began to shiver again with the warmth of the soup now gone. Her nose stung a bit, and her throat was still hurting, but her body had, thankfully, began to feel a little stronger.

“Come here,” Waverly suddenly said, putting down her bowl of soup. Nicole looked at her, perplexed as Waverly opened her arms.

“Um...”

“Oh come on, we’ve cuddled before.”

“Well, yeah, but that was before—”

“How about you don’t overthink it?” Waverly asked, a small smile playing on her face. “You’re shivering, body heat will warm you up.”

“I don’t want to get you sick,” Nicole argued. She wasn’t sure she wanted to cuddle with Waverly. Only, she totally did.

“I already told you that I have a strong immune system.”

“Yes, a statement made by you, not an actual doctor.” Nicole looked at Waverly with raised eyebrows.

Waverly shrugged. “It’s what I believe.”

“Then it must be true,” Nicole said, rolling her eyes.

“You’re getting the hang of it. Now come on,” Waverly said, her arms opening up wider.

Nicole laughed. “Fine, okay.” She moved into Waverly’s arms and fixed the blanket so that it was draped completely over their shoulders. She let out a sigh of comfort as she backed up into Waverly’s chest. Waverly wrapped her warm hands around her waist, and squeezed for a second.

Nicole’s heart was suddenly going too fast, and she was afraid that Waverly would feel it. She sat there for a full minute, her head tucked under Waverly’s chin, taking in the warmth she was emanating, and she realized that she felt like that was exactly where she belonged, and that made her mind feel like there was a snowball fight going on, but instead of snow, it was words. One side screamed, “Run!” “Get away!” “You’ll end up hurt!” and the other side screamed, “Take a chance!” “Stay!” “Do it!”

With her head on Waverly’s chest, the snowball fight grew until one side became too powerful and the other began to surrender, taking steps into the back of her mind until it was forced to give up. Waverly was worth more than her beliefs.

She couldn’t stand to sit there with Waverly, cuddled up and pretending that everything was okay because everything was _not_ okay, and she had to say what she’d come to say in the first place. But before Nicole could move her chest off of Waverly, Waverly spoke first, in the voice of a child apologizing after doing something wrong.

“Did you mean it?” Waverly whispered.

Nicole pulled apart and looked at Waverly with shocked wide eyes. “Why wouldn’t I have meant it?” If Waverly’s eyes weren’t filled with doubt as they were now, she would’ve taken the chance to take it all back. It was the perfect window. _No, I didn’t mean it, and really, I’m not sure why I said it, but I’m sorry._ Nicole forced the thought back, ignoring the fear trying to stop her.

Instead of giving the fear power, she focused on Waverly’s expression. Seeing the doubt clearly written on her face caused Nicole’s heart to crack like the first bite of a lollipop you’re not supposed to bite.

“I don’t know,” Waverly shrugged. “Maybe you felt guilty?”

Nicole looked into those brown eyes, her own probably bluntly displaying her fear like a display window. “I have feelings for you,” Nicole blurted out. She was breathing hard, as if she’d just finished running a marathon, and quite frankly, that’s exactly how she felt.

Waverly let out a sigh as if not knowing the truth were a weight holding her down. I guess what they say is true, the truth does set you free.

“Since when?”

Nicole looked down, but it only caused her runny nose to run even more, and she put the top of her hand to her nose before anything came out. She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose, looking away from Waverly. She was grateful for the small distraction, but when she threw the tissue away, she was back to facing Waverly and the truth.

“I realized a few weeks ago, when you brought me food to work. Do you remember that?”

Waverly nodded, and she seemed to lose herself in the memory because she smiled. Nicole knew that she was thinking about when she told her that she loved her. “I knew a week into our friendship that I had feelings for you,” Waverly admitted.

“You’ve known for that long?” Nicole asked, surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why else?” Waverly scoffed. “I was scared.”

“Then why did you tell me a couple days ago?”

Waverly bit her lip. “I don’t know, I was still scared, and I wasn’t planning on telling you, but then you walked in and you looked so beautiful...” Waverly sighed, looked down, and started playing with the blanket, “and you were making me laugh like always, and I suddenly realized that I had to take the risk and tell you because what if you liked me, too? What if you were just scared, too?”

“But I said I didn’t share your feelings. Didn’t that break your heart? Didn’t that make you regret it?” Nicole asked, confused as to why she was so desperate for an answer.

“You are worth it,” Waverly said, unaware of the effect that she was having on Nicole. “I would’ve regretted it more if I hadn’t said anything.” She paused, and the silence that followed was heavy, not awkward, but heavy with the hundreds of questions flying around in the air.

Waverly caught one and asked, “Why did you tell me you had feelings for me last night? Why did you come back?”

Nicole clenched her jaw. “I didn’t _want_ to tell you. It just came out, you know? And I’ve been thinking about it nonstop, and I just—I wanted to tell you now.”

“But _why_?” Waverly quipped. Nicole understood her defensiveness. Not even a whole 24 hours ago, Nicole had kicked her out, and before that, Nicole had told her that she didn’t want anything to do with her relationship-wise.

Nicole shook her head at herself, and without questioning herself, she allowed herself to say what she was feeling.

“Look Waverly, you already know I love you and you’re my best friend.” Nicole gave Waverly a small sad smile. “But I can’t assure you of anything if we’re to start, you know, going on dates or whatever.” Nicole felt her cheeks turn red, although she wasn’t entirely sure why she felt so shy.

Nicole let out a breath, frustrated with herself for not being able to say what she was trying to say. “What I’m trying to say is that, I’m _scared_.” She whispered that last word.

“Scared of what?” Waverly asked. Thankfully, she wasn’t touching Nicole, instead she was giving her space to breathe. Though, the idea of Waverly knowing her so well caused her to not be able to breathe anyway.

“Of you breaking my heart,” Nicole whispered.

“But I would never intentionally hurt you.”

“I know,” Nicole said. “But it’s not just that, and I hadn’t realized it until now, but one thing scares me more than you breaking my heart.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m afraid of breaking _your_ heart, of becoming my mom,” Nicole admitted. She felt like the tidal wave that had been holding her under the water had crashed, and it wasn’t easy to get out, but eventually the water was calm and she was able to take her head out again and breathe.

“For years I thought that I was afraid of love because I would end up like my dad, broken eyes one second and then blank hard eyes the next as what my mom did to him settled in. I didn’t want to end up broken like him, but the truth is that I’m worse off.

Really, it’s my mom that I’m afraid of becoming. I’m afraid of the power that she had over someone’s heart. I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s pain like that. I wanted to be different, I wanted to be kind, so I became hard. I closed myself off and refrained from connecting so that I wouldn’t hurt people. It doesn’t make sense, I know that, but it did to me, and it had for years, and then...”

“And then what?” Waverly asked in a soft voice.

“And then you came along, and Waverly, you are _extraordinary_ ,” Nicole breathed out. “Part of me is afraid, but a bigger part, the part that has me pushing out words before I can even think of them, wants to take a chance on you. On _me_.”

The reason this all began, this entire mess, was because Nicole refused to get into a relationship because what if Waverly broke her heart? And yet, even though she’d avoided all that, her heart had ended up broken. Hers _and_ Waverly’s. What she was doing wasn’t keeping her safe the way she’d planned, it was causing her more pain, and it was time she grew up and stopped being naive.

“I believe you, Nicole,” Waverly said, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I do, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What if we went out on a few dates and then you decided that you didn’t want anything more? You would break my heart.”

“So would anyone else, though,” Nicole said. She flinched right away. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” Waverly said with confusion, though with the ghost of a teasing smile.

“What I’m saying is, I can’t promise you anything, but neither can anyone else. Everyone you date is a risk, a gamble with your heart. You never know how it will go after a few dates. But I’m willing to try, Waves, to be open. I’m afraid of so much, but what makes today different from yesterday is that today I don’t _want_ to be afraid.”

“You’re playing with my heart,” Waverly said, but then she stopped to think. “But you’re right, aren’t you? We all do that, gamble with each other’s hearts like they’re poker chips. This is no different from anything else... and I meant what I said.”

“What?”

“You’re worth it.” This time Waverly took Nicole’s hand, and Nicole was grateful for that. She really was terrified, and Waverly’s hold kept her present.

“So what are you saying?” Nicole asked.

“If you’re willing to give us a try, then so am I,” Waverly whispered.

Nicole’s heart did a backflip, and this time she didn’t try to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too bad I already have “/6” chapters because I totally would’ve pranked you and said this was the end.... 
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you thought about this chapter! Any theories on how things are going to go based on how this fic began? 
> 
> Talk to me, @writinginmind on Twitter ❤️


	5. Do You Trust Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notice the /? in the beginning.... This might go up to 7 or 8 chapters because it’s longer than I originally planned. Well originally this was supposed to be a one-shot, but you know, shit happens.
> 
> Anyway... I really hope you like this chapter because I usually suck at writing things like this.
> 
> Thanks to my amazing betas TheGayestEarp for giving the most awesome comments and to 8Twelve for editing late at night so that we could have this up for you guys today!
> 
> Happy reading :)

Nicole sat with a coffee cupped between her hands, letting the warmth of the cup slightly burn them. The heater had broken, and Waverly’s home was too cold to _not_ let it sting the palm of her hands.

She sat at the bay window where she could imagine Waverly looking at the growing flowers in the spring, reading under the sunlight in the summer, watching the leaves fall in autumn, and drinking coffee in a mug that burned her hands in the winter, so Nicole did just that.

Waverly was on the couch doing a sudoku puzzle, wrapped in three blankets, plus a bonus blanket. Nicole discreetly turned her way, and her heart brightened up her chest knowing that she’d die happy after seeing how adorable Waverly looked.

She was grateful for the silence between them right now because it gave her an excuse to think back to how amazing their “relationship” was going so far. She’d been in such a surprising bliss that she hadn’t given her fears a second thought, and she wasn’t planning on giving in to them any time soon. After their talk exactly eleven days ago about taking a chance, they had seen each other practically every day, and hadn’t really thought about where they were headed.

All that had changed was that they held hands, their cuddling felt more intimate, and they kissed whenever they felt like it. A smile snuck its way onto Nicole’s face as she thought about their first date and kiss.

❧

It had been three days since Nicole and Waverly’s talk—Nicole had healed much faster than she normally would because of Waverly’s constant care and scolding—and now Nicole sat on her couch, looking out the window. The sun was just a speck in the pink sky, and she couldn’t take her eyes off of it. She tried to watch the sunset as often as possible because she thought it was something people took for granted.

For a few minutes, she could just sit and watch and realize how fortunate she was to be alive, and to experience such a miraculous sight. It never failed to bring her a sense of peace, and right now she could use all of the peace she could get because tonight she had a date. With Waverly.

It was her first date ever. Well, technically she _had_ taken out girls to dinner and what not, but that was just to be kind. Both women were only looking to get laid, but there weren’t any rules against treating each other to a nice meal beforehand, right?

This, however, this was real, and if Nicole was being honest, getting laid was the last thing on her mind. She still couldn’t believe that just a few days ago she’d told Waverly she had feelings for her. How had she managed to do that? After years and years of being afraid, how had she managed to be brave?

She had no answer to either of those questions, but she did know one thing: she didn’t regret a thing. And maybe that was a sign. Her gut knew that she’d made the right choice in telling Waverly, even if she’d been afraid.

Two light knocks on her door brought her back to reality, and her peace was replaced with nerves that ran through her entire body like the tingling you felt on your leg when your weight had been on it for too long. She smiled, though, when she realized that these were normal nerves that everyone got before going on a first date. These weren’t the nerves that made her want to run away, and Nicole took that as another good sign.

Nicole opened the door to find Waverly in very tight jeans, a dark grey overcoat with a scarf around her neck, and a beanie perched on her head. Nicole grinned, “You look—”

“Adorable? Cute? Pretty?” Waverly said, her smile growing with every new word.

Nicole laughed, and said, “All of the above.”

Waverly settled on a shy smile, “Thanks. You look amazing, too.” Nicole saw her taking in her long sleeves, dark overalls and down vest slowly, and it made her cheeks turn slightly red.

“Well, I never said you looked amazing, but add that to the list,” Nicole smirked, willing the blush on her face to go away. Waverly replied with her classic response, a roll of her eyes. “Really though, thank you.”

“Of course. Are you ready to go?”

Nicole nodded, and she closed the door behind her as she got out. “Okay confession time,” Nicole said as Waverly lead her to the car. “I’m not the greatest ice skater out there. In fact, some might say I straight up suck.”

“‘Some being?”

“Me,” Nicole laughed.

“Don’t worry,” Waverly replied, looking over at Nicole with amusement glimmering in her eyes. “I happen to be a great ice skater, so I’ll hold your hand the entire time.”

“I think I can deal with that,” Nicole smiled. They got into the car, and now that she wasn’t distracted with how pretty Waverly looked, the nerves settled once again in the pit of her stomach. _Take a deep breath,_ Nicole thought. _Don’t freak out. It’s just a first date, nothing to be worried about._

Nicole didn’t know how Waverly had noticed the shift in her, but suddenly Waverly’s hand was on her own after turning on the heater.

“It’s just a first date,” Waverly said, her voice warmer than the heater, “nothing to be worried about.”

Nicole kept her eyes from becoming wide. _She really does know me,_ Nicole thought as she gave Waverly a smile, but the smile dropped when she noticed a twinge of hurt in Waverly’s eyes. She was hiding it so well Nicole almost wouldn’t have noticed, but she did, and she didn’t need to ask Waverly why she was hurt.

Waverly assumed she was nervous because she was starting to regret things, because she was already in, and there was no way to get out.

Waverly’s hand was still resting on top of Nicole’s hand, so Nicole flipped her hand around to intertwine their fingers. She didn’t voice Waverly’s fears out loud because she knew Waverly would only apologize. Instead she said something to soothe the fears, something true. “Waves, the nerves that I’m feeling, they’re first date nerves. They’re good nerves, and I’m so happy that I’m with you tonight. I’m honored that you’re the first girl I’m going on a real date with.”

Just like that the hurt in her eyes melted away, and Nicole felt relieved. She knew that Waverly was taking a risk with her, and it hurt Nicole that Waverly was afraid of getting hurt, but there wasn’t anything she could do about that because Waverly had every right to be nervous, too.

Nicole had overcome a fear, yes, but there were still so many more, and she could only take it one step at a time. She didn’t have the guts to dive right in yet.

Waverly squeezed her hand, and Nicole brought it up to her lips to give the top of her hand a chaste kiss. It was then that it started to snow, flakes covering the hood of the car instantly. Waverly put the car in drive, and backed out before driving to the ice skating rink.

In the car, they spoke about random things that came to mind, but mostly they remained silent as they listened to Waverly’s _Badass Jazz_ playlist. Diana Kroll, Nat King Cole, and Sarah Vaughan filled Nicole’s ears as she looked out into the night, the light snow and the softness of Waverly’s hand making her feel at ease the way the sunset had. Waverly’s sweet voice made her shiver as she sang along softly to _Dream a Little Dream of Me_ by Ella Fitzgerald as the outdoor rink came into view.

It was packed with kids skating around the edge so that they wouldn’t fall, couples holding hands, friends skating backward, and the handful of people who were spinning and twirling professionally. Tall trees surrounded the rink, and they were all covered in small twinkling lights, reminding Nicole that Christmas was next month. A sign next to the rink announced _Christmas tree lighting at 8:00 PM, Saturday November 17th! Bring the whole family!_

Nicole took her eyes away from the sign, and looked at Waverly, impressed, “I didn’t know you could sing.”

“I _can’t_ sing,” Waverly answered without missing a beat, looking over at Nicole for a split second.

“Tell that to your incredibly sweet singing voice.” Waverly stopped singing, but Nicole said, “No wait, don’t stop. It’s relaxing.”

At a red light, Waverly turned to Nicole and studied her. Nicole thought she was trying to make sure if she was serious, and she must’ve seen that she was because when she turned around she continued to sing, this time _The Days of Wine and Roses_ by Julie London. Nicole rubbed her thumb back and forth on the top of Waverly’s hand, letting Waverly’s voice calm her beating heart. It didn’t work.

 _I can’t believe it took me this long to admit I had feelings for her,_ Nicole thought, refraining from shaking her head at herself. Finally, Waverly pulled up to the rink and parked.

“You ready?” Waverly grinned, slipping her hand out of Nicole’s. Nicole noticed that her eyes were as bright as the lights.

“I am, and obviously you are, too,” she laughed. “You really like ice skating, huh?”

“Not as much as when I get to hold the hand of literally the prettiest girl in the world while doing it.”

“Literally?” Nicole asked with eyebrows raised.

“Literally.”

“That’s strange because I thought _I_ was going to be holding the hand of literally the prettiest girl in the entire world.”

“I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree,” Waverly said, getting out of the car. Nicole smiled as she looked down to undo her seatbelt. Just as she was about to get out, Waverly opened the door.

Nicole couldn’t stop herself from blushing because Waverly had probably ran to get to her side. “Thank you.”

“I want you to have the best first date ever, and if that means running to open the door for you then so be it.”

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Nicole admitted.

Waverly blushed, and then turned her face to the side. She pointed at her cheek and said, “Then kiss me.”

Nicole laughed, and brought her face forward to leave a kiss on Waverly’s cheek slowly. When she pulled apart, Waverly’s cheeks were red.

“Come on, dork,” Nicole said, extending her hand for Waverly to take. She felt confident, like this was something she was used to, like her fears had never existed in the first place. It was easy to be light with Waverly, so easy to be herself, and she couldn’t put into words how happy she felt.

Waverly took her hand, and they walked to get their skates. A few minutes later, they were both on the edge of the rink. Waverly stepped in and found her footing easily, she didn’t have to grab the edge like most people who were stepping in.

Nicole looked at the ice, and bit her lip. _Okay, you got this, Nicole. It’s just ice, if you fall you fall, and that’s that... Except you won’t be falling in front of strangers, you’ll be falling in front of your date_.

“Take my hand, Nicole. Don’t worry, I got you,” Waverly said with a sweet smile.

“Okay,” Nicole said doubtfully. She took Waverly’s hand, and stepped onto the ice where she slipped a bit before Waverly caught her arms.

Waverly laughed, and looked at her with amusement, “You alright there?”

Nicole turned red all the way down to her neck. “Fine, just slipped a little.”

“Yeah, I know. I saw that,” Waverly said as she grasped Nicole’s hand tightly. Nicole knew it was for her own sake, and not Waverly’s.

“Just move your feet like this,” Waverly said, demonstrating the easy-looking sway. Nicole tried it, and her foot went too to the right, and she was about to slip again until Waverly grabbed her armpits quickly.

Nicole groaned and pouted, and she moved her feet enough to get herself to move as Waverly led her around the rink. “I suck at this.”

“I don’t care,” Waverly shrugged. “It’s an excuse for me to be able to hold your hand for the next hour.”

“You don’t need an excuse for that,” Nicole said as she turned to look at Waverly, taking her eyes off of her feet for a split second. It turned out to be a bad idea because next thing she knew her ass was on the ice. It was so sudden that not even Waverly was able to catch her this time.

Nicole looked up, and laughed. “Ouch.”

“Are you okay, Bambi?” Waverly laughed, skating around her to pick her up from behind.

“Perfect now that you’re so close to me,” Nicole said, turning around to face Waverly, who was leaning against Nicole’s back.

“Charming,” Waverly said with a faux flat voice, but the smile in her eyes and her pink tinted cheeks gave her away. They continued to skate around the rink the rest of the hour, and Nicole couldn’t think of the last time she’d had such a great time. She always had fun with Waverly, but now that neither of them were hiding secrets, their laughs were more freeing, and Nicole always loved to have a good laugh.

At some point, they skated toward an edge and remained there for a moment, Waverly’s hands around Nicole’s neck, and Nicole’s arms around Waverly’s waist.

“Thank you for agreeing to go on a date with me,” Waverly said, playing with the back of Nicole’s hair.

“Thank you for asking me out,” Nicole grinned. “I’m really having a great time.” It was a simple phrase, one that was thrown around all the time, but Nicole could see from Waverly’s eyes that it meant a lot that she was having a good time. That she hadn’t regretted anything, that she was genuinely having fun without forcing herself. Nicole was ecstatic about that, too.

Twenty minutes later, they’d gotten off the ice, and bought pizza at one of the stands. It was crap pizza that tasted like cardboard, but it didn’t matter. They sat squished together among the organized stands where others were enjoying their crap slices of pizza, too. Waverly’s arm was crossed with Nicole’s, and they ate in silence as they watched the movie playing on the projector screen, _The Polar Express_. Hero Girl was asking Hero Boy if he trusted her. It was a loaded question, Nicole thought.

One that normally Nicole would have to think about answering, but this time she found as she looked at Waverly who was entranced by the film that she didn’t have to think about it. At this moment, Nicole knew that she’d be okay.

She bent down, level with Waverly’s ear, and she whispered, “I trust you.”

Waverly turned around with bright eyes. “I trust you, too.”

Nicole didn’t realize how much she needed to hear that until relief settled over her the way flakes of snow settled onto Waverly’s hair.

❧

Waverly and Nicole walked up to Nicole’s door shivering, and with noses painted pink at the tips. Nicole thought that this would be the part where they stood on the doorstep awkwardly before they finally shared their first kiss like in the movies, but it took a whole other direction, one completely unexpected.

“Go inside,” Waverly said, pushing Nicole toward the door.

Waverly’s voice wasn’t harsh, but Nicole knew that sometimes she just had to go with whatever she said without questioning it, so with scrunched eyebrows, she unlocked her door and went inside. She didn’t even turn fully back around before Waverly was shutting the door behind her.

“What the h—”

Waverly knocked, interrupting her question. It was hurried, and it reminded Nicole of a few days ago when Waverly came back, the night Nicole confessed her feelings.

Nicole opened the door, and Waverly stood there with a playfulness in her eyes.

“I want to kiss you,” Waverly said.

Nicole looked at her with confusion. “What?”

“I really, _really_ want to kiss you,” Waverly replied.

That was when Nicole put it together. This was _exactly_ like that night, Waverly was re-enacting, and this time, Nicole could change things. Last time she’d rejected her, but this time around, it would be perfect.

Holding back a laugh, Nicole, grinning and shaking her head in disbelief at the woman with the snow in her hair, said with a soft voice, “Then kiss me.”

Waverly grinned, and didn’t hesitate before she brought her face close to Nicole’s. The harsh wind was blowing Nicole’s hair back (Waverly’s beanie kept hers from flying forward) as Waverly grabbed her cheeks, and despite the snow outside, they were as warm as a cup of hot chocolate. Nicole wrapped her arms around Waverly’s waist. She took in the spark in Waverly’s eyes, the small, almost unnoticeable scar on her nose from when she’d fallen off a scooter when she was younger, and the softness of her plump lips. Nicole didn’t want to wait any longer, and so she repeated, this time as a whisper, “Kiss me.”

Waverly didn’t hesitate any longer, and she put her warm lips on Nicole’s cold ones and kissed slowly and hesitantly as Nicole’s heart pounded in her chest the way a vexatious neighbor pounds on the floor to get you to lower your music. Nicole took Waverly’s upper lip in between hers, and kissed a little more desperately, Waverly following her lead.

The soft kiss turned more passionate—their heat could’ve melted the snow. Nicole wrapped her arms around Waverly impossibly tighter, bringing her as close as she could, and Waverly had moved her arms around Nicole’s neck. They were lost in each other’s lips and tongues, completely consumed by each other, until the urge to breathe become too strong.

Waverly suddenly smiled, and Nicole did too, lost in a happiness that couldn’t be put into words, and then the kiss became messy until they slowed down. With one last peck, Nicole drew back just to run her nose up Waverly’s nose, and end with a delicate kiss in the middle of her eyebrows.

“Wow,” Waverly breathed out, “That was—”

“The best kiss ever,” Nicole said, sounding like a cliché character in any romance movie. “For me, I mean. I don’t want to sound cocky, and assume that was your best kiss ever too, you know, ‘cause—”

Waverly put her lips to Nicole’s, kissing her slow, and then she pulled apart. “That was the best kiss ever,” she whispered. “Worth the wait.”

“Worth getting rejected the first time?” Nicole asked, her guilty eyes on Waverly’s lips.

Waverly laughed, “Yes, even worth that.”

Nicole grinned and left a kiss on Waverly’s nose. Somehow, it was the only cold thing about her. “We should probably get away from the snow. You want to come in?” Nicole asked.

“Actually,” Waverly said, tightening her grip around Nicole’s neck. “I think I should go.”

Nicole pouted, but she understood enough not to argue. “As much as I don’t want you to go, I think you’re right.” Waverly kissed the pout away.

Nicole didn’t let her pull away, and they kissed for a moment longer.

“Okay,” Waverly breathed, “I’m gonna go now.” She hesitantly unwrapped herself from Nicole, and vice versa.

Waverly took a step back, and Nicole leaned against the doorway.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” Waverly asked, a blush suddenly on her cheeks, as if she couldn’t believe she’d just made out with Nicole.

Nicole nodded, and was surprised when Waverly leaned forward to give her another quick kiss before turning around and heading to her car. Nicole was reminded of the line from Face/Off, “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.” There couldn’t be a truer statement.

She forced herself to move away from the doorway and close her door. She walked dreamily to her couch, where she threw herself down, and laid on it. _I just went on a date with Waverly Earp_ , she thought. _I, Nicole Haught, just went on a date._

“Holy fuck,” Nicole whispered, bringing her hand up to touch her lips softly. She turned on the couch, to lay on her side and closed her eyes. She forced herself to fall asleep before the doubt came creeping up on her and she ended up regretting the night.

❧

Nicole smiled at the window, the feeling of the first kiss back in her chest and the memory of their first date at the edge of her mind.

 _Everything was good so far,_ Nicole thought. Nicole hadn’t thought too deeply about everything that had happened because she knew she would fall into this dark hole where she’d find doubt, regret, and endless fear the way you were sure you’d find hair in a drained clog.

Nicole knew that wasn’t healthy, that she wasn’t dealing with anything. But a bigger part of her said _to hell with all that._ She just wanted to enjoy her time with Waverly. Was there anything wrong with that? Why did life always have to be so complicated? Why couldn’t she just go out with the woman she really liked, and have it be that simple? Why did she have to deal with all of her shit?

Nicole didn’t have an answer to that so she decided that she _wouldn’t_ deal with her shit. Maybe things would just get resolved on their own. Maybe everything would get pushed down so low that it would never come back up again.

For now, Nicole understood that there were some things in the world that made fear run through your veins before you even tried it out. Just the thought of that thing terrified you. You wouldn’t even dare try it because what if you ended up hurt? What if you broke a bone? What if your feelings got hurt? What if what you were afraid of actually did happen? What happened then?

Then, you really thought about it— _What happened then?_ You stare at nothing as you run the question through your mind, and all you can think is “Huh.” Because in that moment you’d realize that the worst thing that could happen wasn’t as bad as you thought. So what if you did break a bone? It healed. What if your feelings for hurt? You healed. What if, what if, what if?

That was all we could go on, so eventually we do what we should’ve done ages ago. We accept the worst possibility, and we do it anyway.

Then, you finally do the thing that had been terrifying you. You take the chance, and that was when you laughed at yourself because you were being so ridiculous! The thing that you were so afraid of hadn’t happened, and it probably wouldn’t, and you can’t figure out why you were so afraid of it to start with.

That was exactly how Nicole felt. She went her entire life holding herself back from something that she was sure would hurt her, but when she looked into Waverly’s eyes, she thought, _She could break my heart, but so what? Seriously. So fucking what?_

It was so easy to slide into this... thing with Waverly. It was like everything that she ever thought about relationships had never crossed her mind. She was just being, and it was refreshing, freeing.

The idea still lingered in her mind, but not often. The idea that Waverly could break her heart, but it didn’t matter. That was just life. There could be so much pain involved in love, but honestly, it was worth it. Besides, if people didn’t take a chance on love every single day, where would we be?

 _So much for not allowing myself to think about it, Nicole_ thought, but she forced herself to stop because as nice as these thoughts were, Nicole could feel a spark a of fear, and she knew this spark would eventually ignite into a full fire that would have her running out of Waverly’s home in fear.

Thankfully, Nicole suddenly felt arms wrap around her waist and a kiss on her cheek. Almost two weeks in and such a small action still made her blush.

“What are you thinking about, baby?” Waverly asked, leaving a trail of kisses on the back of Nicole’s neck.

Nicole smiled at the feeling and shrugged, “Not much.”

“Well ‘not much’ had you smiling at a window,” Waverly teased. Nicole turned red, and looked down to which Waverly laughed. “I’m teasing, you don’t have to tell me.”

“Good, because I just want to kiss you right now,” Nicole said with a grin as she turn around.

“You won’t find me arguing,” Waverly smiled as she kissed Nicole. Nicole moved closer to Waverly and put her lips to hers. They kissed for a while before Waverly pulled apart.

On her knees, Waverly pushed Nicole’s hair back and kissed her forehead. Then she sat crossed-legged in front of Nicole, and took her hands. “Hey, um—I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Is everything okay?” Nicole asked, her worries automatically rising at the sudden shift in mood.

“Yes, everything’s fine... I think,” Waverly said, looking into her eyes. Waverly’s eyes never lied. “I just, I need to tell you this, and I don’t know how you’re going to react.”

“You can tell me anything,” Nicole said, squeezing her hands, not allowing herself to let her mind go to the worst places possible.

Waverly nodded absentmindedly, and said, “I had a hard day the day after our first date.”

“You did? Why?” Nicole asked, her eyebrows creased.

Waverly looked down as if ashamed about what she was about to admit, and when she spoke, Nicole realized that she _was_ ashamed.

“I was afraid practically the entire day that you were going to call me. I was scared that you were going to tell me that you wanted to take it all back, that you hadn’t enjoyed our time together. Then I felt even worse because I thought that, but the ultimate guilt came after that because not even a full 24 hours before, I’d told you that I trusted you. But I’d lied,” Waverly whispered. “I didn’t know I’d lied, but I did.”

Nicole felt guilt rise up in her stomach and chest. “Waverly, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, no, it’s okay,” Waverly said, looking back up, and rubbing her hand over Nicole’s eyebrow. “It’s okay. But look, that’s not all I have to say.”

Waverly suddenly hunched her shoulders, and pulled her hands back. She looked down again, and Nicole didn’t stop her worry this time.

“What I’m saying is that trust can take a long time to build, and even though I trust you a lot more than I have the first day, I still don’t know if I fully trust you,” Waverly said in a low voice.

“Oh,” Nicole said, her chest suddenly heavy. The admission hurt Nicole, more than she wished it did, but as Nicole thought about it more, she found that she understood.

She understood because the truth was... she didn’t trust Waverly as much as she thought she did, either. And she hadn’t realized it until Waverly admitted it out loud. She’d had a small inkling, but she thought those whispers were her fears, small monsters in her brain coaxing her to leave.

Nicole looked at Waverly, whose eyes were on the blanket underneath her. Nicole tilted her chin up slowly. She was surprised to find tears in Waverly’s eyes.

“Hey,” Nicole said, nodding, a small smile on her face. “I get it.”

“You do?” Waverly’s eyes were filled with shock.

Nicole nodded. “I actually feel the same way,” she said, biting her lip, a guilty look on her face. “I don’t mean to feel this way, but I do, and I think it’s okay...”

“Really? You think that two people seeing each other don’t need to trust each other?”

“I think,” Nicole said, “that we got carried away because we had such a perfect night, a night I will _never_ regret”—Waverly smiled at that—“and we both have to build our trust in each other over time.”

“Do you think we’ll trust each other eventually?” Waverly asked in a small voice that Nicole wasn’t accustomed to hearing.

“I really hope so,” Nicole said, her hand on Waverly’s cheek. “For now, we just take it one day at a time. How’s that sound?”

“I think it sounds like a great idea,” Waverly said. “I’m sorry I don’t trust you.”

Nicole couldn’t help it, and she let out a laugh. Waverly smiled at that, bright like the snow on the ground, and Nicole wrapped her arms around Waverly in a tight hug.

“I’m sorry I don’t trust you either,” Nicole grinned. “Now come on,” she said as she leaned against the wall and opened her legs. “Come watch the snow with me.”

Waverly smiled, but she got up first to get the blankets she’d left on the couch. She adjusted herself to put her back against Nicole’s front as Nicole wrapped her arms around her waist. Waverly wrapped the blankets around them, and it was a little too warm for Nicole, but she didn’t care. Together, they watched the snow until Waverly dozed off with her cheek against Nicole’s collarbone. Nicole couldn’t stop her heart from beating fast at the sight.

It was simple for Nicole now, just like she wanted, but like always, things weren’t always as simple as they may seem in the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such an ominous ending, right?? I wonder what’s gonna happen...
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this first date! 
> 
> P.S. The playlist in this is one of my actually playlists on Spotify if you want to give it a listen! My username’s Itxy97 :)


	6. Let’s Talk (Let’s Stop Talking)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally hereeee, and I’m very excited for you guys to read this chapter! So, enjoy, and I hope it’s worth the month long wait!!
> 
> Thanks 8Twelve and The GayestEarp for editing! You guys are the best. 
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole was laying on a blanket when a soft hand found its way to hers. Nicole turned her head to face Waverly, who was already looking at her with a smile. They were laying in the middle of Nicole’s living room, having spent the last four hours binge-watching _Suits_. Waverly had reprimanded Nicole for calling Meghan Markle hot not once, but _twice_ , but now they were enjoying the comfortable silence between them with the tv off.

“Why are you still in Purgatory?” Waverly asked.

The question caught Nicole off guard, but she knew her answer anyway.“I don’t know,” she said with a pensive look as if it were the first time that question had come to mind. She let go of Waverly to turn on her side so her head rested on her arm.

Waverly emulated her position, and grabbed her hand again while giving her an amused look. “You don’t know why you’re still here?” she laughed.

Nicole laughed and then spoke again. “I’d never been to Purgatory before I came here, but I’d heard of it because I had a great-grandma who lived here, and when I decided to move, this place came to mind.”

“Why did you want to move in the first place?”

“I just wanted to leave the city life for a while, take a step back and relax,” Nicole said as she scrunched her nose up at her lack of a response. “I think I stayed ‘cause I got comfortable. Yeah, the people are shit, but work is good, the town is mostly quiet and peaceful, and the view of the rockies isn’t so bad.”

“Am I shit, too?” Waverly asked with one badly raised eyebrow.

Nicole laughed, and shook her head before kissing Waverly’s cheek. “You’re the opposite of shit.”

“I’m pretty sure the opposite of shit is piss.”

“You know what I mean!” Nicole said, slapping Waverly’s arm playfully.

Waverly grinned and brought her lips to Nicole’s. They kissed for a few minutes, and when Waverly pulled apart, she asked another question. “Do you want to stay here?”

“What’s with all the questions?” Nicole teased, but she answered anyway. “No, I don’t want to stay here, and that’s all I know,” Nicole said before Waverly could ask where she wanted to go or when she’d want to leave. Waverly rolled her eyes. “But what about you?” Nicole asked, playing with the tips of Waverly’s fingers. “The day we met, you said you were looking for a new beginning. Why’s that?”

Waverly bit her lip, clearly hesitant to say anything.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Nicole said, squeezing her hand.

“No, I want to tell you, it’s just a lot,” Waverly answered with a small smile.

“Take your time,” Nicole said, bringing up Waverly’s hand to give it a kiss. “What happened?”

“His name was Mark,” Waverly finally said. “We moved in together after a year of dating, although looking back, I don’t know why. I loved him,” Waverly said with a small smile, “But not that way. I loved him up until we moved in together. Turns out that he also loved me, but as a friend. W just didn’t know it.

“We became toxic to each other. I loved being around him, but I didn’t want to be around him as much as I was. Living together was the worst thing to happen, but also the best because it made me realize we weren’t good together. Mark wasn’t an asshole or anything, he had good intentions and he was always respectful, but thinking back, not once did he ever make me feel worthy. Like I was someone worth fighting for. Does that make sense?”

Nicole nodded, and Waverly went on.

“When I realized that how my friend’s boyfriends were treating them wasn’t how mine was treating me, it really hurt me and my self esteem to know that I wasn’t someone that made him think, ‘I can never lose her. I will always do my best to make her happy.’

“He treated me more like an acquaintance than a girlfriend. One night, some of my friends went on a group date, and I wanted to go, but Mark said he didn’t feel like it, went to the couch, and fell asleep. He didn’t give me a second thought. I think by then both of us were sick of each other, but too afraid to admit it.

“Since I was left alone, I had a lot of time to think. You know how sometimes we all have nights where we beat ourselves up for no reason? Like, we feel insecure but we just give ourselves even more shit?” She didn’t give Nicole a chance to reply. “I had one of those nights and since he was making me feel unworthy, I kept telling myself that I wasn’t enough, that nobody actually loved me. I was destroying myself.

“At around three in the morning, I caught myself. I stopped my thoughts, and I realized that wasn’t me. All those thoughts... there was something wrong. At that point, I knew it was my relationship. It was only hurting me. I knew that I had to leave, so I did. The next day, I broke up with him. He looked relieved, which still hurt, if I’m being honest. But I knew that I had to figure out how to be me again.

“Deep down I knew I was worth something, it’s just that he didn’t see it and neither did I. I started taking care of myself, started being nice to myself, and then I got the job opportunity here. I took it as a sign, and thought why not? It would be a great place to get a fresh start, and that’s exactly what I got.”

Nicole looked at Waverly and could only think one thing– _How could you ever think that you”re not worthy_?

“What are you thinking?” Waverly asked.

Nicole blinked. “You’re so confident now, so sure of yourself, and I guess I just assumed that you were always that way.”

“I was always a confident child, a confident teenager even. I knew myself more than others knew themselves, and I really felt unstoppable, but when I turned seventeen, I realized I was bisexual. For someone who knew themselves so well, that sure as hell came as a surprise,” Waverly laughed. Nicole heard a sadness in it that made her realize this wasn’t going to be a happy story. “Anyway, a few months later, once I came to the conclusion that yes, I really did like girls too, I decided to tell my parents.”

“I’m guessing they didn’t take it well?” Nicole asked, her eyes sad.

“I had their support in every decision I made,” Waverly said. “They were always there. They loved me, you know?” Waverly paused, her eyes lost in the memory. Her eyes filled with tears, but no tear was spilt. “And then I came out. They looked at me like I was a stranger, not the daughter they admired. I was destroyed,” Waverly said, anger burning her tears away. “A lot of things changed for me then. They kicked me out, and I moved in with my aunt Gus and uncle Curtis. I had basically lost my parents, and while I hadn’t realized this until years later, my self-esteem was destroyed.

“My self-worth plummeted to the ground, and when I left Mark, I realized why none of my relationships had worked up until that point. My parents made me feel like I was unworthy of love, of respect, of care. My own parents didn’t think I was worthy, so why should I feel that way about myself?

“I was so desperate to be seen that I threw myself into half-assed relationships like the one with Mark, but it wasn’t until him that I finally realized it. I needed to find my worth first because if I didn’t, I would only keep attracting assholes that didn’t treat me like I was worthy. So, I worked on myself, I fell in love with me _first_. Sometimes my insecurities get the best of me, but I’m human. The point is that I let go of the shit I started believing because of my parents and now here I am. Strong, brave, and motherfucking _worthy_.”

Nicole stared at Waverly, at a loss for words. She found that there was only one question she could ask. “Did I make you feel unworthy?” Nicole held her breath, honestly afraid of the answer.

Waverly didn’t answer right away, but Nicole knew what she would say because Waverly never lied. “Yes,” Waverly said with sad eyes, but Nicole knew that she wasn’t sad because she’d just had to relive a terrible memory. She was hurt because she had to admit something to her that she hadn’t wanted to admit.

Nicole closed her eyes, disappointed in herself. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, moving her hands away from Waverly’s. She didn’t feel like she could touch her now.

Waverly grabbed her hands again and kissed her knuckles. She grabbed them so quickly that Nicole knew that Waverly knew how she would react. “You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Waverly said in a strong tone. “Not wanting to be with me is not something that someone has to be sorry about. Me feeling unworthy wasn’t on you, but on _me_. Not everyone is going to say yes to being with me, and if I always let that make me feel unworthy, that’s on me, okay?”

Nicole looked down, and Waverly tilted her chin up.

“Nicole, say okay.”

Nicole nodded, and said, “Okay.” Still, her heart felt heavy because she _had_ wanted to be with her. She’d just been too afraid. She was _still_ too afraid.

“You make me feel worthy now, and most importantly, I feel worthy because I choose to,” Waverly said with a smile, her eyes still wet with tears. “Even if you made me feel unworthy before, I was able to bounce back because like I said, I know my worth, and it just proves to me how much I’ve really grown. No one has to tell me because I know that I matter by nature. I define my worth, not anybody else.”

“You’re incredible,” Nicole said, shaking her head at Waverly’s honesty, wisdom, and strength. “You’re... I don’t think I know a word to describe you.”

“You’re incredible too, Nicole. Incredible and worthy of so much love and kindness.” She got closer to Nicole and lost herself in Nicole’s neck, who hugged her tight. Nicole only had one thought— _am I?_ —but it left her the instant it came.

❧

Waverly and Nicole walked hand in hand down the street, both huddled tightly in coats and scarves. They’d just finished having a meal at _Red’s_ , and Nicole missed the coffee that had warmed her throat and stomach.

As she walked, she thought about what had happened at the restaurant, a ghost of a smile on her face. While she was eating, she had suddenly felt something hit her forehead. Confused, she looked up from her pancakes only to find Waverly staring around the restaurant innocently. However, in front of her on the table were about fifteen straws, and one of them was missing a wrapper.

“What the—where you’d you get _those_ from?” Nicole asked, as her fork hit her plate.

“The magical straw fairy left them under my plate,” Waverly said in what Nicole assumed was her “magical” voice. As she spoke, she’d gotten another straw and unwrapped it without Nicole noticing—she slipped it away the way someone playing Spoons might grab a spoon after getting a four of a kind—and another straw wrapper hit her nose before falling to her pancake.

Nicole groaned, “Waves, avoid my food, will you?” She took the wrapper off of her pancake before she continued to eat. She took two more bites of her pancakes before three wrappers hit her under her eyes.

“That’s it,” Nicole said, leaning across the table quickly before grabbing a handful of straws. She’d never been much of a morning person, and Waverly was not making it any easier.

“Hey!” Waverly said.

“Will you just eat, please?” Nicole asked, gesturing at the plate in front of Waverly. “I want to finish before my food gets cold!” It was one other thing that irked Nicole: cold food, _especially_ cold breakfast.

Waverly sighed, and ate her own waffles but not without slamming her fork against the plate. Despite how annoyed Nicole was, she couldn’t help the idea forming in her mind, so slowly, with the hand that was on her lap, she started to take off the wrappers of her straws.

She did so as quietly as she could, her eyes flicking over to Waverly, who looked deep in thought, every now and then. Once she got the fifth wrapper off successfully, she rolled up the wrappers into tiny balls the way Waverly had and willed herself not to drop the straws.

Once she did that, she grasped them all tightly so that they wouldn’t fall, and then she brought up her hand and pretended to cough. She popped in two of the wrappers into her mouth before spitting them out into her hand, then she coughed again and popped in the last three before spitting them out. Waverly glanced at her, but she didn’t seem to notice anything and looked back down to her plate, this time poking at her scrambled eggs.

Nicole grabbed one of the straws off her leg, and while she put more pancake in her mouth with one hand, she put a wrapper in one of the straws, and then the next, until she had five straws all with one saliva-soaked wrapper in it. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d even thrown a spitball.

Quickly enough so that Waverly wouldn’t realize what was happening, she picked up one straw, put it in her mouth, and blew out so that suddenly a spitball was stuck on Waverly’s forehead.

Waverly gasped, and grabbed the spitball off of her forehead. “Nicole!” she yelled. “What the hell?” But Nicole didn’t respond because she was laughing too loud, loud enough that the other customers were giving them weird looks.

Nicole stopped laughing when a spitball got stuck in her hair. “Aw, dude!” Nicole said, a semi-disgusted look on her face, but instead of taking it out right away, she picked up another straw and blew out again, this time hitting Waverly’s chest.

“That’s unfair!” Waverly said. ‘You’re already prepared! When did you even do that?”

“The magical spitball fairy left them under my plate,” Nicole smirked.

Waverly laughed at that, and from then they continued to throw their spitballs at each other like a bunch of elementary school kids during lunch time. Nicole realized that despite how annoyed she’d been in the beginning, she’d never had fun with anyone as much as she had fun with Waverly, and she hadn't realized how much she’d missed laughing so damn hard.

“I can’t believe you got all those spitballs together with one hand. I didn’t even see you!” Waverly said as they walked passed window displays, parents running late to school, their kids’ small legs trying to keep up with their pace, and the occasional dog-walker.

“Just think of it as another one of my special talents. You can ice skate, but I can make spitballs without you even noticing,” Nicole grinned. She hugged Waverly’s shoulders with one arm, and kissed her forehead.

It was then that they passed two women, one of whom Nicole had slept with, that changed the atmosphere.

“I can’t believe she finally settled down,” said one woman, another redhead, not even bothering to lower her voice.

“Me neither. Although, maybe she hasn’t. Maybe the sex is just so great she’s pretending,” the other woman, the one Nicole had slept with, replied. She looked straight at Nicole as she spoke. “I don’t think she’s capable of feelings or of opening herself up to someone. She’s too fucked up.”

Nicole clenched her jaw, and held back any words. She didn’t want any problems, not right now. She forced herself to look forward and continue walking with Waverly. She pulled her hand away from Waverly and crossed her arms because she was so furious she thought she’d squeeze Waverly’s hand off.

Nicole looked at Waverly, but Waverly looked as though she was in her own world, and Nicole’s heart stopped. Did she believe them? Did Waverly agree? That maybe she was too fucked up to ever be ready to be in an actual relationship? Nicole bit the inside of her cheek and held back tears. What would happen if Waverly ended things? _Do we even have a “thing”?_ Nicole thought.

 _It’s my fault_ , Nicole thought as they neared her home. _I’m too goddamn afraid of everything, and I didn’t make things clear, and now I’m going to get hurt. That’s why I didn’t want to get into this in the first place. It’s all so fucking complicated_.

They reached Nicole’s place, and Nicole hesitantly put the key in before stepping in slowly. With her heart already half broken, she turned to face Waverly.

“We’re going to have an adult conversation about why I’m not ready to have sex with you yet,” Waverly blurted.

Nicole stared at Waverly in shock. “Um—what?”

“Oh come on, we’ve been together for a while but we haven’t actually slept together, and when those two women mentioned the great sex we’re probably having, I realized we haven’t actually talked about.”

“What about the other things they said?” Nicole asked, looking down.

“What about it?” Waverly asked, a confused expression on her face.

Nicole snapped her eyes back up. _Is she serious?_ “Well, don’t you believe them?” she asked, scared about Waverly’s answer. “That I’m too fucked up?”

Waverly waved her hand nonchalantly, clearly unaware of Nicole’s inner turmoil. “Oh we’re all too fucked up,” she said as she walked to the couch. “Now lets talk about sex,” she grinned. That grin melted away all of Nicole’s doubt, it was like boiled water evaporating into the air.

All Nicole did was laugh in relief. “Okay, let’s talk about it, then.” It wasn’t until she sat down that Nicole realized that she was actually a bit embarrassed to admit why she personally wasn’t ready to sleep with Waverly. It didn’t have to do with trust, that was one thing Nicole knew. In fact, over the past few days, Nicole realized that she’d reached a point where she’d trust Waverly with her life. She didn’t know how it happened or that it could happen so fast, but she did, and it was a relief.

The part she loved was that she didn’t even have to tell Waverly. She just knew, and Nicole knew that Waverly knew she would never hurt her intentionally. Trust was a weird thing, that was for sure.

Still, Nicole knew she had to tell Waverly why she wasn’t ready to have sex either.

“You go first,” Waverly said.

Nicole snorted. “Okay,” she said hesitantly, but she didn’t say anything.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Waverly said with a soft smile. Nicole found no teasing in her eyes, and with that, she was able to speak despite her cheeks feeling hot.

“It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you,” Nicole said, looking into Waverly’s eyes. “I do... _God_ , I do, but I want it to be special, you know?” Nicole scrunched her nose at how cheesy she sounded, and looked away from Waverly “I sound like a sixteen-year-old about to fuck someone for the first time,” she said. Waverly laughed and kissed her forehead.

Nicole smiled at that and grabbed both of her hands, looking into her eyes again. “Look, as you know, I’ve had a lot of sex.” Waverly raised her eyebrows at her, but Nicole ignored it. “Lots of meaningless one-night stands and flings, but with you I know it’s not going to be meaningless. You’re not just someone that I’m going to fuck and leave, you’re someone that I want to, you know, make love to,” Nicole said as her cheeks turned redder. She couldn’t believe she was talking about this, but she forced herself to continue.

“Don’t stop now,” Waverly said with a soft laugh, running her hand through Nicole’s hair.

Nicole continued. “I don’t want to ruin everything. I want to treat you with respect, and make you feel good at the same time, make you feel _worthy_.”

“You make me feel worthy every time you look me in the eyes,” Waverly said without hesitation. “You don’t have to overthink this, okay? When the time comes, everything will be perfect.”

Nicole nodded and allowed herself to believe Waverly’s words. She allowed herself to take a breath, and then she asked Waverly why she wasn’t ready.

“This is kind of embarrassing, but I—uhh—haven’t had sex since I broke up with Mark,” Waverly admitted, her cheeks redder than Nicole’s.

“Oh,” Nicole said, not out of judgement, but of surprise.

“Yup,” Waverly said, obviously feeling a bit awkward.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, you know?” Nicole said, squeezing her hands.

“I know, I know, but right now I guess it feels like there’s something wrong with it?” Waverly said. “What I’m trying to say is that I guess I’m a little afraid to be that vulnerable again with someone. And it’s not because of you, it’s because of me and my insecurities. And I guess... a part of me _is_ afraid that you’ll fuck me and leave,” Waverly flinched at her own words.

Nicole nodded her head in understanding, not offended because she knew this wasn’t about her but about Waverly. She took both of Waverly’s hands, and forced her to look her in the eyes.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Nicole said with a smile. “There’s no pressure. I think that we’ll both be ready when the time comes, and for now we’ll just continue doing what we’ve been doing, but I’m going to say it again: I’m not going to sleep with you and then leave. I would never do that to you, okay? That’s a promise.”

Waverly only nodded, and leaned forward to kiss Nicole.

❧

Waverly and Nicole agreed that they were going to dress up before going to Shorty’s just for the hell of it. Everyone felt like being a little fancy every now and then, and tonight was their night. Nicole wore a black dress that hugged her tight, and Waverly went with a short red dress that left Nicole’s jaw dropped. Waverly did her own make up, and Nicole’s (Nicole couldn’t do her make up for shit), they put on high heels, and did their hair. They looked like they were going to the opera rather than a dank bar.

When the pair walked into Shorty’s, all eyes moved their way and stayed there. All the comments of them being “sluts” and “whores” disappeared to the back of their minds as their eyes moved from top to bottom and back to the top again.

With twin smirks on their faces, Waverly and Nicole strode down the few steps and toward the bar where Hayley was smirking back at them. She put two beers on the bar and said, “On the house for the hottest girls in Shorty’s,” and then pretended to bow down to them both.

That led them here, standing by the jukebox, listening to _Piano Man_ by Billy Joel when Nicole saw a woman with brown hair and grey/green eyes walking up to her.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Nicole muttered. She turned around when she heard Waverly let out a sigh as she rolled her eyes. It made Nicole’s chest ache, but she was a coward. She was brave in every single area of her life except the one that mattered most.

Every now and then, Nicole would be talking with Waverly at Shorty’s when a hand suddenly caressed her arm or landed on her shoulder softly behind her. Nicole would turn red, not say a word to Waverly and turn to face a pretty brunette, a tall blonde, or a black-haired women with chocolate brown eyes.

Nicole never knew what to say, so she would turn around and stumble out, “Hi.” The women would either bend down to her level or tiptoe to whisper in her ear what they wanted to do with her, they’d ask out loud if she was looking for a good time, or simply look into her eyes and nod toward the door, a gesture that said _You want to get out of here?_

Nicole didn’t know whether or not the women knew she had a thing with Waverly or if they chose to ignore it, but still, Nicole always just gave them a smile, said no, and then turned back around to where Waverly was chugging down her beer or giving them all death stares.

Sometimes the air was awkward between her and Waverly afterward, but most times, they’d continue their conversations like nothing had happened. However, things started changing as the days went by and they got closer.

It was strange because even though Nicole was seeing Waverly, they weren’t exclusive. They weren’t together, no matter how much it seemed to be that way.

Eventually, as a girl would twirl the ends of Nicole’s hair, Waverly’s eyes would fill with hurt and jealousy. _I have a girlfriend_ , Nicole wanted to say. It was a thought that surprised her, but she never said it, no matter how bad that small part of her was itching to burst. That would make everything real. The possibility of her hurting Waverly the way her mom had hurt her dad would become an all too real possibility, one that she wouldn’t be able to take back. Nicole _refused_ to become her mom.

Instead of Nicole admitting that she was dating the best person in her life, she just mumbled _sorry, I’m not in the mood._ Then she’d look at Waverly with an apologetic look, and they’d go to Nicole’s apartment or Waverly’s home, or a place other than Shorty’s.

Tonight was the same, but also so much different.

“Hey,” said the woman when she reached Nicole. From her peripheral, Nicole saw Waverly stiffen.

“Hi,” Nicole said with an obvious fake smile. _Just leave me alone, it said_.

Sadly, the woman didn’t catch on. “I heard that you’re the girl to come to if you’re looking for a good time.”

Nicole stopped herself from rolling her eyes. Did she really have to say it like that? Is that what they say to guys? Or do they just go up to them and flirt without making them feel disgusting about how much sex they’ve had? Because that sounds a hell of a lot better than whatever’s happening right now.

“Look, um—”

“Savannah,” she said with a smirk.

“Yeah, Savannah. You look—” Nicole looked at Waverly—“ _nice_.”

“Nice?” Savannah asked with an offended look.

“Yeah, nice,” Nicole emphasized, annoyed. “But I’m not interested.”

Savannah didn’t say anything, and then she looked between Waverly and Nicole. “Oh, are you two together? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize!”

Nicole’s eyes widened, and she put her hands up, “Oh no, we’re not together... it’s just—” She stopped when she heard steps walking away from her. She turned, and saw Waverly walking toward the back door. “Wait, Waverly!” Nicole yelled right away, but Waverly kept going.

“Complicated?” Savannah said from behind her.

Nicole looked at her with sad eyes and nodded. “If you’ll excuse me...”

Savannah nodded and was about to turn away, but then she turned back around and said, “If she means something to you, I’d do something about it.”

“Yeah, most people would,” Nicole said, turning around and running toward the back door. Poor Savannah was probably confused as fuck.

When Nicole opened the back door, the cold bit her cheeks as if small vampire-like creatures had settled on her face to rest for the night. It reminded her of that night in the bathroom. As the door closed behind her slowly, the music becoming more and more muted, she realized that she didn’t want to go back to that place.

“Waverly, wait!” Nicole yelled when she saw Waverly about to turn the corner. “ _Please_!”

Nicole didn’t think Waverly would stop, but she did, and when she turned around, Nicole felt her heart drop to her stomach because Waverly was crying. She was crying because _she’d_ caused her pain.

“I just need more time,” Nicole said. It was all she could think of.

“More time for what?” Waverly asked. “To be ready? Nicole, I said that you were worth it, and you are, but I can only be dragged along for so long. I’m not a rag doll, you know? I’m not some toy that you can play around with only to be dumped when you get bored.”

“I won’t do that, Waverly! I pro—”

Waverly threw her hand up. “Don’t promise me that, Nicole. Don’t make promises you don’t know you can keep. It’s selfish.”

Nicole nodded. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“Just—“ Waverly groaned. “Stop apologizing, will you? I know you’re sorry.”

Nicole was about to apologize for apologizing too much, but she kept her mouth shut.

“I want to be with you,” Waverly said. “Really be with you, and it hurts me that that can’t happen.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Nicole said, tears in her eyes not for Waverly, but for herself.

“Say you want to be with me!” Waverly yelled, exasperated.

“I can’t do that, Waverly!” Nicole yelled. “I can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ll hurt you.”

“You’re already hurting me!” Waverly yelled, her voice cracking at the end. “I didn’t want to admit it, but goddamn it Nicole, it’s the truth, and I am not a liar, and neither are you. So why don’t you just admit it to yourself? Why can’t you just tell me you want to be with me.”

“Your want to know the truth?” Nicole asked. “I’m a coward! There’s no other reason. I’m just some big fucking coward that can’t do what’s necessary to protect the woman she likes with every inch of her being, the woman she thinks about first thing in the morning and is her last thought every night, the woman that has made her rethink _every single thought_ she’s ever had about love and relationships since they met because that woman is the best goddamn person in her life. Waverly you are worth more than you know to me, but I’m still me. I’m still scared.”

Waverly wiped away her tears before walking closer to Nicole. She surprised Nicole by bringing her into a tight hug. “That’s all I needed to hear,” Waverly whispered.

“I’m not ready, _yet_ ,” Nicole emphasized with a sureness in her voice she knew Waverly would hear.

“We don’t need to put a label on it,” Waverly said, pulling apart.

“What?” Nicole asked, holding Waverly by the waist. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t ever want to let go.

“I just need to know that you’re not and you won’t be sleeping with other women. I know that for people that aren’t exclusive that sounds extremely controlling, and I’m not saying you’re not allowed to do what you want, but I don’t like the idea of having an open, you know, whatever we are. Open relationships aren’t my thing. I want to know that the person I’m with only wants to be with me. I’m not seeing anyone else, and I don’t plan to.”

Nicole nodded her head slowly. “Okay.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the same thing out loud. Not yet They could say that they were “dating” or _whatever_ , and that they weren’t seeing other people, and maybe that is a relationship, but technically it wasn’t, and that was all the security Nicole needed.

She was afraid that not saying anything would hurt Waverly, but when Waverly gave her a nod and hugged her again, that was when Nicole finally realized it.

Building up her walls around Waverly wasn’t a possibility for her anymore. She let them down without knowing, piece by piece, and now Waverly could read her like a book she’d read five times before. There was no hiding from Waverly anymore, no more hard eyes and cold stares because one warm look from her, and she would melt it away. 

Just a few weeks ago that thought would’ve terrified her, the fact that Waverly could read what she was feeling when she wanted to, but now she found that she was actually grateful for it. She was glad that Waverly could read her because maybe she was afraid to say it out loud, to make it real and put it out into the Universe, but there was no need.

Waverly knew with a single look that Nicole wasn’t interested in being with anyone else either. More importantly, she wasn’t planning on sleeping with another woman. It was a small step, but every step counted. Waverly trusted her, and Nicole trusted Waverly, and that was enough.

Until it wasn’t. Because you can’t get by in life by only taking small steps. Every now and then, you have to take a giant leap, one that scares the crap out of you. One that always takes you farther than you ever expected. One that’s worth it.

“Take me home,” Waverly whispered.

So Nicole did.

❧

When they stepped into Waverly’s house, there was no space to think because the second the door was closed, Waverly moved toward Nicole, pushed her against the door, and kissed her hard. Nicole breathed in deeply as her lips met Waverly’s because her heart couldn’t handle it. It was as if Waverly had stolen all of her air, but she didn’t notice. Her focus was on the soft feel of Waverly’s lips.

Waverly’s lips parted, and that was when Nicole completely lost herself in her, drawn in as if Waverly were a hypnotizing snake. Without parting, Nicole led them both to her bedroom. They landed on her bed with a thump, and both women laughed.

Nicole took that moment to move and kiss Waverly’s neck instead. She breathed in Waverly’s coconut scent mixed with the strong scent of laundry detergent from the sheets she’d washed the night before as she ran her tongue across her neck.

Waverly ran her hands through her hair as she did that, moaning and making Nicole’s heart hammer in her chest. Waverly’s hand moved up and down Nicole’s arm slowly and softly, touching her like silk.

Nicole pulled apart, and she met Waverly’s luminous eyes. It brought her back to reality. In this moment, they would only get lost in each other.

They peeled off their clothing one by one, quick like a fast-changing act. When Nicole took in Waverly’s bare body, she wished she could stop time, to be lost in this moment forever.

But that’s how everything ended up feeling anyway—like time had frozen as they were suddenly naked in each other’s arm, as they moaned each other’s names, as they scratched each others backs lightly, as their breaths quickened, and as Waverly gripped the smooth sheet tightly, her knuckles turning white, Nicole still inside her.

Later they lay in between the sheets, lost in each other’s eyes as Nicole rested her head on the edge of one pillow, and Waverly on the edge of the other. They looked into each other’s eyes and caught their breaths. Then, they did it all over again.

❧

Nicole traced Waverly’s face the next morning with the tip of her index finger. She traced along her forehead, to her chin, to the tip of her nose, and Waverly looked at her with a smile warm enough to keep them warm both in the cool morning. Nicole knew that in the back of her mind and deep in her soul was her little army of sadness trying to break through the wall of happiness she felt.

Sometimes it was hard to fight that army. Sometimes no matter how thick and tall the walls of joy were, the army would just bring out their best weapons until they figured out a way to destroy it. But Waverly made it really damn hard to focus on anything other than her. When Nicole was with her, she didn’t even remember that she had a small army of sadness.

Nicole understood though, that at some point, she would have to figure out how to stop giving it control when she _wasn’t_ with Waverly. Waverly was making her happier than she’d been in a very long time, but she also acknowledged that her part in this counted, too. She’d decided to forget her fears, and take a risk. She wasn’t perfect, and she was still afraid, but at least she was trying. Sometimes that was the best thing you could do.

“Last night was incredible,” Waverly whispered.

Nicole bent down and kissed her nose. “It was. It was worth the wait.”

Waverly smiled and nodded. “Too bad we only dressed up for, like, half an hour.”

Nicole laughed, and kissed Waverly’s shoulder. It seemed that she couldn’t keep her lips off of her. Waverly was intoxicating, but eventually she did pull apart.

“We can dress up again any other day,” Nicole shrugged as she sat up. “Do you want some breakfast?”

Waverly said yes, but before she got up, she kissed Nicole and pulled her back down to do what they did in the dark, this time in the morning light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely loved writing that spitball fight scene! What’d you guys think? Any ideas of what’s going to happen next?
> 
> ALSO, don’t worry about when the next chapter will be up because chapter 7 will be up next Wednesday!


	7. The Love We Think We Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI
> 
> My awesome betas, 8Twelve and TheGayestEarp (who also came up with the title of this chapter), worked extra fast this past week, so I’m able to post this a day earlier than I said! Also, thanks to TacosAreTasty33 for reading a part of this over because it was really hard to write, and she totally melted away all my insecurities!
> 
> I was debating posting tomorrow, but I took so long to upload chapter 6, I thought I’d surprise you and make up for it!
> 
> This chapter is shorter that usual and mostly dialogue, but it’s necessary...
> 
> That said, happy reading! :-)

There was something that had been on Nicole’s mind all day. It had been occupying her thoughts the way Disneyland took over a child’s mind after being told she was going the next morning. The thought distracted her to the point where she almost crushed a finger when she was hammering in a nail at work. If she was being completely honest with herself, the thought _bothered_ her.

She was almost as confused as she was vexed, but annoyance had the upper hand. She didn’t want to ask Waverly about it, but she knew that Waverly would know something was off with her the moment she stepped into her house anyway. What was the point of hiding something in plain sight?

Tapping her fingers on the steering wheel as she drove, she thought about the words Waverly said, over and over again like a merry-go-round, until she pulled up to Waverly’s driveway. She turned off her car and got out, the harsh wind nipping at her fingertips with its sharp teeth immediately. Only two more days in this weather and they’d be completely finished with the library, they just needed a few more finishing touches. Nicole looked forward to it as much as she was looking forward to the hot chocolate Waverly said she’d have ready for her when she got to her house.

Nicole got the key from inside the hanging potted plant and made her way inside. The warm heat wrapped around her quickly, and it reminded her of Waverly’s arms. Her heart brightened in her chest when Waverly walked out of the hallway.

“Hey, I missed you,” Waverly said as she wrapped her arms around Nicole before kissing her chastely. “How was work?”

Nicole squeezed her waist and kissed her forehead, “Work was work. Just have tomorrow left, and I’m done until the next job.” Waverly kissed her one more time just as ‘job’ left her lips.

Nicole hummed when Waverly backed away, which made Waverly laugh. “So, what do you do when you’re not working?” Waverly asked as she untangled herself from Nicole to walk to the kitchen.

Nicole followed her and watched her as she heated up the hot chocolate. She ached for the warmth in her chest as Waverly turned on the stove. “Freelance,” Nicole said as she leaned against a wall. “In this neighborhood, actually. Most of the people here are older than seventy, and they’re always calling me up to fix their sinks, or unclog their drains, and what not. I even painted Ms. McCain’s home once. She said she was tired of the light brown and made me paint it yellow.”

“Yellow? Did she like it?” Waverly asked, now serving Nicole the hot cocoa.

Nicole grinned. “She hated it. She made me paint it back to light brown the next morning.”

Waverly laughed and handed Nicole the hot mug. “Say all you want about the people of Purgatory, Nicole, but some of these people need you.”

Nicole smiled warmly at Waverly, but she shook her head. “They’d get along just fine.”

“Don’t say that,” Waverly said right away, her voice sad and what Nicole thought sounded as frustration. “Not like that.”

“Don’t say what how?” Nicole asked, confused at the sudden change in Waverly’s voice.

Waverly grabbed Nicole’s mug out of her hand even though she hadn’t taken a sip, and led her to the couch.

Nicole felt herself becoming a little nervous, “Is everything okay?”

“Do you want to know why I haven’t given up on you?” Waverly asked, making Nicole’s nerves unwillingly submit to confusion the way a person might submit to a cross examination. “Why I’m still here even though you refuse to call me yours?”

Despite the unchanged tone in her voice, Waverly held a sadness in her eyes. Nicole ignored Waverly’s last comment and asked quietly, “Why haven’t you given up on me?” It was a question that had ran through Nicole’s mind before, but she was too afraid to ask it. She thought that if she asked Waverly, she’d think about it for too long only to come to the conclusion that she _didn’t_ know why she hadn’t given up, wouldn’t be able to find a reason to stay, and leave.

“I haven’t given up on you because I think _you’ve_ given up on you,” Waverly said. It sounded as if this was something she’d thought about repeatedly to the point where she’d become confident and unwavering.

Nicole scrunched her eyebrows down dramatically, the space between her eyebrows wrinkled like an old shirt that’s been stuffed in a drawer for too long. “I’ve given up on me? What do you mean?” she asked, already disagreeing before Waverly could say anything.

“That day you told me that you had feelings for me, I saw all of your walls come crumbling down,” Waverly said in a soft voice, her eyes lost in the memory.. “They crumbled down so quickly it took me by surprise as much as your confession did. For a couple moments, all of your feelings were exposed, and I could read your eyes so clearly. I couldn’t look away because I’d never seen you that way.

“So vulnerable, so honest, so _exposed_ ,” Waverly said in such a soft voice it made Nicole want to melt in her hands. “That’s when I saw it.”

“Saw what?” Nicole asked, a laugh leaving her despite her confusion. It was a scared laugh.

“The belief that you aren’t worthy of being loved.”

Nicole stared at Waverly, and then snorted. “What?”

“It’s a look I recognized all too well,” Waverly said, hesitance in her voice now.

Nicole realized it was because she was unsure as to whether or not Nicole wanted to hear what she had to say. It just added on to the million and one things that were fucked up about her. Nicole couldn’t handle anything else; there was only so much she could handle.

“Why do you think I think I’m not worthy of being loved? I never said that. I already told you why I’m so hesitant to go into a relationship. Because of my parents, not because I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved,” Nicole rushed out, trying to prove to Waverly that she was wrong.

“Nicole, it’s fine—”

“Besides, who’s talking about love?” Nicole asked, getting rattled. “Nothing’s official between us, right? So if you could just stop–”

“Hey, okay. Calm down,” Waverly said quickly, grabbing Nicole’s face and stroking her cheek. “You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that.” Nicole knew she was lying. “But just know this.”

“What?” Nicole said, her voice defensive. Her walls were built back up, and she knew Waverly could see it. That didn’t stop Waverly from continuing, though, because Waverly would break her walls down again. That’s what she always did.

“The reason that I wait for you, the reason I fight for you is because I know you’re worthy. But Nicole _you_ need to know that you are. I promised myself that I would never make anyone feel the way Mark made me feel. I had to tell you because you can’t live like this forever.”

“I don’t need you to save me,” Nicole said sharply.

Waverly didn’t back down at Nicole’s bitter words. “I’m not trying to save you. I’m saying you need to save yourself. I can’t live like this forever either, Nicole.”

Tears gathered in Nicole’s eyes and she wasn’t sure why until she remembered that she’d been wanting to talk to Waverly about something before she arrived.

“Can I ask you about something you said when you were telling me about everything that happened with your parents?” Nicole asked, blinking the tears away and changing the subject.

“Nicole—”

“Just, _please_... I need to know.” Nicole looked at Waverly with begging eyes.

Waverly clenched her jaw and gave Nicole a worried look but gave in. “Of course,” Waverly said, as she crossed her legs beneath her, “What’s on your mind?”

“You said this thing yesterday,” Nicole said, sniffling, “and maybe you didn’t really think about it when you said it, but it stuck with me, and I’m just wondering about it.”

“What did I say?” Waverly asked.

“You said that you let go of the things you started to believe because of what you’d gone through with your parents.”

Waverly hummed a _mhm_ , “What about it?”

Nicole spoke slowly, as if trying to pick and choose her words carefully. “Well, it’s just that you make it sound as if it was your fault that you went through all of the things you went through.” When Waverly made no sign of answering, she continued. “But, it wasn’t. It was your parents’ fault. They’re supposed to love you no matter what, and they didn’t. Instead they made you feel like you weren’t worthy of being loved and because of them you ended up being in relationships with people who didn’t treat you right.”

Waverly knew where she was going with this now, why she looked so afraid. Nicole could tell by the forming understanding in her eyes. “You’re right,” Waverly answered. “It isn’t my fault that they reacted the way they did, but all of those bad relationships weren’t their fault, those were mine.”

Nicole bit her lip, conflicted because a part of her understood, but angry because a bigger part disagreed. She gave in to the part that disagreed. “How is that your fault if you felt that way because of what _they_ said?” Nicole asked.

“I’m not blaming myself,” Waverly said. Nicole could tell that she too was immersed in what they were talking about now. “I’m taking responsibility. There’s a difference.”

That stopped Nicole in her tracks. “What? No, there’s not.”

“Yes there is. I’m—”

“You’re defending them!” Nicole said suddenly, feeling something heavy growing in her stomach, something she was accustomed to. Fury. “After all they did to you, how can you do that?” Deep inside, Nicole knew that what she was saying was irrational, but Waverly had struck a cord, and like always, she spoke without thinking when she was with Waverly. Be it good things or bad.

“I’m not defending them,” Waverly said emphasizing each word, but trying to keep her voice calm. “I’m not saying that what they did wasn’t the shittiest thing a parent could ever do, but that’s on _them_.”

“Yeah, it is, but it affected _you_ , and you’re letting it slide!” Nicole said.

“I’m not letting it slide, Nicole! After they kicked me out of my own home, I felt like my life was ruined. I was _devastated_ , so don’t tell me that I’m excusing their behavior!” Waverly yelled, shocking Nicole to the point of no reply. When Nicole didn’t say anything, Waverly paused, took a deep breath, and continued with a quieter voice, but just as strong.

“I’m not excusing what they did, but while I can blame them for what they did, it was _my_ responsibility to make myself better.”

“It’s not your responsibility, though!” Nicole said, making sure to not scream at Waverly so she could understand. “They fucked it up, they fix it. They’re supposed to show up and make you feel better, be parents again.”

“That sounds lovely, Nicole, but that’s not going to happen! You think I haven’t gone back to them? More than once? The last time they simply _refused_ to see me. They didn’t even open their door to tell me to leave.” Waverly’s voice cracked, but she didn’t stop. “I can’t change their minds, and if I spend my life fighting them, I’m not going to have any energy left. But I can change _me_. It took me years to realize the deeper effect they’d had on me, but once I did, I put my pride aside and realized that these last few years were my fault.

“It’s _their_ fault that they said what they said, but it was my responsibility to change my life after that realization. Every decision I was making was because of the shit they’d done, every belief I had about myself was because of them, but I let it affect me because of _me_. I’m not saying I forgave them, I’m saying I chose to let it go.”

“But that’s bullshit,” Nicole said weakly. And it was. It _was_ bullshit. But what if Waverly had a point?

Deep down, a part of Nicole agreed with Waverly, already knew she had a point. It was what led her to ask about it, but the fear in her was bigger because if Waverly was right, what did that mean for her?

“Yeah, well, as shitty as it sounds,” Waverly continued,“if I hadn’t done that, I would still be putting the blame on them, and I would’ve never moved on. It sucked sometimes and it was scary, but if I hadn’t, I would’ve stayed with Mark. I would’ve never fallen in love with _me_. And if I’m being goddamn honest I would’ve never found you, Nicole! And you make every single bad thing in my life worth it because everything led me to you. It’s not because of them that I found you, Nicole, it’s because of _me_.”

Nicole stared at Waverly with with eyes that looked like the ocean—too much water, too much overwhelm. She blinked and a drop of the ocean rolled down her cheek until more and more spilled down so fast that if they were bigger, they’d both be sure to drown.

Waverly whispered one more thing. “We’re all unafraid to take responsibility for the good things in our life, but no one’s willing to take responsibility for the bad, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made.”

“No,” Nicole shook her head. You _don’t think you’re worthy of love,_ came springing to mind. “You can’t be right.”

“Why not?” Waverly asked. “Why can’t I be right?” Nicole knew Waverly knew the answer to her own question, but she would try to probe it out of her.

Nicole stared Waverly in the eyes and didn’t say anything. Instead, she shook her head. “No. You’re not right. You’re lying.”

“No, Nicole, I’m not—”

“I’m gonna go,” Nicole said, standing up.

“What? No, Nicole, you can’t just run when things get hard!” Waverly said, her voice filled with hurt

Nicole ignored her and walked to the door. She stopped in her tracks when she felt a hand grip her wrist.

“Don’t leave,” Waverly whispered with begging eyes.

Nicole’s heart was beating in her ears, and she needed air. She needed space. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and she walked out.

Outside of Waverly’s home, she looked at her car. She wanted to go, run away like she always did. It always felt good to get away from something, to push the feelings aside for a while. It was definitely easier than dealing with them. Feelings were always messy. Why hadn’t she listened to herself in the first place? Why did she talk to Waverly in the first place?

The idea of leaving seemed inviting, and it was calling to her, so she let it lead her. She didn’t fight it or hesitate to walk to her car. She got in, and she drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t hate me, please?
> 
> Chapter 8 will be up next Tuesday or Wednesday! Sorry for the cliffhanger...


	8. Every Step Counts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> I wanted to say thanks to all of you who take the time to leave kudos and comment because it really does mean so so much. I’m so grateful to you, and to all the people who just come to read this super angsty story!
> 
> Thanks, as always, to my betas, but also AGAIN to @TacosAreTasty33 for reading this over. I owe her, like 5 favors. If you’re not reading her fic, Forged in Fire, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?!
> 
> ALSO, thanks to @TeachEarp_ on Twitter for accepting a strangers DM asking her if she could tell me why she became a teacher!! 
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole parked beside the curb. The guilt of leaving Waverly hit her fast and sudden like a bolt of lightning that struck her chest and made it burn. It gnawed at her the way the cold had almost three weeks ago in the bathroom.

All of her difficult emotions always pointed back to Waverly. If Waverly hadn’t brought up the conversation, then Nicole wouldn’t have left her. This was _her_ fault. It could’ve all been avoided if Waverly hadn’t assumed anything, if she hadn’t said anything, if she _... If she what?_ Nicole thought, daring herself to think about it. _If she hadn’t opened up to you? If she hadn’t let you in on her past and trusted you?_

Nicole sighed as she lay her head on the steering wheel. _That’s ridiculous. This wasn’t Waverly’s fault. It was mine._ She couldn’t talk it out with Waverly because she always gave into her fears. Waverly told her to stay, but she was the one who’d chosen to go.

Difficult feelings were like police sirens for her. When she felt them, she had to get out of the way, the way you’d pull over to the curb when you heard sirens behind you. She didn’t dare touch her feelings or interact with them. That was what she always did. It was what she’d gotten used to.

But things were different now, weren’t they? She wasn’t the girl she was that night in the frosted bathroom.

Yes, things were different, but she hadn’t actually dealt with anything head on. She had just pushed down every fear she had, so deep so that she wouldn’t have to see it again. Instead of running away from her pain and getting lost in sex, she’d ran from her pain and got lost in Waverly. Waverly, who deserved better than her.

Waverly, who was now a part of Nicole’s life and was affected by the choices she made. It wasn’t just about her anymore, it was about Waverly, too. She couldn’t just drive away when things got tough because now she would hurt two people. It was her fault. It was _all_ her fault.

 _Which is the reason I had tears in my eyes,_ Nicole thought _, because everything is my fault, and I already knew it._ Nicole got out of the car, shaking her head at herself, and walked inside.

She stood by the front of the door and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Waverly, who was sitting on one of the stools in front of the bay window, and who had a perfect sight of Nicole, stared in complete shock through tear-filled eyes.

“You’re back,” Waverly said.

“I drove around a couple blocks,” Nicole said, still standing by the door and forcing herself to maintain eye contact. “I was really tempted to go home.”

“What made you change your mind?” Waverly asked, blinking away her tears.

“I think you know the answer to that,” Nicole said with a sad smile. “I can’t keep running, especially when you want to be here for me. I can see that, I can _feel_ that. I should talk to you, not drive away to forget everything.”

Waverly shook her head slowly, “No, you shouldn’t.” She didn’t say anything, and instead let Nicole’s words linger in the air. “Come here,” she said eventually as she stood up. “I’ll forgive you once you wrap me in those arms of yours.”

Nicole laughed and sobbed at the same time as she walked up to Waverly. When she dug her face deep into Waverly’s neck, she cried hard, letting out years worth of pain, fear, and shame. She let out sobs that had been trapped in her throat for years, and they all rushed out loud and angry like a thunderstorm. _I’m sorry_ , she repeated.

Nicole didn’t know how or when Waverly had led them both to the couch and sat down, but as her sobs turned into soft cries and finally into a few sniffles, she felt exhausted. Her eyes were heavy, and she just wanted to sleep. When she removed her head from Waverly and met her eyes, Nicole found that she didn’t feel any shame. There were no words wanting to rush out apologizing or admit how embarrassing that was. In fact, her chest felt lighter than it had in years.

“I’m scared,” Nicole whispered, holding Waverly’s cheeks tightly. “I’m scared and I’m _tired_.”

“Lucky for you, you can fix both of those things,” Waverly said, wiping her cheeks free of any tear tracks. “And you don’t have to do anything alone.”

Waverly laid down and brought Nicole on top of her so that Nicole was resting on her chest. Nicole slid one hand under Waverly’s shirt for comfort and felt her shiver beneath her at the sudden coolness. Nicole closed her eyes and fell asleep.

❧

Nicole woke up to warm breath tickling the back of her neck. She opened her eyes to find that the living room was dark like the sky outside. Waverly’s home was silent, and outside, you couldn’t even hear the chirp of a bird. She felt completely at peace. She knew from that calm feeling in her chest that it wasn’t the middle of the night, but rather early in the morning. She wasn’t sure how, but she could just tell. Waverly’s leg was in between hers, and her arm was thrown across Nicole’s waist loosely.

She was still in her t-shirt from work, but she assumed Waverly had changed her pants sometime last night to a pair of sweatpants she’d left here. How she didn’t wake up was beyond her considering she was a light sleeper, but she guessed she really _had_ been exhausted last night.

Thinking about last night, a heavy sigh left her. She just needed to talk it all out, let her thoughts out because she could already feel them growing in her mind, jumbling together into one big mess that’d be hard to untangle.

“Are you okay?” Waverly asked behind her.

Nicole, who thought Waverly was sleeping, jumped a little, and made Waverly laugh.

“Sorry,” Waverly whispered, to which Nicole laughed too. She turned around in Waverly’s arms, and ended up with her nose about an inch away from Waverly’s.

“I thought you were asleep,” Nicole said, bringing one hand up to push some of Waverly’s messy hair behind her ear.

“I’ve been awake for a good ten minutes. I hope you don’t mind, but I changed your pants last night. The ones you were wearing looked uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine,” Nicole shrugged, kissing Waverly’s nose. Nicole got confused when Waverly looked surprised. “Are you still tired?”

“No. I mean, we fell asleep at, like, seven last night. Do you know what time it is?”

“I don’t know. Probably five or five-thirty, but I’m not tired either.”

“Do you want some of last night’s hot chocolate? I didn’t even let you drink some,” Waverly laughed.

“Waves, about last night—”

“Don’t,” Waverly said. “Yesterday was... a long day, and it’s early. We don’t have to talk about it right now. I mean, unless you really want to?”

“I don’t, actually. Not right now, I mean, but soon. I like your plan better since you _did_ steal my hot chocolate.”

Waverly laughed and apologized again. “Can I kiss you?” she asked hesitantly, as if she thought she’d ruined something between them. That’s why she’d been surprised Nicole kissed her nose so freely.

Instead of replying, Nicole scooted closer to Waverly until their lips were touching without kissing. Slowly, she took Waverly’s upper lip in between hers and kissed her slowly and softly. Waverly kissed her back with the same amount of delicacy; it felt like a shy first kiss between two thirteen-year-olds.

“We’re okay,” Nicole said when she pulled apart, automatically missing the warmth. “I’ve got a lot of shit to figure out, but you’re the only constant thing in my life right now, and I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not losing me,” Waverly said, touching Nicole’s cheek softly. “You _won’t_.”

“Do you promise?” Nicole asked, but then she turned around and got up because that was an unfair question. If Waverly left, it wouldn’t be because she wanted to, it would be because she couldn’t wait around for Nicole. If Nicole kept running away, Waverly couldn’t spend her life chasing her. She’d end up worn out, tired, and hurt. If it wasn’t with her parents, it’d be with her, and you can’t do something like that to someone. It wasn’t the type of promise Waverly could make.

Waverly stood up, and before Nicole could walk to the kitchen, she grabbed Nicole’s wrist and pulled her to her. Nicole was barely turning around when Waverly wrapped her arms around her neck tightly.

“I promise to always be here for you,” Waverly whispered. She didn’t have to say the rest of the words for Nicole to understand, _whether I’m here for you as your partner or as a friend, I’m here for you_.

Nicole squeezed her waist, and let go. “Let’s warm up that hot chocolate.”

Waverly smiled and nodded. “Whipped cream or no whipped cream?”

Nicole gave her a faux shocked look. “Whipped cream, Waves. The answer is _always_ whipped cream.”

“Oh really?” Waverly asked as she turned on the stove. “What’s two plus two?”

“Whipped cream,” Nicole said without missing a beat. Waverly laughed, and Nicole realized that she wanted to hear that laugh for as long as she could.

❧

Nicole laid alone on her bed. After breakfast with Waverly, she told her that she wanted to be alone to think. She had to process what had happened and figure out what her next steps would be. _Steps_ , Nicole thought with a scoff. _As if it were as easy as that._ Waverly had nodded in understanding, and told her to call her if she needed anything.

Nicole always thought she was the type of person who was self-aware. She knew herself deeply because she was alone a lot of the time. She thought she knew why she didn’t like relationships, why she didn’t do feelings, why she was afraid of love. _It was because of my parents, it was them_ , she always said. At least, that’s what she thought.

But now, it turned out that she didn’t know herself at all. Blaming her parents, that was just deflecting. She hadn’t known she was doing that, but she had. Maybe in the beginning her parents had something to do with who she had become, but the part they’d played was small. She wasn’t in the beginning anymore.

Everything else, everything was because of Nicole herself. These things were her fault. Turned out she wasn’t afraid of becoming her mom anymore, now she was afraid of something deeper. How was she supposed to fix it?

Nicole let out a groan and turned to lay on her stomach. She was tempted, _so tempted_ , to just up and leave. Her last day of work was tomorrow, and then she’d be done. She could leave Purgatory. _I’ve obviously overstayed my welcome,_ Nicole thought with a dry chuckle. _But let’s face it, I would never leave._

She wouldn’t do that to Waverly, and she wouldn’t do that to herself because she didn’t know what she would do if she lost Waverly. Waverly meant so much to her. Despite everything, it was easy with her. She was happy, and she had fun with her, and it was just so fucking _great_. She really did like her, and it’d break her heart if she didn’t see her again.

And yet. She didn’t think she deserved her—no—she _knew_ she didn’t deserve her. Nicole had slept around for years, never getting serious, and breaking so many hearts along the way. Purgatory was right, she was just a cold-hearted slut.

She didn’t deserve anyone, let alone Waverly. Because Waverly was right, she was unworthy of love.

 _Fuck this,_ Nicole thought. She wasn’t going to lay here crying over all her problems. That wasn’t who she was.

No. She was going to go to work, and then she was going to get drunk.

❧

Nicole stepped into Shorty’s, and put her hands on her waist, taking everyone in. _My power pose_ , Nicole thought with a small smile. She dropped that smile and replaced it with a grin, one she made sure not to force too much. “Hayley!” Nicole said as she walked toward her with the confidence she used to walk in with. It felt like a facade now. Although maybe it always was.

“What’s up, Haught?” Hayley said from behind the bar. “What you doing here on Tuesday night? You haven’t been in here on a Tuesday in a while.”

“Thought I’d change things up a bit,” Nicole said, shrugging as she sat down.

Hayley nodded. “Where’s Waverly?” she asked as she leaned on the bar with her palms.

“I don’t know,” Nicole said honestly. “We were together this morning, but I haven’t talked to her. I think she told me she had a meeting with the principal over at the school today, though.”

“And you didn’t ask her how it went?” Hayley asked, a perfectly (and slightly intimidating) raised eyebrow.

“I was busy,” Nicole said, her tone defensive.

Nicole knew Hayley wanted to say more, but she closed her mouth. “Alright, what do you want to drink?”

“Just beer for now,” Nicole said as she sat down on the stool, thankful that Hayley changed the topic. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Waverly, she just wanted to be alone. You don’t have to spend every minute with the person you’re in a... _whatever_ with, right? She wanted to drink alone.

So she did. Almost the entire night. She took peppermint shots with people she didn’t like and people who didn’t like her, she chugged her beer when _Brown Eyed Girl_ came on, and she ignored the look of worry on Hayley’s face when women went up to her and flirt. Mostly she ignored the sting that came along with that look because Hayley didn’t trust her, she probably didn’t think she could change. But no matter how drunk Nicole got, she never flirted back, never even gave out a single compliment. She didn’t _want_ to flirt.

Why would she want to flirt when she had Waverly? _The most perfect person in the entire world ever ever,_ Nicole thought. She could just see her perfect face, and cute nose, and the new bangs she’d gotten a week ago by the entrance of Shorty’s. Standing there like the _perfect_ girl she was. She was a little blurry though, which Nicole found extremely strange. _Does my mind need glasses?_

Nicole blinked, and she realized Waverly really _was_ there. Nicole grinned an all teeth, genuine smile.

“Waves?” Nicole slurred as she walked to Waverly. “What you doin’ here?”

“Hayley called me to get you,” Waverly said, leaning all her weight on her right leg. “Said you’re drunk out of your mind.”

“I am not drunk out of my mind!” Nicole said. “I think I still have my mind, I think.”

“You said ‘I think’ twice,” Waverly said, grabbing Nicole’s hand and leading her to the bar. “Can I get some water?” Waverly asked Hayley, to which she nodded.

Nicole looked at her face with appreciation. “You are so pretty, and I like you so much!”

Waverly rolled her eyes but a smile appeared on her face anyway. When Nicole almost stumbled out of the stool, Waverly’s smile disappeared, and she sighed. “Why are you drunk on a Tuesday night?”

Before Nicole could say anything, Hayley handed Waverly a cup of water, who in turn handed it to Nicole. Nicole drank it greedily in one gulp.

When she finished the water, she looked into the empty cup, and her eyebrows furrowed. She looked at Waverly and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t offer you any.”

Waverly shook her head and muttered to herself, “God, it’s really hard to be mad at you right now.”

“You’re mad at me?” Nicole asked. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Her words were still slurred, but she sounded as though _she_ was hurt for hurting Waverly.

Waverly bit her lip, and in a low voice she said, “I know you didn’t, babe. Come on, let’s get you home.” Waverly and Hayley said goodbye, and Hayley told Nicole she didn’t want to see her for the rest of the week.

Waverly wrapped her arm around Nicole’s waist and led her to her car. Nicole’s car wasn’t there because she always took a cab when she knew she wanted to get drunk.

“What are you thinking?” Nicole asked after Waverly got into the driver’s seat.

Waverly looked over at Nicole. “I’m thinking about why you came to get drunk.”

“I’m tired,” Nicole said.

“I know, we’ll just talk tomorrow. When you’re sober.”

“No, I’m _tired_ ,” Nicole, said looking at Waverly. “Why am I broken? I’m so tired of picking up the pieces.”

“Are you a poetic drunk?” Waverly said, turning her body fully around, a teasing smile on her face. She picked up Nicole’s hand. “You’re not broken, Nicole.”

“Yes, I am!” Nicole said, frustrated. “I broke myself. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any good.” Nicole could see Waverly’s eyes fill with tears, and she turned down.

Waverly didn’t say anything back. “Let’s take you home.” Nicole fell asleep with her head on the window thirty seconds into the drive home.

❧

Nicole woke up to a blaring alarm at seven in the morning. “Goddamnit,” she said with a hand over her heart. “Stupid fucking alarm.” She turned toward her night stand to turn off her phone alarm, but didn’t find it there.

“What the hell?” Nicole said to herself. She took a second to listen to where the alarm was coming from and realized that it sounded muffled. With her eyebrows furrowed, she lifted her blankets up to find the phone underneath one of them. _Wait_ , Nicole thought, pausing as she turned off her alarm. _How the hell did I get here?_

As if reading her mind, Waverly walked in wearing Nicole’s sweatpants, which were folded a couple times so she wouldn’t step on them, and a t-shirt.

“‘Morning,” Waverly said hesitantly.

“Uh—morning,” Nicole answered, giving her a look of curiosity. “What are you doing here?” All it took was that question to remember everything that happened last night—leaving work and going to the bar, drinking a lot with people she hated, and something about Waverly being perfect? Thankfully, Nicole was never the type of person who got hangovers—it was something all of her college friends had envied her for. “Never mind,” Nicole said with an ashamed smile. Though, she wasn’t really sure what she was ashamed of.

“You were really drunk last night,” Waverly said, sitting on the edge of the bed. Nicole wasn’t sure why, but the air felt thick and awkward. Did she do something she wasn’t supposed to?

 _No, I wouldn’t_ , Nicole thought. Remembering that Waverly had spoken, Nicole bit her lip and nodded. She didn’t know what else to say until she remembered why her alarm had rang. “I have to get into the shower. I got work.”

“Yeah, of course,” Waverly said. “I’ll make you a quick breakfast if you want?”

“I usually just eat cereal,” Nicole shrugged as she got up from bed.

“Okay, I’ll make you breakfast, then,” Waverly said, nodding to herself, and already getting up to leave.

Despite the awkwardness in the room, Nicole laughed. “Okay. And Waves?”

Waverly turned around.

“Thank you for picking me up yesterday and for bringing me home. I appreciate it.”

Waverly gave her a soft smile and left. Nicole threw herself back to her bed with a sigh before forcing herself to get back up and into the shower.

When Nicole walked out of her room, ready and dressed for her last day of work, she smelled freshly made coffee, bacon, and eggs.

“That smells amazing,” Nicole said as she leaned against the entrance of the kitchen.

“Thanks,” Waverly said, turning around and handing her a cup of coffee.

Nicole smiled in appreciation. After a beat, she asked, “Waves, are you mad at me?” She didn’t want to beat around the bush. If Waverly was mad at her, she’d rather know right away because she was really starting to despise the heavy tension between them.

“No,” Waverly said right away.

“Then what’s wrong?” Nicole asked with a frown.

“I’m just—” Waverly paused and took a deep breath. “I’m disappointed.”

“Why? Cause I got drunk?” Nicole asked incredulously. “Since when do you have a problem with drinking?”

“No, it’s not cause you got drunk,” Waverly said. “It’s _why_ you got drunk. You said you wouldn’t run away.”

“I didn’t run away,” Nicole said, putting her mug down. “I’m still here, aren’t I? I just went to Shorty’s.” She didn’t know what the problem was. There was no reason behind drinking, she just wanted to get drunk because she could. Was there something wrong with that? _No, there isn’t_ , Nicole thought, _but you’re lying to yourself._

“It’s the same damn thing!” Waverly said. “You found a way to escape without leaving.”

Nicole opened to mouth to say something—to yell something—but then she snapped it close again. She stared at Waverly, before muttering _Goddamnit_ under her breath. “You’re right. You’re absolutely fucking right,” Nicole said. She turned and slammed her palm against a wall.

“Don’t do that,” Waverly said, hurrying to Nicole’s side and grabbing her palm.

“What’s wrong with me, Waverly? Am I such a fucking coward that I just escape from everything when things get hard?” Nicole asked, her eyes confused and desperate as she searched Waverly’s eyes for an answer.

“You’re not a coward,” Waverly said, kissing Nicole’s hand and then letting it go to caress her cheek. “This isn’t something that you can cross off a to-do list. There are no steps involved.”

“ _Then how do I fix it_? Can I even fix it, Waves?”

“You fix it by accepting that you’re responsible for how you react to the things around you every single day. You fix it by waking up every day to try again, by taking care of yourself. You stop beating yourself up.”

“I don’t know how to do any of that...” Nicole whispered.

“Yes, you do,” Waverly said, tiptoeing to kiss Nicole softly. “You’re capable of doing all of this, Nicole.”

“But—”

“No ‘buts’,” Waverly said. “You have to get to work, and you’re not going without breakfast.”

Nicole nodded. It didn’t matter how lost Nicole felt, Waverly could calm her down with a single look. Just a touch of reassurance from her could calm her erratic heart. “Can you be here when I get back from work tonight?” Nicole asked.

“You want me to be?” Waverly asked with a smile as she put eggs on two plates.

“Yeah,” Nicole nodded before remembering something that she knew would be important. “Hey, how did your meeting with the principal go yesterday?”

Waverly turned around and her eyes lit up at the mention of the meeting. Nicole made a mental note to ask her about school as often as she could.

“It went great! Mary, the teacher I’ll be taking the place of, is going to be out on Monday and Tuesday next week,”—Waverly moved the plates to the table—“so she was wondering if I wanted to substitute! That way I’d get a feel of the class, make the kids like me and what not.”

Nicole, who had sat down on the table as Waverly spoke, dug into her pancakes and said, “You won’t have any trouble there, you’re hard not to like,” Nicole winked. “But really, you’re gonna be great.” She could see Waverly’s eyes crinkle the way they did when she smiled, behind her mug.

“Thanks,” Waverly said. “I really miss teaching.”

“I never asked. Why’d you become a teacher?” Nicole asked before taking a sip of her own coffee. It was exactly what she needed to wake up.

“I wanted, or rather, _want_ to make a difference,” Waverly said, her excitement and passion bright in her eyes and pouring out of her words. “Kids are easily thrown into whatever their parents or family believes, and I wanted them all to have one positive influence if they didn’t have that in their lives already.

“I don’t want education to be boring for them, you know? I wanted to foster their curiosity, and give them an opportunity to see a subject in a new light, in a way that changes their attitude toward whatever we’re learning. Plus, when they finally capture something, realize they understand— _God_ ,” Waverly sighed, “there’s nothing more fulfilling.”

Nicole shook her head in amazement. She had no idea Waverly was so passionate about teaching, and it made her like Waverly even more. “You are utterly amazing, Waverly Earp.”

Waverly looked at her then with a look she didn’t recognize. It was warm, bright, and unbelieving. It made a ball of warmth appear at the pit of her stomach and butterflies to gather, as if they were mosquitoes attracted to the light.

Waverly opened her mouth to respond, but before she could, Nicole interrupted.

Nicole looked at the clock, and her eyes widened. “Shit, I have to go or I’m going to be late.” She got up right away and put her dishes in the sink before going to get her keys. She walked to Waverly and pecked her lips quickly, “Thanks for the food, Waves,” she said with a smile before running to the closet beside the door to get her jacket. She stood by the door, rushing to put on her jacket, but as she did so, she looked at Waverly, who was now in front of the sink, ready to wash the dishes.

She looked effortlessly beautiful next to the window with the sun shining down on her hair, making it look two tones lighter than it really was. She looked warm and comfortable, and Nicole just wanted to fall asleep on her chest. _I can’t believe the way this girl makes me feel_ , Nicole thought.

She didn’t have time, but she didn’t care. She walked back to the kitchen, and wrapped her arms around Waverly’s waist, and as if she’d been expecting it, Waverly threw her head back to lay against her shoulder immediately.

“Thank you for everything,” Nicole whispered, learning her head against Waverly’s forehead. “For being here, for being patient. You changed my life.” She turned to kissed Waverly’s forehead, and held her lips there for a moment.

“You changed mine too, and even if you don’t believe it, you changed it for the better. I l—” she cleared her throat, “I’ll be here you for as long as you want me, and I’ll be here even if you don’t.”

“I’m trying,” Nicole whispered. “I’m going to win. I don’t know how, but I will.”

Waverly turned around in her arms and kissed her. She kissed her passionately and hugged her neck tight as she did so. The kiss slowed and Waverly ended it with a peck.

“You better get to work before you get fired,” Waverly said, moving Nicole’s hair behind her ear.

“It’s my last day,” Nicole laughed.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t get fired,” Waverly said. She kissed her one more time before pushing her toward the door.

❧

Nicole stepped into a dark house later that night, but right away she saw the candles that stood all around on the shelves, by the t.v., and any safe spot Waverly could find. The curtain was closed to hide away the light of the sun that was to set soon. Waverly was seated in front of the coffee table where there was a single candle in the middle, two plates filled with food, and two glasses of wine.

“Waves,” Nicole said, half gasping as she stopped behind the couch. “What is all this?”

“It’s a celebration,” Waverly said, standing up and walking to Nicole.

“A celebration of what?” Nicole asked as she looked away from the room and into Waverly’s eyes.

Waverly grabbed Nicole’s hands, and held them in between the two of them. “Of you.”

“Of me?” Nicole scoffed. “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.”

Waverly smiled, “And that right there is why we’re celebrating.”

Nicole raised an eyebrow. “Am I missing something?”

“Yeah,” Waverly said with a soft laugh. “You’re missing a lot.”

“Enlighten me as I take a sip of that wine?” Nicole asked. Waverly nodded and smiled as they walked to the coffee table. Waverly sat at the head of the table, and Nicole sat at the side of the table right beside her. She grabbed her glass and took a sip of her wine. Waverly did the same. “Okay, I’m emotionally ready now,” Nicole said.

Waverly rolled her eyes. “Who said you had to be emotionally ready for anything?”

Nicole shrugged. “I just know I have to be.”

“Well, you’re wrong... as always,” Waverly muttered that last part as she looked away.

Nicole raised her eyebrow again. “Oh, really? I happen to disagree. I think I always win,” she said as she tried to contain a smile.

“So competitive,” Waverly said, getting close to Nicole’s face.

“So cocky,” Nicole said, bringing their lips close to together for a kiss. Waverly, however, pulled back.

“You’re such a tease,” Nicole said, settling back.

Waverly winked, but her teasing face turned into something more serious as she looked at Nicole. She gave Nicole a small smile, and spoke. “Nicole you’ve come so far since I first met you. You wouldn’t even admit you had feelings for me in the beginning,” Waverly said with a laugh. “You broke that barrier. Then you broke another, you agreed to a date. Then you broke _another_ , you admitted that you weren’t seeing other people.”

Nicole tilted her head, and tried to figure out if Waverly was serious. She was. “Those aren’t things to be celebrated,” Nicole finally said. “It took me a long time to admit those feelings. It took a lot out of me. I agreed to go on a date with you and then told you not to expect anything. And that last thing? I didn’t admit anything, that was you. I didn’t say a word.”

“No, but I could see it in your eyes,” Waverly said. “But that’s the not point. The point is that you did all those things even though you were afraid. You had all of these voices screaming at you not to do them, but you did them anyway.”

Nicole thought about the words for a moment. “I guess I hadn’t thought about it that way,” she admitted in a low voice.

“That’s why we’re celebrating tonight,” Waverly smiled, grabbing Nicole’s hand. “You haven’t acknowledged how far you’ve come. You beat yourself up any chance you get, but Nicole, if you got this far who says you can’t get farther? You didn’t come this far to only go this far, did you?”

“No, I guess I didn’t,” she said, replaying the words in her mind.

“You treat yourself like crap.” Nicole smiled at Waverly’s bluntness. “You don’t give yourself credit for anything. You still think you’re stuck on square one, but every little step that you’ve taken counts.”

“The other day, I ran. I got into my car and I left,” Nicole pointed out.

“You came back,” Waverly said with more force.

“I got drunk. I escaped, just like you said.”

“But you didn’t leave. You chose to stay... and that was a realization _I_ had to make too,” Waverly said. “These things take time. You can’t expect everything to be good now just because you made one good decision. You know what you’re capable of now, and you can do it again, but you’re still going to make mistakes. _A lot_ of mistakes. You didn’t escape on purpose, it was just like falling into a bad habit. It’s what you know.

“We’ve all self-sabotaged unknowingly. We’ve all hurt ourselves by accident, and hurt others, and created messes. But you beat yourself up too much for it. You’re human, you’re not perfect. You’re allowed to make mistakes and fuck up every single day.

“You forget to celebrate your wins, Nicole. I see you right now, and your eyes are filled with anger. You’re so mad at yourself, but don’t you see?”

“See what?” Nicole asked with confusion.

“That’s a win.”

“What’s a win? That I’m angry at myself?” She was _really_ confused now.

“No,” Waverly laughed. “That I can tell that you’re mad at yourself. Just last month, I couldn’t even tell when you were happy. I couldn’t read you, but now your walls are down. You’re showing your emotions, you’re becoming more vulnerable. Did you ever think you’d be here right now?”

“No,” Nicole said honestly. “It was so easy to build up my walls and keep them up that I didn’t even consider what it would be like to open up. What was the point?”

“But how do you feel now?”

“Liberated,” Nicole said without having to think about it. “Free, happy even. Despite everything, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. But even if I take a second to feel proud of myself, I still can’t take out all the shit I’ve done out of my mind. I’m only liberated in one part of my life, but what about the rest?” She paused. “Do you know why it scares me so much to take responsibility? To stop putting the blame on my parents?”

“Why?” Waverly asked.

“Because every bad thing that has happened is my fault, and that fucking hurts, but what’s worse is that that means that I hurt you because of _me_. And Waves, I never meant to hurt you,” Nicole said, running her thumb over Waverly’s lips.

“You can’t blame yourself like that,” Waverly said, taking Nicole’s hand and squeezing it. “The point is to take responsibility, not to hate yourself.”

“But I do,” Nicole said. “I do hate myself. I made myself believe that I’m unworthy of love. I’m scared to call you mine because I don’t think I’m worthy of you. That belief, it came from me. I made that. Why would I do that? Hurt myself like that?”

“You didn’t mean to,” Waverly said in a strong tone. “We all hurt ourselves without knowing it, and we have to accept it because blaming others will do nothing. But we can’t blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for it. We just have to make ourselves better.”

“Everything bad I did, all those hearts I broke to protect mine... I didn’t think it would affect me, but it did. How can I forgive myself for that?”

“You just do, baby,” Waverly said, grabbing Nicole’s face with both hands and looking her in the eyes. “You’re sorry for everything you’ve done. You’re a good person. I know it even if you don’t.”

“But—”

“No buts,” Waverly said finally. She was done with Nicole treating herself this way. Not because she was tired of it but because it hurt her, knowing that she hated herself this way. “Say it.”

“I can’t. It’s not true,” Nicole said.

“Eventually it will be,” Waverly said with a confident voice.

“How do you know?”

“Because _I_ did. I forgave myself for putting myself in bad relationships, for hurting myself like that.”

“But how?”

“I don’t know,” Waverly admitted. “But with time, I became more compassionate toward myself. I let go of fault, and took responsibility. Beating myself up wasn’t doing anything for me so I tried forgiveness. If you practice something enough, eventually you get good at it. Forgiveness works the same way. You can keep beating yourself over for all the shit you’ve done, or you can start forgiving yourself now. And you can continue to do so whenever you choose.”

“What happens when I forgive myself?”

“You allow yourself to feel free.”

“I want to feel free,” Nicole whispered with a desperate need in her voice.

“Then say it,” Waverly said.

Nicole whispered it so low Waverly could barely hear it. But like she said, every little step counts.

“ _I forgive myself_.”

She didn’t forgive herself right then and there, and she wouldn’t forgive herself tomorrow. But in a few days she will make a mistake, and it will hurt the both of them. But Waverly will echo in her mind, and she won’t beat herself up the way she used to.

Every little step counts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get that through your pretty little minds: EVERY LITTLE STEP COUNTS.
> 
> Thanks for reading! What’d you think?
> 
> I think they’re cute. I wanted a gf as supportive as Waves, though!! 
> 
> I can’t promise chapter 9 for next week, but we’ll see what happens!


	9. Warm. Bright. Unbelieving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just remember: this is meant to be a very angsty fic...
> 
> Thank you, as always, to my really awesome beta for, well, being really awesome. And thank YOU guys for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. I can’t express how thankful I am for you.
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole sat on one end of the couch with her legs extended across it so that her sock-covered feet rested against Waverly’s knee, who was seated Indian style on the other end, and let out a groan to disguise a laugh.

“You think I can’t see you trying to hide a smile?” Waverly asked. She smiled, and her eyes crinkled at the edges in the way Nicole loved. “Stop hiding it! You have to admit these are fantastic.”

“No, they’re not,” Nicole said, forcing her face to remain serious. She wasn’t doing a great job.

“Yes, they are! Just listen to this one,” Waverly said. She looked at her phone for a moment, and then looked at Nicole with a very serious expression. “They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well apparently, no one has ever stood next to you.”

“Oh my God,” Nicole said as she laughed, unable to hold it back anymore. “People actually say these things? Like, as a serious way to start a conversation?”

Waverly shrugged. “It makes for a good laugh, though,” she said, admiring Nicole’s smile. She took the chance to say the one she’d seen earlier but saved for the right moment. “Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?”

Nicole, despite herself (and knowing that Waverly had just read that off her phone), blushed. “Okay, that’s a good one.”

Waverly moved and laid herself on top of Nicole. “I’m serious,” Waverly said. “Your smile is breathtaking.” She pecked Nicole’s lips quickly.

“Thanks,” Nicole said, her smile growing.

“Okay, one more,” Waverly said as she adjusted herself on Nicole. “Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?“

Nicole rolled her eyes, but without hesitation, she leaned forward to capture Waverly’s lips in hers slowly. Every kiss made her chest feel light with ecstasy and heavy with longing at the same time.

“That was unfair cause you knew I’d kiss you,” Nicole said when she pulled apart for air.

Waverly winked and got off of Nicole before standing up and looking at her phone. When her eyes brightened, Nicole knew another cheesy pick-up line was coming.

“I have to read this one cause it’s fitting!” Waverly said.

“Just go,” Nicole said with the wave of a hand.

“Girl, you must be a library book, because I can't stop checking you out.” Waverly ran her eyes up and down Nicole’s body slowly.

“I’m literally wearing an old t-shirt and sweatpants,” Nicole said, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh please,” Waverly said. “You’re gorgeous whether you’re dressed up in a dress and high heels, or in your sweaty work clothes, and when you wake up with clothes like this and have eye boogers in the corner of your eyes.”

Nicole grinned, and then asked, “Do I really have eye boogers?”

“Yeah,” Waverly laughed. “And speaking of the library, when’s the grand opening?”

“In a few days,” Nicole said. “You want to go?”

“Hell yes. I could use some new books. I already read all the ones you have.” She was about to walk away when Nicole told her to wait. “What?” Waverly asked.

“I have one.”

“One what?”

Nicole smiled, her dimples appearing. “A cheesy pick-up line.”

“You do?” Waverly asked, excitement blooming in her eyes. “Tell me.”

“Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?” Nicole asked.

Waverly laughed. “That’s a good one because believe it or not,”— she paused to look out the window as if about to announce a top secret, and then whispered—“I’m half angel.”

“I wouldn’t even be surprised if you were,” Nicole said. “Now come on,” she said as she stood and grabbed Waverly’s hand. “You said I was gorgeous with all these different types of clothing, but how do I look when I take them off?”

Waverly’s eyes darkened immediately. “Exquisite.”

❧

Nicole looked at the painting of a very detailed and realistic-looking leaf on the wall with her tongue poked out of her teeth in concentration as she tried to replicate it.

“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” Waverly asked beside her, deeply concentrated on her painting. Waverly had admitted to Nicole that when she was bored, she would go to a painting class at the recreational center every Friday morning even though she was terrible at it.

It was a Saturday morning today, and since they both had nothing to do, Waverly suggested coming because the instructor opened on weekend mornings for a couple hours. Nicole had said no in the beginning because she too was a terrible painter, but Waverly had convinced her with a couple looks (and promises of things that made Nicole’s head spin).

“New York,” Nicole said right away as she painted an ugly leaf. She wasn’t creative enough to come up with anything, so she chose the easiest looking drawing in the room. It wasn’t easy. ”Paris. Malacca. Anywhere with so much to see, you remember how much bigger life is than you think it is, and that you’re so small but never alone. Purgatory is such a small and uneventful town, you have no choice but to focus on yourself. You feel so big, like your problems are the worst there is, when they’re not. When really you can overcome them.” Nicole paused. “Why am I still here again?” she asked, turning to Waverly.

“I’d like to think I have something to do with it,” Waverly said in a low voice, painting away at her terrible attempt of a bunch of animals (she was currently working on an elephant), and not meeting Nicole’s eyes.

Nicole got up from her stool to wrap her arms around Waverly’s waist and kissed her shoulder. She whispered in Waverly’s ear, “You not only had something to do with it, you’re the entire reason.”

Waverly froze at the words, her paintbrush dripping grey dots on her canvas, and then she relaxed again into her embrace. Nicole knew the honest words had shocked Waverly—and really, they’d shocked her too—but she’d felt like saying them, so she did.

“Thank you for not leaving me alone,” Waverly said as she turned around, opening her legs so that Nicole could slide into the space between them, and wrapped her arms around Nicole’s waist. They were both wary of the instructor typing away at her desk.

Nicole grabbed Waverly’s face with both hands, and said, “I couldn’t leave you alone even if I tried.” She brought their lips together in a couple soft kisses that left her smiling.

“You make my heart go crazy,” Waverly said, looking at Nicole with that same look she’d been giving her recently—warm, bright, and unbelieving. The look Nicole couldn’t place no matter how many times she saw it. “Nicole, I”—Waverly cleared her throat and turned around quickly—“I think we should finish our paintings.”

“Okay,” Nicole drew out, moving beside Waverly to look at her face. She scrunched her eyebrows together in the sudden change in Waverly. “Did I do something wrong?

“No,” Waverly said, picking up her brush and dabbing it in grey again. When Nicole didn’t make a move to walk back to her painting, Waverly stopped and looked at her. “No,” Waverly said again, this time with a genuine smile on her face. “I promise.”

Nicole studied her for a second longer, trying to make sure she was telling the truth. “Okay,” she said with a shrug. “Only cause you promised.” She walked back to her painting.

When she sat down, she heard Waverly let out a sigh of relief, but didn’t think much about it. She just colored in her leaf.

After they finished, Nicole was walking to the car alone when she realized Waverly had kept the keys, and it was too cold to wait beside the car. She went back inside the building, where Waverly was asking the instructor about the upcoming lesson. As she neared the door, she heard Waverly saying thank you, and then the instructor spoke.

“Were you going to say what I think you were going to say?” she asked.

Nicole stopped a couple feet from the door.

Waverly didn’t say anything at first, but then she answered. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you say it?” And then she added, “Sorry, I don’t mean to be nosy,” she said with an embarrassed laugh.

“You’re fine,” Waverly said. “It’s just... complicated, I guess.”

Nicole’s lips drew down into a frown in confusion. What had Waverly meant to say?

The instructor spoke again. “Isn’t that what we all say?”

“Yeah, I guess we do,” Waverly said, her voice soft enough so that Nicole almost didn’t catch it.

When Waverly said goodbye, Nicole started to walk toward her again, pretending as though she just hadn’t heard a confusing conversation.

She met Waverly by the door.

“Nicole!” Waverly said in a surprised and higher-than-usual voice. Then, the surprise turned to fear. “D-did you hear that?”

“What?” Nicole asked, “You saying goodbye? Was I not supposed to hear that?” She raised an eyebrow teasingly at Waverly.

“No,” Waverly laughed. “Come on, let’s go before the snow starts again.”

“Okay,” Nicole said. She didn’t miss the look of relief in Waverly’s eyes when she didn’t ask more, but Nicole trusted Waverly. Whatever she wanted to say, she would say it when she was ready. If Waverly had been patient with her, she could be patient with Waverly. It was only fair.

❧

The library was bigger than it looked from the outside. There were cases filled with books of all genres and all sizes, living amongst one another without hatred or discrimination. Despite the heavy snow laying on the road outside, the sun was shining through the vast glass, making the rays of sunlight shine down on the books and giving the library a warm look. It smelled the way a new house no one’s lived in before mixed with the musty scent of books and freshly cleaned carpet.

There were desks, chairs and couches placed in front of the bookcases, behind the self-checkout section, and around the library. Waverly and Nicole walked hand in hand, looking at the new books and the ones that had been donated, which had a few dog-eared pages.

“I love libraries,” Waverly said. “I can’t believe Purgatory didn’t have one for this long.”

“I know,” Nicole said, taking a Brené Brown book from a shelf. “I used to spend practically all my time in libraries, losing myself in historical fiction or sci-fi, or even, sometimes, romances.”

Waverly raised an eyebrow at that but didn’t say anything.

“There was a quote I read once that stuck with me,” Nicole said. “‘When you read a great book, you don’t escape from life, you plunge deeper into it.’”

“Wow, who said that?”

“Julian Barnes.”

“Who’s that?”

“I have no idea,” Nicole laughed, looking at Waverly who was running her fingers across the spines of books and reading the titles. Libraries were usually silent, but since it was the first day, chatter of wonder filled Nicole’s ears, and all of those days of hard work made her feel fulfilled. “So why do you love libraries?”

Waverly glanced at Nicole before moving her eyes back to the books. “I used to go to libraries when I was having a hard time with everything. Books give me hope.”

“Hope? How?”

“It doesn’t matter that these books are fiction, the lessons behind them are real. The stories may be made up, but there’s always something you can take from it that you can apply to your life. Books can make you feel inspired. They make you want to take action, you know?”

Nicole nodded.

“No matter what’s happening in my life, being surrounded by all of these books makes me remember that the crappy parts are just chapters. They’re not the entire story. Sometimes they’re problems that can be solved by the next chapter, and sometimes they’re subplots that in the end don’t really matter much. It’s just nice to be surrounded by characters who usually get what they were looking for. Characters who save the day, or get a happy ending, or even just characters who learned something. It gives me hope because I can do what they did.”

“You know, you’re the wisest person I know,” Nicole said with a smile, pausing to caress Waverly’s face.

“Thank you,” Waverly said, kissing Nicole quickly.

They continued to walk down the aisles when Nicole asked, “What about my story? I feel like I’ve been on the same chapter for years.”

“Well, sure, but you just called it a chapter. Some chapters are longer than others, right? Even if it’s a hundred pages, at some point, you’re going to reach the next one. You just have to keep flipping the pages.”

“So... I just have to keep going?”

Waverly grinned. “You just gotta keep going.”

Waverly and Nicole walked into another section of the library and Nicole asked, “How do you keep going when you don’t think you deserve it?”

“By remembering you _do_ deserve it,” Waverly said, smiling at her own simple answer.

Nicole picked up a book, _The Hate U Give_ , and said, “How did _you_ not hate yourself?” She was talking about Waverly’s own past now. It was something that she’d been thinking a lot about recently.

“I did,” Waverly admitted as they continued to walk hand in hand. “But then I realized that things happen to us all the time and we don’t even realize the effect it has on us until a few years later. I don’t hate myself because I didn’t realize I was doing what I did. It was an accident, nothing more.” Waverly smiled and squeezed Nicole’s hand.

“An accident,” Nicole said slowly as if feeling the way the word felt in her mouth for the first time.

“That’s it,” Waverly said, walking around aimlessly now. “Shit happens. We just have to force ourselves to turn the page, to move on.”

Nicole nodded. “Who knew you could drag this book analogy on for so long?” She laughed.

Waverly stopped. “Do you actually hate yourself?”

Nicole pulled her to a lonelier corner. “No,” she said as she shook her head. “But I do beat myself up for everything I’ve done, all the people I’ve hurt, and for all the hurt I’ve caused _myself_.”

“Well, there’s no need for that,” Waverly said. “Besides, just think about how easy these last few days have been for the both of us. They’ve been casual, but romantic, don’t you think?”

“You think washing dishes together is romantic,” Nicole said, laughing.

“It is!” Waverly said, pushing Nicole’s shoulder lightly. “What I’m trying to say is that you’ve been different lately, almost unafraid.”

“I’m always afraid,” Nicole said, a smile on her face. “But I’m getting tired of the fear, so I just think, ‘Nicole, stop being a little bitch, and just do and say what you want.’”

“Is that really what you say? You tell yourself to stop being a little bitch?” Waverly laughed.

Nicole grinned and nodded, “It works!”“Well, if it works I guess it doesn’t matter what you say,” Waverly said, taking Nicole’s hand again and leading her to the self-checkout section. “And based on the way you’ve been making me feel lately, it’s working.”

“I know these are basic things, what I’ve been doing, but every little step counts, right?” Nicole asked, repeating Waverly’s words back to her.

“As long as you’re moving forward, the size of your steps don’t matter,” Waverly said. “However I do think that every now and then you have to just jump, you know?”

“Jump?”

“Yeah, baby steps count a lot, but there are these few moments where you have to throw caution to the wind and take a giant leap no matter how scared you are.”

Nicole nodded, “I guess you’re right. Baby steps would only take me so far.”

Waverly grinned. “Told you I’m always right, didn’t I?”

Nicole smiled, and thought _Fuck you, demons. Look at that smile that you’ve been preventing._ Looking at that smile, Nicole knew she’d battle the Devil itself to catch a glimpse of it.

❧

Nicole walked through the cool halls as her footsteps echoed in the silence. All the doors were closed because classes were still in session, and Nicole found herself feeling nostalgic for a simpler time. She had loved school when she was younger. Getting picked up by both of her parents every day in kindergarten was a memory she’ll cherish forever.

Her parents had been good parents. They loved her endlessly, and they loved each other, but as Nicole grew, she noticed that her mom looked bored with her dad. There were less and less conversations, her mom wouldn’t want her dad to accompany her to the grocery store anymore—a task they’d always done together—and everything just felt _off_.

One day, things got worse. Her mom brought home a strange man when her dad was at work. The next week, she brought home that same man. The week after that, it was another. And from there, it just kept going. Her mom asked her not to say anything, but Nicole didn’t really understand why. Who were those men and why couldn’t her dad know anything about them?

Then her dad found out a year later, and he left. But Nicole didn’t understand why he had to leave. Hadn’t he been the one to tell her to always find a way to forgive someone? But he didn’t. So eventually, neither did she.

After that fallout, she stayed with her mom until she was 18 and could move out, but their relationship was strained. They talked when they needed to and argued a couple times a week, but Nicole never forgave her. While Nicole understood now that she herself was the reason she thought she was unworthy of love, there was still a part of her that blamed her mom. After she moved out, she’d still visit her mom and talk to her on the phone, but eventually, they fell out. No contact whatsoever.

She’d had a better relationship with her dad. They talked all the time, rarely argued, and saw each other often. Then he got married, and while Nicole thought his new wife was nice, she always felt a little awkward. No matter how angry she was at her mother for ruining her family, she felt like she was betraying yet another parent. After the marriage, her dad and her fell apart more and more.

One day, while she was at the library, lost in her book, she got a call from her dad. Only it wasn’t her dad. It was a doctor, and that doctor said that her dad was dead and so was his wife. Nicole’s heart had stopped beating, and her mind had automatically gone to the day before when they’d talked on the phone after almost two months of no interaction.

It was a good phone call. Nicole remembered that they’d talked about what was going on with their lives, made a few jokes, and laughed a lot. It was as if no time had passed, like they were close. Before he hung up he said, “Nic, I know that we don’t talk often, that’s my fault—”

“—it’s my fault too, dad,” Nicole said. She could practically hear his sad smile.

“What I’m saying is that, I know we’re not as close as I wish, but I love you more than you know, okay? I pray to God every morning that you’re safe, and that will never stop. Even if I’m not there with you, I’m with you. Don’t ever forget that.”

Nicole had teared up, and she whispered her next words in fear that her voice would crack if she spoke any louder. “I love you too, dad. I promise, I’m going to call more often, okay? I’ll go visit in a couple weeks.”

“You promise?”

Nicole laughed at the teasing tone in her father’s voice. “I promise. Bye, dad.”

“Bye, Nic.”

She never got to fulfill that promise. Eventually, the pain and the regret got so big that she’d subconsciously chosen to remember her dad in a different way, not in the way he’d spoken to her last. She got angry at him, angry for leaving. She thought about the pain in his face the day he found out his mother had cheated, and she kept it in mind as a reason that she couldn’t be in relationships. She blamed mostly her mother, but she blamed him too. Blamed him for showing her the pain love could cause.

It was easier that way, easier than thinking about the promise she could never fulfill, easier than facing her regret and her sadness. _Vulnerability is not weakness_ , Nicole thought. She hadn’t thought about her father and their last conversation in years. Maybe it was time to face that regret and sadness.

 _For someone who knows that promises are stupid, you sure make a lot of them,_ Nicole thought. She thought back to the promises she’d made Waverly. _I won’t hurt you. I won’t fuck you and leave_. She stood by the second promise, but to make the first promise? You hurt people when you’re in a relationship. Maybe not intentionally but you’re bound to hurt them. Nicole knew it was an impossible promise, and it made Nicole realize that she had to be more thoughtful about her promises.

If she wasn’t careful, she’d end up with the same pain and regret of unfulfilled promises. She had to make the promises she knew she could keep.

She knew that promises were childish, but that’s because people made them with carelessness. For her, they meant something. They were real. Her dad reminded her of that often, and he too, made promises all the time, and as far as Nicole knew, he always kept them. She had to honor what he’d taught her.

She allow herself a moment to think about her mom. She had last seen her at her dad’s funeral. They’d fought when Nicole asked her mom how she had the audacity to show up. That was four years ago. Four years with zero contact with her mom. Despite everything, she felt an ounce of guilt settle at the pit of her stomach.

She ended her thoughts and pushed away the guilt when she saw Waverly through the small window of the door. She was sitting on a chair with a book in hand, reading to the kids with an excited expression on her face. Nicole leaned to the right and looked at the kids. They were all drawn in, their eyes lost in the book and Waverly’s voice, maybe creating worlds in their heads.

She wanted to go in and hear Waverly, but she didn’t want to interrupt her. By some twist of fate, however, Waverly turned her way, and she smiled brightly when she saw Nicole. Nicole saw her say something to the kids, and she got up from her seat to open the door for her.

“Hey!” Waverly said, “Come in. I’m just reading to the kids.”

“Don’t mind me,” Nicole said as she walked in. “I’m just here to see you in action. Keep reading.” She turned to all the kids who were looking at her curiously, and said, “Hi guys, I’m Nicole.”

“Hi, Nicole!” they all said back. Well, some of them screamed it. Nicole laughed, and sat down to let Waverly continue her story. Once the kids settled down, Waverly started to read again. It was a book Nicole recognized. “Oh, The Places You'll Go,” by Dr. Suess. 

“KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!” Waverly said with an excited tone. “So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray”—the kids laughed at the names—“or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way!”

Waverly closed the book just as the bell rang. She reminded everybody to do there homework as they picked up their backpacks by the back corner. Parents suddenly filled the corridors and students began to leave. A few minutes later, most of them were out the door except one small boy with a backpack too big for him.

He walked up to Nicole and Waverly and asked,“Who is this, Miss Earp?”

“Oh, This is my girl—uh—my friend,” Waverly said, a sheepish smile on her face. Nicole knew it was for two reasons: one, she almost called her her girlfriend, and two, she didn’t want to share her business with her five-year-old students. Nicole, to her own surprise, only held back a laugh.

“You can say ‘girlfriend’,” the boy said, pushing up his glasses. “My mom told me that girls can love girls and boys can love boys when I told her Roman was my boyfriend.”

Nicole’s heart warmed, and she held back another laugh at the cuteness of it. She remembered when her and Danny were ‘girlfriends’ in kindergarten. They would hold hands, and they shared their first quick kiss on the sandbox, but they got in trouble because “little kids aren’t supposed to be doing that”. They never kissed again, but they did continue to hold hands.

“That’s right. They can,” Waverly said with a smile.”I’ll see you tomorrow, Raymond?”

Raymond nodded and ran out to meet his mom in the hallway. Nicole saw that she was with another woman and her son, who Nicole assumed to be Roman because Raymond grabbed Roman’s hand and began to walk away.

“Is your heart about to burst, too?” Nicole asked as she turned around.

“Yes! My heart,” Waverly said, a hand over her heart. Then she turned to look at her. “This was a great surprise.” She started packing her things.

“I wanted to see you in your element,” Nicole answered. She was grateful that Waverly had let the whole ‘girlfriend’ thing go.

“How did I do?”

“The kids were very enraptured by the Dr. Seuss book you were reading. I mean _all_ of them were paying attention,” Nicole said.

“That was all Dr. Suess,” Waverly said with a wave of her hand.

“Untrue,” Nicole said, sitting on the desk. “You were very animated. You could’ve read in a monotone voice and put them all to sleep or something. Give yourself credit.” Nicole winked.

“And the student become the teacher,” Waverly laughed. She set her bag down on the chair and faced Nicole before grabbing her hand. “Thank you for coming. It means a lot.” She kissed Nicole quickly.

“Do you want to go for lunch?” Nicole asked.

“Yes, I’ve loved to. I’m really hungry.”

Waverly was about to make her way out of the classroom when Nicole stopped her. “Waves, wait.”

Waverly turned around. “Did I forget something?”

“No, but about what that kid—”

“Raymond.”

“Yeah, Raymond. About what he said, I know I’ve come far, but I’m sorry that I’m still not comfortable with saying that you’re my girlfriend. I know it’s probably really stupid and ridiculous that I can’t when we basically are, but it’s not to me. It’s still something that I’m afraid to admit because, well because I don’t think I deserve you as my girlfriend.”

“You do, Nicole,” Waverly said.

“I know you believe that, but I don’t, and I need more time.”

Waverly smiled. “Okay. Can we go eat now?”

Nicole laughed, but said one more thing. “I don’t think I deserve you, but I do want to call you mine... maybe someday soon.” Nicole waited for words of regret to come out, to take it all back, to apologize and run. But she stayed and she meant the words. She did, however, refrain from saying _I promise_.

It wasn’t a promise she could make yet, but she knew that she would be able to eventually, and that counted. Waverly looked in the hallway to make sure that nobody was looking, and then she touched Nicole’s face and kissed her for a long time. She pulled away, but she didn’t says anything. She simply smiled, took Nicole’s hand, and they walked out together.

❧

You never know how a story is going to go. It’s partly what Nicole loved so much about reading, the unpredictable twists and turns that a writer could come up with, making the reader want to throw their book out the window, gasp as if they were watching a movie, and skim through the pages to see what will happen, and then go back to read the thing in full.

When it came to her life, however, she didn’t like the unpredictable. Not in love, at least. Not in relationships. And yet, it came lurking around the corner, or it popped out at you out of nowhere, and sometimes it stood on your shoulder, telling you to stop, to give up, to never give in.

Nicole found herself ignoring that voice more often. The unpredictable was becoming less scary the more she gave into it. Not only was she less afraid to give in, she was actually _eager_ to do it. Waverly had been right, trying to grow was just a matter of waking up every single day and making the tough decisions that would turn out better than you’d expected in the end.

She woke up one day, and decided that she’d ask Waverly out on a date, so she did. When she dropped her glass of water in the middle of the restaurant, she called herself an idiot, like most people would. But she caught the thought, and said, _No, I made a mistake. I’m not an idiot_. It was the little things that mattered. It was just about going with a different option. It was so easy to do, so easy, in fact, that you could skip it, but Nicole found herself realizing that if you skip it, you never change.

She told Hayley that she loved her. The only other good friend she had in Purgatory, because she did, and maybe Hayley would’ve liked to hear it. Hayley hugged her and told her that she loved her too.

When she fixed Mr. Rainn’s squeaky step on the front porch, he said thank you. Usually, in response, she’d smile. She never said you’re welcome. Now she knew it was because she didn’t think she was _worthy_ of a thank you. She didn’t think she was worthy of anything good. But this time, she said you’re welcome. It wasn’t a big deal, not to Mr. Rainn, at least, but to her, she counted it as a worthy baby step.

Nicole still had a long way to go, but it was these these small steps that would eventually add up, and one day she’d wake up and realize her change and progress. She was sure of that now.

“I don’t deserve you,” Nicole said to Waverly, who was putting their game of Mancala away. She was a bit angry because Nicole had won six times in a row. They were sitting on a pile of blankets and pillows everywhere in Waverly’s living room, locked in because of a snow storm. In the corner was a stack of board games they’d been playing, and beside it, two books that they’d been reading earlier.

“Nicole, we’ve talk about this. Don’t say that,” Waverly said, caught off guard by the statement. “You _do_ deserve me. I’m not some untouchable goddess. I’m just me.”

“Well, maybe,” Nicole said, biting her lip. “What I’m trying to say that is that I’ve never taken the time to really apologize. You’re here all of the time, and I haven’t said I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve made you feel, for all the shit I’ve done.”

“But there’s nothing to apologize for,” Waverly said.

“Yes there is,” Nicole said. “And don’t deny it,” she told Waverly when she opened her mouth to argue. “Every time I left you or did something stupid, I always had a choice... and I chose the wrong one every time, and that hurt you. I’m sorry, Waverly. I am so _so_ sorry,” Nicole said as she laid her forehead on Waverly’s with her eyes closed.

“I forgive you,” Waverly said. “I do.”

“You took the time to celebrate me, but we never took the time to celebrate you. You deserve to be acknowledged too, you know?” Nicole said, smiling.

Waverly waved a hand in the air. “It was nothing,” she said. “I’m just—”

“No, you’re not _just_ anything,” Nicole said. “You’re Waverly, and while you may not be an untouchable goddess, you’re extraordinary. You’re more than you think, more than _I_ think. You’re—”

“Don’t say ‘not like most girls’,” Waverly said.

Nicole laughed. “I was going to to you’re the type of person with a heart of gold. And you _are_ like most girls—strong, smart, badass, beautiful, bold. I could keep going, but Waverly, I’m trying to say that I like you so much, and I just want you to remember that I’m trying. I’m trying because I want to be the best me I can be for me, but for you too. Because that’s who you deserve.”

“But what if it’s not what I want?”

“What?” Nicole asked, her eyebrows furrowing and causing lines to appear in between them.

“I want all of you, Nicole. I want the best of you _and_ the worst of you. I want the happiness and the excitement and the words that make me swoon. I want your crying and your anger and the fights that will only make us stronger. What I deserve isn’t someone who only treats me like a queen, I deserve someone who’s open and vulnerable. I’m not saying I deserve disrespect or carelessness, but I don’t want the perfect girl, or guy, I want the person that’s _real_ with me. That’s all I ask. I want someone who tries and someone who doesn’t give up on me when I’m not strong or bold or smart or badass. Someone who loves me when I’m at my worst, too.

“Yes, you’ve hurt me, yes, I’ve gotten angry at you, and yes, you’ve left, but you’ve never given up on yourself _or_ on me. You always come back. That means something to me. I just hope we can reach a time where you don’t leave.”

Nicole lay her head on Waverly’s forehead again. “I hope so too, Waves. I’m going to win. I know it.” It was a promise Nicole made to herself.

❧

The last few days between Waverly and Nicole had been heavenly. They had pointless little arguments every now and then, but for once, they could say that they were one hundred percent good. Any chat about the both of them had completely died down, women no longer went up to Nicole to flirt, and Nicole almost felt like she belonged in Purgatory.

And Waverly... well, Waverly was almost starting to feel like home. Nicole loved to lose herself in her. She wanted to tell her every detail about herself and wanted Waverly to do the same. They talked about their best memories, and their worst ones, they ate ice cream on the front porch when it was snowing, and danced at clubs outside of Purgatory. They were just having fun, and Nicole felt like maybe they could do this... _forever_.

She wanted to lay in this bed with Waverly, bare and naked, for as long as she could. Here, nothing could touch them, hurt them, _destroy_ them.

Nicole ran her fingertips down Waverly’s arm, reveling in the softness of her skin. Waverly’s eyes were closed, but she was awake even though both were tired after that morning’s events.

Nicole was looking out the window when she saw Waverly open her eyes, and when their eyes met, Nicole could see a secret in them. It was that same look she’d seen so much over the past few days. Warm. Bright. Unbelieving. But this time there was something else, and it took Nicole a second to place it, but when she realized what it was, her confusion only grew because it was in contrast to all the other things she saw in her eyes. Fear.

The secret was there, loud and clear, which a secret isn’t supposed to be.

It was going to burst. What was it?

“Nicole,” Waverly whispered. “I have to tell you something, but I’m afraid.”

Nicole moved her hand to caress Waverly’s cheek. “You never have to be afraid to say anything to me. You know I’ll never judge you.”

“I’m not afraid of that. I’m afraid of how you’ll react, but I have to say it because I don’t think I can hold it back any longer.”

Nicole started to worry, and she tried to read Waverly’s eyes, but she couldn’t understand them. “It’s okay. Tell me.” Her chest was heavy with fear and worry.

Waverly’s eyes filled with tears, and she clenched her jaw to stop them from falling. “Nicole... I love you.”

Right away, Nicole’s chest brightened, but it was overcome by a darkness that flowed faster, and her heart stopped. She spoke. As always, without thinking. “What? But we’re not even together.”

Everything, all the progress, all the growth, it meant nothing as her walls built back up brick by brick in a speed too fast for anyone to comprehend. Who could ever love her?

Waverly’s eyes hardened in a way Nicole had never seen before, and she got up, holding the sheet around her bare chest. “That’s a _low_ blow, Nicole,” Waverly said as she started getting dressed. Her voice was cold, angry, and Nicole heard an undeniable pain.

Nicole, who realized what she had said, widened her eyes, and she sat up. “Waverly, no, wait. Don’t leave. I didn’t mean that.”

“I’m not saying that I love you because I want to hear that you love me, too,” Waverly said, ignoring Nicole’s words and turning to face her. “I don’t need a response from you if you’re not ready. But to say that we’re not together? _We are_ , Nicole!” she screamed. “You and I are _dating_. You can deny it all you want, but you’re my girlfriend, and I’m yours.”

“I never said we were,” Nicole said, holding the sheet to cover her bare chest. Despite the guilt in her chest because of her words, she couldn’t help but deny that they were girlfriends, that they were bound to each other. Waverly didn’t deserve that. She would fuck it all up. She would hurt Waverly and herself. It’d be messy, and in a few months they’d break up, and they would end up worse than when they started.

“Yeah, I know. You just fucking said that,” Waverly said, now throwing on her shirt. She’d reached her breaking point.

“How did you expect me to react?” Nicole asked.

“I don’t know! But I tell you I love you and all you can do is remind me that we’re not together?”

“What was I supposed to say?” Nicole said, on the verge of yelling.

“That you love me too!”

“You literally just said that you weren’t expecting a response!”

“I know what I said, but it’s the truth. _You love me_!” Waverly yelled, turning to meet Nicole’s eyes. They were filled with a fire that hit Nicole’s chest and made it burn.

“And how the hell do you know?”

Waverly paused, breathing hard. “Do you love me?” she asked. “Tell me the truth. Yes or no?”

Nicole looked at her, helpless, as her mouth opened and closed shut repeatedly. She didn’t know what to say. She hesitated, but eventually she answered. “No.”

Waverly scoffed. “You know, there was one thing I noticed when we met,” Waverly said as she grabbed her bag. “You have this ability to just shut off from showing your emotions, and I really dislike it, but while I can’t read what’s going on in your head right now I know one thing.”

“What’s that?” Nicole asked, angry.

“You’re a terrible liar.”

Nicole’s heart stopped again, but she didn’t say anything.

“You promised me that you would never sleep with me and leave,” Waverly said, her anger suddenly gone and replaced with hurt.

“I’m still here,” Nicole answered, her words almost desperate.

“No, Nicole. You’re not,” Waverly said before looking down as a tear escaped her eyes. “I’m going to go.”

“What are you talking about? Where are you going?”

“I need space, Nicole. And so do you. You need to figure some things out—things that you can only figure out alone.”

“I can’t do this alone,” Nicole said weakly.

“Yes, you can. I know you can. _You_ know you can. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”

“I don’t need you to save me,” Nicole said, her jaw set.

“I know that, Nicole! _Jesus_ ,” Waverly snapped. “Just because I want to be here for you doesn’t mean that I’m trying to save you.“

“Why are you doing this? You just told me you loved me.”

“And that’s why I’m doing this,” Waverly said, tears staining her cheeks. “I’ve been beside you for so long, and I will _always_ be here, but only you can fix this. You can always depend on me but not to fix everything. Don’t underestimate yourself.”

Nicole didn’t argue because she knew Waverly was right. “You said I was worth it,” Nicole cried. She wasn’t though, wasn’t she? She didn’t deserve Waverly or her patience. She wasn’t worthy.

“You are,” Waverly said, sitting on the bed. Nicole could see the pain in her eyes. She was patient with her, but everyone has a breaking point. “But I can’t do this anymore. I’m not giving up on you, on us. I will be here when you figure everything out, but for now, I can’t stand here and let you drag me along, pulling me up and down and sideways. And I can’t let myself go along. I was doing it for so long with my parents and I only got scraped and bruised along the way. I don’t want us to end up broken.”

“I know it may not seem like it, but I don’t want to lose you,” Nicole whispered.

“You won’t,” Waverly said in a forceful tone. “I just need some space for a while, some time. You can understand that, right?”

Nicole nodded right away. “I want us to work. I’ll do what it takes, Waves. I _promise_ you that.”

Waverly nodded. Nicole knew that Waverly wasn’t sure if she believed her or not.

“I’m gonna go,” Waverly said. She turned to leave, but then turned to say one last thing. “I can’t undo your pain, Nicole. I can’t erase what’s happened to you, and if I could take away all of your pain, I would. But I can’t. Just remember, relationships are messy and hard sometimes. It’s what makes us stronger together.” She let out a deep breath. “I’m here for you and you only. Whenever you’re ready, my arms are open.”

Nicole’s tears couldn’t stay in her eyes any longer, and they all came rushing out like an army getting ready to attack. She didn’t answer. Instead, she watched Waverly walk away, her chest heavy and her heart broken.

She thought no one could destroy them in this bed. But she was wrong. She hadn’t counted herself.

It was time for her to face her army of sadness once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I tell myself to stop being a little bitch when I’m scared.
> 
> This chapter took me a while to write, and I had to tell myself not to be a little bitch before uploading, haha. But I hope you guys liked it :-)
> 
> In the next chapter, we’ll be reaching the opening scene! Now to see what happens in between this fight and the time Nicole runs through the storm to confess her love for Waverly...
> 
> Thank you so much for reading ❤️ I’ll be uploading th next chapter soon!


	10. Three Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you noticed the “/12”, yes, after this there are only two chapters left!! 
> 
> I’m sorry for making you guys wait after that super angsty ending last chapter, but chapter 10 is finally here!! Now we get to see what Nicole does for two weeks and a half without Waverly...
> 
> Happy reading :-)
> 
> P.S. Thank you @thegayestearp & @8twelve for giving me the greatest notes on this chapter — this wouldn’t be up now if it weren’t for them

_I love you._

Those three words had been replaying in Nicole’s mind the last two days. They would take her back to the day she lay in bed with Waverly, with only a thin sheet covering their naked bodies. She’d see Waverly holding her face, then she would say it. _“Nicole... I love you.”_ When she tried to direct her thoughts toward something else, she would end up back at Waverly saying those three words.

 _I should probably shower_ would turn into _Remember that bath you shared with Waverly some days back? When you set up candles and just sat there? Waverly leaned against your chest and played with your fingertips. You felt like your heart would burst._ Then, Nicole’s imagination would add another scene. In this scene, Waverly would slide her fingers in between Nicole’s softly and tell her she loved her.

 _I need to have breakfast_ would turn into _Remember, two weeks ago, when you bought sweet and sour soup, and Waverly’s face lit up when you presented a small jar of peanut butter? She lunged at you and kissed you not because you brought her what she loved, but because you_ remembered _what she loved_. Once again, her mind would take the liberty to add on. This time, Waverly would pull apart from the kiss, and she would whisper that she loved her.

Those thoughts filled her mind the way a flood inundated a home, and she couldn’t do anything to stop it. The thoughts kept her nailed to the bed. She forced herself to shower this morning but hadn’t eaten yet. She spent half the day crying yesterday, but she was sick of crying. Now she just laid in bed, hugging her pillow and staring blankly at a wall like it was a piece of art.

It wasn’t Waverly confessing her love that kept her in bed as if booby traps were set around it. It was her own reaction. There was no denying the vastness of her mistakes, and Nicole was trying not to beat herself up.

Two months ago, she would’ve ran to the bathroom, held her face next to the window, and let the cold nip at her cheeks. She would’ve stayed in there, shivering until she was numb. She was stronger now. It was difficult to get up from bed, but maybe that was a good thing. She wasn’t running to freeze herself.

Nicole understood that she didn’t have to punish herself, but she knew she had to fix everything. However, deep down, the feeling she chose to magnify the way she’d magnified her dad’s pain, was her anger at Waverly.

Waverly left because she’d had enough, because she’d exposed herself more than ever before, and Nicole had only hurt her, but like always, it was easier to focus on the shit that others did to you. It was easier to face the fact that Waverly had left her rather than face the fact that she had let Waverly down again.

The worst part was that Nicole wasn’t surprised Waverly left. Nicole knew she was unworthy, so it was no surprise that Waverly thought so too.

 _No, she didn’t think you were unworthy,_ Nicole thought.

 _If she truly believed you were worthy, she wouldn’t have left_ , thought another side of her. Her mind was split into two sides, an angel and a devil. But instead of resting on her shoulders, they stood on both ends of her mind.

 _That’s not why she left, and you know it. You can fix this_ , the angel said.

She _should fix it. She dragged you into this mess in the first place_ , the devil answered.

_It wasn’t a mess._

_Wasn’t it? Look where you are now._

Nicole’s breathing fastened, a mix of anger and sadness and despair making her confused. Which side was right? Did Waverly really think she was unworthy? If she had, she wouldn’t have told her she loved her, right? And Waverly had _told_ her she was worthy...

This was all she had now. Foggy thoughts. Confusion. Blurred lines.

Two days ago she had laughter and joy with the woman she cared about most in the world. Now she had a war in her mind, and she didn’t know if she could beat it.

❧

_I love you._

Those three words meant the world to most, but to Nicole, they were the words that had destroyed everything. It had been four days since Waverly’s confession, and Nicole was finally out of bed, but she hadn’t left the house.

She reflected all day yesterday. She relived her entire journey with Waverly, the things she had discovered about herself, what they had done together, the words Waverly said to her, how they made her feel.

One of her favorite memories was what they’d done after painting at the recreational center. Halfway to Waverly’s home, a light snow began to fall. Nicole became confused when Waverly made a sudden right turn (they had to continue straight) and stopped near a park. Every inch of the ground was covered with snow from a snowfall earlier. The swings swung up slightly as the wind blew, dropping the snow on them, and snow landed gracefully on top of the slides.

Beside her, Waverly unbuckled her seatbelt, and Nicole turned. “Uhh, Waves? What are you doing?”

Waverly didn’t even look at her when she said, “We’re going to have a snowball fight.” Without giving Nicole a chance to answer, she opened the car door and got out.

“Waves!” Nicole yelled. “ _And she’s gone_ ,” she muttered to herself as Waverly closed the door. “Guess we’re having a snowball fight,” she said as she unbuckled her seatbelt. She hadn’t gotten a chance to close her own door when a snowball landed on her arm. “ _Ouch_ ,” Nicole said, glaring at Waverly.

“What?” Waverly asked innocently.

“I’ll show you _what_.” Nicole ran toward Waverly.

Waverly’s eyes widened, and she bent down to make another snowball, but before she could stand up, a snowball hit her back. She stood and faced Nicole, who was laughing. “Oh, it’s on now.” They continued to throw snowballs, kiss in the snow, and bicker like an old married couple until it was too cold to handle.

Nicole smiled at the memory, and she couldn’t help but feel the pride that fell over her when she let her anger at Waverly melt away like the snow.

It was moments like these that made her progress visible. Progress was usually small and undetectable, but there were moments where you could see it and feel it, and that was when you had to acknowledge it. So, Nicole acknowledged it and felt proud.

She also accepted what she’d been denying. Waverly had left to take care of herself. She didn’t leave because she thought her unworthy. She left because she wanted Nicole to _understand_ her worth, to allow herself to be loved.

Despite this acceptance, Nicole felt like she was still at square one. Walls built. No Waverly. Rock bottom. And a long journey ahead of her.

❧

_I love you._

Those three words tried to fight their way to the front of Nicole’s mind as she walked to the girl by the jukebox. Hayley told her to go home, that she was too drunk, but Nicole ignored her. She saw Hayley pick up the phone, and assumed she was calling a cab.

Just ten minutes ago she’d been talking and slurring her words about how much she missed Waverly, but she got mad at herself, so now she was going up to the pretty girl with a dress that Nicole wanted to tear off.

Nicole flirted, and the woman, Eileen, flirted back. They exchanged numbers because Nicole told her she had to go. Hayley was calling her and telling her that the cab was here. Nicole obeyed and left, a new number on her phone just six days after the Waverly confessed her love for her.

❧

_I love you._

Those three words were making Nicole go insane. For one week now, they were the first thing she heard in the morning and the last thing she heard at night. In between, she managed to avoid them (sometimes).

Nicole was in bed, legs covered with two blankets, as she lost herself in her book. She was escaping, and she knew it. There was nothing wrong with escaping the real world or your problems, but Nicole did it over and over again. She couldn’t escape forever. At some point she had to face reality, face her problems, and find solutions.

She was _tired_ of reading to leave her reality behind. Her rock bottom kept getting lower and lower, and now she had to deal with the guilt of asking a girl for her number. It didn’t matter, though, because Waverly and her weren’t together, right?

With that thought, Nicole let out a sob that led to endless gut-wrenching sobs. She dug her face in the pages of her book, letting the tears fall on the words as gracefully as the snow had fallen on the slide. _Of course we’re together,_ Nicole thought _. Waverly’s your girlfriend, and you’re hers. You hold hands and kiss and sleep in the same bed and go on dates. And you deserve her because you’re kind and strong, and you might be a little messed up, but you’re a great person. You matter. You’re worthy._

After a few moments, Nicole lifted her head from the pages, and took deep breaths. She calmed herself down as her fingers grasped the book tightly.

How was she supposed to go up from there? How do you start over right from the beginning? How do you put down the book, pause the tv show, or put the drink down to stop escaping and start dealing with things?

Nicole found that she knew the answer, and it was so simple she could completely ignore it. But she missed Waverly and hated feeling this way so much that she _didn’t_ ignore it.

The solution was to decide. Then, to act.

So, Nicole made the choice to put the book down. She placed her bookmark, closed the book, and left it on her nightstand. Now, she just had to act. And then tomorrow, she had to do it all over again.

Choose to fight. Fight. Repeat.

❧

_I love you._

Those three words became motivation. The next day, it wasn’t easy to get out of bed, to make the choice to stand up, but Nicole had to do it. Not only for her, but for Waverly. Slowly, she would dig her way out of rock bottom and focus on getting better.

Next time, she wouldn’t retreat the way she had when Waverly told her she loved her. She knew she would have setbacks, but she refused to fall all the way back to rock bottom again. She was going to fight for herself, for her happiness, and for Waverly. Her girlfriend.

The thought made her smile.

❧

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

Those three words looped in her mind over and over and _over_ again because there she was. Waverly. Digging a key into the doorknob with one hand, and a box of donuts from their favorite donut place in the other. Nicole was driving toward Mrs. and Mrs. Warrior’s home after a last-minute call this evening, and Nicole had to drive past Waverly’s house. She didn’t know whether she would’ve liked to see her or not, but there she was. Now, Waverly didn’t know if she wanted her to look her way or not.

She didn’t.

Nicole drove away with a longing in her heart.

She missed her more than she thought possible. _I’m fighting for us_ , _Waverly_ , Nicole thought. _I promise_. Suddenly she became achingly aware of the feeling in her chest, in her bones, in her soul. And she knew what it was.

Her eyes welled up with tears, blurring her vision right away, but she continued the short drive to the Warriors’. When she pulled up to the curb a moment later, she let out a cry that was also a laugh.

She loved Waverly Earp. She was hopelessly in love with the woman just ninety seconds away.

She’d known all along, but she’d refused to accept it. The tears that left her eyes were tears of sadness, for the pain she caused Waverly, tears of disappointment, for running away without actually moving after Waverly’s confession, and tears of relief because admitting she loved Waverly was simple.

 _Do you love her or not?_ When you stripped away the fears and doubts, that was all it came down to. And the answer was yes, she did. She loved Waverly, and she wasn’t afraid to admit it because seeing her there, looking beautiful as always... what was there to be afraid of?

The answer was as simple as the question. Nothing. Waverly Earp was worth it. Even if she broke her heart six months from now, or ten years from now, even if she came to hate her, what they had right now, _at this moment_ , it would be worth it.

❧

_Immature. Selfish. Coward._

Those three words were the ones Nicole had chosen the evening she realized she was in love with Waverly (a thought that made chills run up her spine) to describe who she had been the past few months.

She assigned them to herself the way someone might put a negative label on another person, and for the next few days, she lived by them. She repeated them to herself like a mantra, reminding herself of the pain she’d caused herself and Waverly. She forced herself to relive her pain from the last couple of months, and lived in her hardest memories.

She’d been immature. She ran from her problems and refused to face anything. She didn’t talk to Waverly or face her shit like an adult. She refused to say “I love you” like a six-year-old does when they’re angry at their parents before bed. She couldn’t admit Waverly was her girlfriend like someone ashamed of who they were dating.

She’d been selfish. She put her feelings first, and didn’t consider Waverly’s. Sometimes, they weren’t even _second_. She dragged Waverly along like a rag doll, and hurt her. Nicole put her own heart first. That was not how you made someone feel worthy.

She’d been a coward. She was full of fear, and too weak to face her demons. Whether she was drinking, having meaningless sex, or actually driving away, Nicole found a way to escape. She’d been afraid to call Waverly hers, to go on _one_ date, to tell her she loved her. She’d been nothing but a spineless coward.

Then, this morning, she thought about Waverly. Waverly would yell at her in the nicest possible way to stop calling herself those things. She would cancel everything out, compliment her, and highlight all her great traits. It was what Nicole loved about Waverly, so she tried it out. Her mind couldn’t handle anymore darkness. What was the harm in trying?

_Strong. Brave. Fighter._

She was strong. She wasn’t immature; she was just afraid. Running away, not facing her problems—those were just habits. She was battling her demons. All the times she caved in to them didn’t make her immature—it made her _human_. She had a lot of setbacks, and she made a lot of mistakes, but she also made a lot of progress, and for once she could honestly admit: she was proud of herself. Proud of her realization, proud of her ability to try. Again and again and again.

She was brave. She tried. She confessed her feelings to Waverly. She took a risk and went on a date with her. She opened herself up to the things that she didn’t think she deserved. She allowed herself to be vulnerable. She separated herself from her mom and knew she could be different. She was here, doing this, flipping her words to be better, to grow.

She was a fighter. She wasn’t a coward because she was afraid, feeling fear just made her human. It was normal. Sometimes she found a way to escape, but she always came back. She fought for herself, for Waverly, for the things she wanted. Sometimes fear was going to win, and that was okay. But no matter what, she didn’t give up. That was what made her a fighter.

❧

_Warm. Bright. Unbelieving._

Those three words were the words Nicole used to describe the look in Waverly’s eyes. A look that she now knew as love. She could pinpoint exactly when she saw the look that had confused her for many days.

The first time she saw it was on a Wednesday. It was the morning after her night at Shorty’s, when Waverly had made her breakfast before Nicole headed to her last day of work. Waverly had given her the warm, bright, and unbelieving look as they ate breakfast, but Nicole had interrupted Waverly just she Waverly was about to say something. Was she going to tell her she loved her then?

The second time was on a Saturday morning when she attempted to replicate a leaf more horribly than she’d like to admit, and Waverly painted an elephant that looked slightly worse than that of a five-year-old’s. Nicole was standing in between Waverly’s legs, and the look reappeared. She had said, “Nicole, I—” and then she turned around quickly.

She was going to tell her that she loved her... and the instructor knew it. When Nicole went back to get the keys to the car, they were talking about. Waverly had told her that it was too complicated to tell her she loved her.

Just a couple days later, though, she did tell her.

Driving back home from her and Waverly’s favorite donut shop, Nicole thought of Waverly’s eyes before she told her—thirteen days ago now. She thought about the fear in her eyes. The _confession_ of her fear. And still. Waverly had told her that she loved her. She took a big leap and threw caution to the wind.

Waverly was brave, and Nicole loved her for it.

❧

_Learn to forgive._

Those three words seemed to be following Nicole everywhere she went. She kept being put in situations in which she could make a fuss out of something or forgive.

A woman who was walking into a grocery store as Nicole was walking out bumped into Nicole, because she was looking at her phone, causing Nicole to drop her bag of apples and spill across the sidewalk. Nicole felt that usual spark of annoyance in her chest and was about to say something rude, but when she looked up, the woman’s eyes were filled with guilt.

“I am so sorry,” the woman said, her wide and apologetic as she looked at Nicole. “I didn’t see where I was going, and I just—I’m sorry. Please, can I buy you some more?”

“No,” Nicole said, shaking her head. She put her hand on the woman’s shoulder. “It’s fine. No big deal,” she smiled. The woman continued to insist and wouldn’t have it, so she ended up buying Nicole more than enough apples, but that wasn’t what stayed with her. What stayed was how easy the conversation was because she forgave her instantly. Nicole didn’t yell and neither did the woman, and now she had enough apples to feed a village.

While maybe there wasn’t anything to forgive, Nicole had forgiven Waverly for leaving. She felt like it was something she had to forgive to move on. She just accepted that she’d left, realized it was for the best, and then threw it out of her mind.

Throughout all of this, there was one person that kept lingering like a song she disliked in the back of her mind. The only person she hadn’t forgiven. Her mom.

Nicole sat at her table, freshly showered, and tried to get herself out of what she was thinking. It was a sudden thought she’d had as she washed the conditioner off of her hair, but she had immediately dismissed it.

 _I can’t, and I won’t_ , she thought, and didn’t think about it as she got out of the shower and got ready to go fix Mr. and Mrs. Peterson’s heater. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a thought that she could just dismiss the way you waved your hand to dismiss a fly. It kept trying to get through, so after eating breakfast, she let it.

 _You need to go talk to Mom._  

The idea of reconnecting with her mom was a thought she hadn’t entertained since her dad’s funeral. To her, it was like her mother simply didn’t exist. She was just another stranger. Their relationship had broken in ways she didn’t know were possible between a mother and a daughter, and she didn’t know if it was possible to fix.

She thought about her mom often, but it was always to blame her for the problems she’d caused, the pain she’d made her dad feel, and all of the things she’d ruined. This time, when she thought about her, she felt guilt gnawing at her.

What would she even say? Would she apologize? Would her mother? The idea of talking to somebody she had blamed for so much shit practically her entire life was overwhelming. Nicole let out a deep breath as she ran her hands down her face.

Her father’s words ran through her mind _. “People make mistakes. Always find a way to forgive someone, Nic.”_

_“Why?” eight-year-old Nicole asked._

_“Because people deserve second chances, but more importantly, so that you don’t feel that ball of anger in your chest. Forgiveness is for you, sweetheart, so always find a way.”_

_“Okay, dad,” Nicole said with a smile that displayed her dimples._

_He smiled. back. “Do you promise?” he asked as he poked her stomach._

_She laughed and pushed his hand away. “I promise.”_

She couldn’t break another promise. Her dad told her to forgive people for her own sake, and not forgiving her mom, well, that had led her to where she was right now. Going to her mom and finding a way to forgive her, she just knew it was something she had to do.

Every bone was screaming at her not to go, and her soul was trying to hold her back, but it was too late. She’d already made up her mind. She was going to visit her mom, but there was one thing Nicole knew for sure.

She couldn’t do it alone.

❧

_Take the leap._

Those three words were what ran through Nicole’s mind when she saw Waverly for the second time, five days after the last time she saw her. This time, Nicole was walking around town, losing herself in her thoughts and people-watching. Waverly was looking down at her phone on the other side of the street when Nicole caught a glimpse of her hair. She turned to look at her right away, and felt her breath get caught in her throat. It was like she was looking at her for the first time.

Nicole willed herself to look away, but while she tried, she couldn’t turn her head. Her eyes were stuck on Waverly Earp, the woman she now knew she loved with every inch of her being. She thought that maybe she should walk faster so that Waverly didn’t see her, but she didn’t. She couldn’t.

After what felt like an hour, Waverly looked up from her phone, and she just happened to meet Nicole’s eyes. Nicole didn’t know what to do or how to react, so she just stopped walking. Waverly stopped too. That was when Nicole became aware of everything in between them. The people talking back and forth, the cars that could do nothing to stop their eye contact, all the obstacles that kept her from running across the street and taking Waverly into her arms to kiss her with everything she had.

Out of nowhere, without realizing what was happening, Nicole smiled at her. It was a close-lipped smile, but a grand one that made her dimples cave in, and it was like the sun had risen in her chest. Staring at Waverly in this after days of not having looked her in the eyes, Nicole felt pure and utter joy.

Waverly’s looked slightly surprised, but she smiled back. It was a sweet, almost shy smile that made Nicole’s heart speed up. Nicole looked at her for another moment, and then she started walking away. All her doubts and all her fears had evaporated.

❧

_I love you._

Those three words wanted to burst out of Nicole. She didn’t wake up that morning knowing that she was going to go to Waverly. It wasn’t planned or scheduled; it was an out of the blue decision.

After seeing Waverly across the street this morning, Nicole had gone about her day, thinking two things at all times. What she was doing, and Waverly smiling at her. She couldn’t get that image out of her mind.

She’d gotten home a while ago after working late, and now she was wrapped up in a bunch of blankets because it was freezing cold outside—you could feel it cutting you any chance it got— and her half-drunken hot chocolate sat on her nightstand. Outside, the moon was hidden by vast and angry grey clouds that were itching to burst.

Despite the cold, and the likely rain, somewhere within, Nicole knew in her gut that she had to go to Waverly. She couldn’t and _wouldn’t_ wait any longer. Every bone seemed to be screaming to go to her before it was too late.

It was time to throw caution to the wind. Time to take the leap.

She removed herself from her blanket, threw on her leather jacket, and ran to the car.

❧

_Don’t do it._

Those three words stopped Nicole halfway to Waverly’s house. The nerves and the fear were inching toward her slowly, but they were strong. The parts of her they had gotten already were long gone and under the control of her demons. They’d taken over her legs, and her foot was now stuck on the brake. She couldn’t move it.

Rain was steadily pouring down now, hitting her car the way she usually liked, but now she wished she had silence.

_Maybe I can still escape it._

Without thinking, Nicole pulled out her phone and texted the number that she hadn’t opened since that night at the bar. _Are you free tonight?_

The second she clicked send, she dropped her phone. “No,” Nicole said, shaking her head. “You’re just scared, Nic,” she muttered to herself. “You can deal with fear. You can’t escape now.”

She’d come so far. She wanted Waverly. She _loved_ Waverly.

Waverly’s words came to mind. _Every now and then you just have to jump. You have to throw caution to the wind and take a giant leap no matter how scared you are._

No matter how scared you are.

Nicole was fucking terrified, and that’s why she knew she had to stop listening to her brain and drive.

It was the things that scared you the most that ended up being your best decisions.

❧

_Get to Waverly._

Those three words became her only thought as she made a choice. Her car had broken down two thirds of the way to Waverly’s. She sat in the car as the rain poured down quickly and pounded on the window so hard she feared it would turn into hail. But she’d already made her decision earlier. She wasn’t going to listen to her brain. So, she got out of her car and stepped out into the harsh weather. A combination of the fast rain and dark sky made it difficult to see, but nothing was going to stop her.

She ran.

She ignored the vibrating in her pocket. Her burning lungs and legs. The numbness of her lips. Her tears. Her fears. The thoughts of her mother. Who she was before Waverly. She ignored it all.

She ran like the devil was chasing her, and hell, maybe it was, but this time, she would outrun it. This time, she would win.

❧

Waverly had let her in. She lead her to the bathroom and took off her clothes as a bath ran. Nicole laid in the warm bath until feeling came back to her feet, face, and fingertips. She thought about how she knew it was worth it. She thought about how she would do it all over again, next time in a hurricane for the woman she loved.

Waverly had left Nicole alone after putting her in the bath. Whether for privacy or to give her time to think, Nicole didn’t know. Now Nicole stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at herself. She took the towel off of her head and ran her fingers through her dark red tangled hair. She leaned against the sink and sighed. Waverly was just outside the door waiting for her, waiting for an explanation.

“You’ve come so far,” Nicole whispered to herself. “I know you’re scared, but... but don’t be a little bitch and do what you came for.” Without giving herself a chance to say or think anything else, Nicole walked out of the bathroom only to see Waverly on the edge of the bed with her face in her hands. When she heard Nicole, she looked up and met her eyes without hesitation. She was always unafraid to meet Nicole’s eyes and hold her position. The room was dark, and the moon was shining down on Waverly’s hair, making Nicole think of _Light My Candle._

Before she could think about her words, Nicole said, “You’re absolutely stunning.” She shook her head as if in disbelief. “I missed you so much.”

“Why are you here, Nicole?” Waverly asked. Always straight to the point. Nicole could see hope, fear, and doubt in her eyes, and the last two made that small ball of guilt settle at the pit of her stomach.

Hesitantly, Nicole sat beside Waverly, making sure to leave enough space between them. She looked down at her hands, but then she looked back up because she knew that Waverly deserved to be looked in the eyes as she said the next few words. “Waves, these past two months with you, _without_ you... they have been some of the hardest.”

Waverly clenched her jaw and looked away, hurt by the admission. Nicole grabbed her chin lightly and turned her toward her, and gave her a small, sad smile. “But they weren’t hard because of you,” she continued. “They were hard because all my demons were uncovered, and I had no choice but to figure out how to fight them, but with you, Waverly, _because_ of you,” she said as she scoot closer and lay her hand on her cheek, “I was able to get through it alive. What would’ve been an impossible battle without you became something I was more than capable of overcoming... and then you left.”

Nicole removed her hand from Waverly’s cheek. Two weeks ago her voice would’ve been harsh, filled with disappointment and betrayal, but now she understood. She knew that Waverly had made her decision for a reason, a damn good one. She reached for Waverly’s hand, and when she didn’t show any sign of retreating, Nicole grabbed it and held it with both hands before looking at her again. “I really didn’t think I could get through this by myself, that I could figure out what to do, but I did. It made me aware of this strength I have, a strength that I didn’t even know _existed_ , you know?”

Waverly nodded, a small smile playing on her face now. Waverly wasn’t saying anything, but Nicole could see, could almost _feel_ , that Waverly had missed her too. It gave her hope to continue.

“I know now that I’m capable of doing this alone, but the thing is, I don’t _want_ to do it alone.” Tears gathered in her eyes, but she didn’t blink them away. “I want you by my side every day because Waverly... I love you.” This time, tears gathered in Waverly’s eyes. “I love you more than I thought was possible for a human to love another human, and I want you to be mine. I want to be _yours_.”

“You do?” Waverly asked as a tear escaped her eye.

“So badly.”

Without hesitance, Waverly launched herself at Nicole and hugged her neck tightly, crying into her shoulders. This time, Nicole hugged her tight and made sure to whisper words of comfort in her ear. This time, she was her rock.

“I’m so sorry,” Nicole said as she hugged Waverly’s head close to her. Tears were sliding down her cheeks and chin and landed on Waverly’s back. “I know I’ve apologized over and over again, but I’m still sorry. I promise you that I will never leave again, not for as long as you want me. I promise that I will always make you feel worthy and never intentionally hurt you. I promise that I will always talk with you. I promise that I will always love you. I don’t want to go back to who I was.”

Waverly squeezed her neck to let her know that she had heard. After a moment, Waverly pulled back and she looked at Nicole. “I love you too, but Nicole, I’ve  _always_ been yours.”

Nicole let out a shaky breath and couldn’t wait any longer. As if being pulled by a magnet, she drew closer to Waverly and kissed her soft lips with as much love as she could muster. It was a passionate, messy, and fast kiss that made her heart pound in her ears.

Quickly, Waverly pushed her tongue into Nicole’s mouth and pushed her back to lay on the bed. Nicole moaned into Waverly’s mouth, and she wrapped her arms around Waverly’s waist to hold her tight against her. It was clear that neither of them wanted to waste any time. She brought her hands lower and tugged at Waverly’s shirt. Waverly didn’t hesitate to pull herself up, still sitting on Nicole’s hips, and take off her shirt herself so that Nicole was left to look at her bare body.

“I’m yours,” Waverly said, her eyes dark and voice huskier than normal. “So take me.”

 _Yes, ma’am_ , Nicole thought, and she sat up to flip them over. She laid herself on top of Waverly, and kissed her hard. Nicole moved her hands and lips across her breasts, and stomach, and waist, not wanting to miss a spot. They helped each other take off the rest of their clothes, and after a few moments, they were both completely uncovered. They moaned each other’s names until the sun came shining in through the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Let me know what’s running through that beautiful mind of yours
> 
> Chapter 11 should be up sometime next week, and if you read Crazy Weather (Crazier Love) that will be up soon too, so keep an eye out!
> 
> If you want to talk or got any questions, you can reach me on Twitter @writinginmind :-)


	11. Strawberry (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII — told you I’d have this up this week, right? Just took a little longer than expected...
> 
> So, this fic will be 13 chapters long because chapter 11 ended up being about 12k words, and I decided to split it into two parts!
> 
> I’m at my grandma’s for the holidays, so I really had to scramble to get one last read-through, but I did it!! Thank you to my betas—thegayestearp and 8twelve—for editing!! 8Twelve couldn’t said no because of the holidays, but she edited anyway, and I’m so grateful! 
> 
> That said...
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole opened her eyes slowly, blinking a few times until the room came into focus along with the memories of last night. Her car breaking down. The burning in her legs as it rained. Getting to Waverly’s front door. Telling her she loved her. Had she really done that? The room was quiet, a sign that the rain had stopped sometime in the past few hours or so, but the room was also dark, which meant that there were still probably dark clouds covering the sun. She knew snowfall would begin again soon.

She suddenly became all too aware of the naked body in her arms. Her front was pressed to Waverly’s back, and over them was a sheet. Nicole couldn’t help but notice, as she had multiple times before, how perfect their bodies fit together. A chill ran through her body, and she pulled Waverly closer to her before digging her face in her hair. She breathed in Waverly’s scent—a mixture of coconut and sweat—and pondered over yesterday.

She had done it. She’d ran through a rainstorm to tell Waverly Earp that she loved her, and now they were tangled in bed together. The way it was supposed to be. How Nicole had managed the last few weeks with zero contact with Waverly was beyond her, but now that she was with her, she felt a new sense of appreciation for her. She focused on the feel of Waverly’s stomach, soft, toned, and warm, her scent, her smooth leg hidden in between hers. She would never take for granted the woman in her arms ever again.

Then, there was last night (and this morning). They’d spent those hours making love, taking short naps in between, then waking up to do it all over again. They laughed softly and smiled and moaned and groaned in pleasure. Nicole knew she was sporting love bites on her chest, and Waverly on her collarbone. If Nicole ran her tongue over her bottom lip, she knew the edge would sting because Waverly had got a bit carried away with her playful nipping. Not that she was complaining, of course. The sex had been more than the pleasure. Last night, they’d been at their most vulnerable—completely exposed beyond their bare bodies. It was connection in more ways than one, and Nicole felt like she’d been herself more than she’d ever been before.

Thinking about it, a shiver ran down Nicole’s body, and she wanted to be closer to Waverly, so she hugged her impossibly tighter. She scrunched her nose at her own indelicacy when Waverly scooted back against her too, and whispered, “Morning.”

“I’m sorry,” Nicole whispered, unwilling to break their bubble of warmth and comfort. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“S’fine,” Waverly said. Her voice was still thick with slumber, and she was obviously not ready to wake up, but she turned around in Nicole’s arms. “You cold?” Her eyes remained closed.

Nicole couldn’t prevent the smile that stretched her lips. Tired Waverly was one of her favorite Waverly’s. Her voice was huskier than usual, and every now and then, when she was tired beyond her limits, she stuttered and stumbled upon her words in a way Nicole found amusing. She didn’t open her eyes for about five minutes, but still managed to speak, and she was more cuddly than normal. Waverly slid her leg in between Nicole’s again, and snuck her way under her chin. “I’m getting warmer now,” Nicole said.

When Waverly didn’t answer, Nicole said, “It’s Christmas Eve today.” She felt Waverly’s eyelashes tickle her neck as she opened them, and held back a laugh. Only Waverly _would_ open her eyes after hearing that. She was surprised she wasn’t jolting her head back with excitement, reacting the way a five-year-old would if given an energy drink.

Eventually, Waverly did pull her head back, and she met Nicole’s eyes. She didn’t say anything. She just laid there, and stared into them as if studying a star-filled sky and its constellations, trying to unravel the galaxies’ secrets. The wonder Waverly was looking at her with made a ball of warmth settle in her chest, and she felt like her heart had grown three sizes bigger. She was searching deep inside, and Nicole was reminded of the vulnerability of last night. She forced herself to remain eye contact as to not break the moment until Waverly was ready.

“I missed you,” Waverly finally said. She reached up and tucked stray hairs behind Nicole’s ear. “ _So_ much.” The action made Nicole’s heart beat as fast as a hummingbird's wing. She feared it would take flight and make a hole in her chest. _At least_ , she thought, _I would die happy_.

Nicole kissed her forehead, “I know, baby. I missed you, too.”

Waverly eyed Nicole. “Did you just call me ‘baby’?”

“I—uhh,” Nicole blushed, and she ducked her head. “I guess I did.”

Waverly tilted her head back up and smiled. “You don’t have to be embarrassed,” she whispered.

“I know, but it’s a little weird when you point it out,” Nicole said, a soft laugh escaping her lips.

“Sorry,” Waverly chuckled. After a moment, she added. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Nicole bit her lip, her promise to Waverly, to tell her everything, flashing through her mind. “Last night—” Nicole looked at Waverly, who nodded in encouragement to continue—“was... inexplicable.” She let out a soft laugh. “I don’t think I know the words to describe it.”

“Don’t worry,” Waverly said with a glint in her eye. “You don’t have to because, whatever it was, I felt it, too.”

Nicole leaned her head against Waverly, their noses only a centimeter apart. Nicole didn’t know if she could ever let go of Waverly. She wanted to be closer and _closer_. “I hope to share more moments like that with you.”

Waverly leaned forward and closed the small gap between the two of them. She took Nicole’s bottom lip between her own, and kissed her slow with intent. She ran her tongue on the bottom of Nicole’s lip, who opened her mouth to let Waverly into the place she’d already familiarized herself with. Waverly drew their bodies closer, and then left her hand behind Nicole’s head. After a few moments, Waverly pulled back, and spoke. “Before we take this any further, there’s still more running through that head of yours. I can feel it.”

“There always is, it seems,” Nicole said. She didn’t respond, letting Waverly think she was gathering her thoughts when in reality she was just trying to stop herself from jumping Waverly’s bones again. She disentangled herself from Waverly, and laid on her back. She remained covered because she really _was_ getting cold now. She stared at the ceiling as she spoke, her voice still silent enough for them to remain in their bubble. “I can’t believe I’m calling you my girlfriend.” She turned her head to face Waverly, who was still on her side, but was now laying on her arm and smiling.

“I know it sounds ridiculous—”

“You know that I don’t think it’s ridiculous,” Waverly said. “Not with everything I know.”

Nicole nodded and extended a hand for Waverly to take. When Waverly did, Nicole continued, this time looking at her again.. “I was afraid of love and being with someone for so long, and I can’t help be in awe of where I am now. When I told you I loved you yesterday, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when I felt relief, I felt, well, _relieved_ that that was what I felt, you know?” Waverly nodded. “I was terrified coming over here, but your words kept playing in my mind. ‘Take the leap. Throw caution to the wind,’ and I listened. I didn’t care that it was raining, that my legs were burning, I just knew I had to get to you.”

“Very romantic, by the way,” Waverly said, a teasing smile on her face.

Nicole laughed. “One of my finer moments, I think. If I’m being honest, I almost went back home.” Nicole bit her lip. “There was still that voice telling me to go, but I didn’t want to be who I was anymore. I like who I am now, who I’m growing into. I like that I can tell you that I love you.” To Nicole’s surprise, a tear escaped Waverly’s eye and fell onto her pillow. “Even if I do have some demons still lingering around, trying to find someway to break free, they’re not going to stop me anymore. I might stumble and fall sometimes, but I’m not going back to rock bottom,” Nicole said as she shook her head. “I love you, Waves.”

“Will you be mad at me if after that heartfelt speech, I just jump your bones and kiss you?”

Nicole grinned, and he dimples caved in deeply. “Not at all.”

So, Waverly did just that.

❧

Purgatory, despite its name, was the type of town that went all out during Christmas (not Halloween, like one expected). The small town was, as Nicole had said, a place where your problems were magnified. Almost everything seemed like the end of the world, but during Christmas, it was like everyone put those problems on hold and let themselves take a breath.

It was tradition to spend the night of the 23rd decorating the town, though Nicole was unaware as to when the tradition had begun. All the shops, even Shorty’s, put up lights on the front of their stores, and decorated inside with Christmas trees, red ribbon, and figurines of reindeer and candy canes. Street lamps were tangled in tinsel, and Christmas hats were perched on top of them. When you passed by shops with open doors, Christmas songs would fill your ears, and you couldn’t help but slow your pace to hear as much as you could. It was like the town was transformed into something entirely different, something that someone could fall in love with.

It was Nicole’s favorite thing about Purgatory, and she couldn’t wait to share the experience with Waverly, who was spending her first Christmas in the small town.

“Whoa,” Waverly said, her eyes wide with excitement like a child seeing the world for the first time. “Who are you and what did you do to Purgatory?” she asked the town. Her arm was looped in Nicole’s arm as they walked with no destination in mind, and she gave it a squeeze. “I love Christmas.”

“Me too.” In the beginning, Nicole was afraid that maybe their relationship would be a little awkward, that everything she’d done may have strained what they had, but she was wrong. Their relationship was actually better than before. Though it wasn’t obvious before, looking back, Nicole couldn’t believe the weight they were both carrying on their shoulders. Nicole had her demons, and Waverly had her secret love. They didn’t have that weight anymore, and Nicole felt like the smile on her face would never disappear. “Why do you love it?” she asked. She knew Waverly well by now, but there was still so much to discover.

“It’s always been my favorite,” Waverly said. “When I was young, it was mostly because of the presents, of course,” she laughed. “But now, it’s still my favorite. Christmas feels like magic. It’s something you can feel in the air, something familiar and warm like the first sip of hot chocolate on a December night. The best part, though, is the connection. You can’t help but be reminded of the special people in your life, whether it’s your parents, siblings, or friends.

“It’s like we all open our eyes to the possibility around us. The chance to tell our parents we’re grateful for them, to tell our friends they’ve made us proud...” she trailed off to look at Nicole, and squeezed her hand. “To confess our feelings, our love to those who have our heart.”

Nicole looked down shyly, and Waverly chuckled at that. When Nicole looked back up, and with hesitance, she asked, “Do you think that you can rekindle old relationships during Christmas?”

Waverly slowed down at her comment but didn’t stop. Nicole knew she’d catch on fast. “I think you can rekindle old relationships whenever you think you’re ready,” Waverly answered. She looked at Nicole as they passed shop displays with Christmas trees, creepy Santa Claus floats, and ugly Christmas sweaters. “Talk to me, baby,” Waverly said with a warm smile.

Nicole led Waverly to a bench, and they sat after ridding some of the snow on it. Waverly kept her arm tangled with Nicole’s to keep warm. Cars drove back and forth in front of them, and across the streets, parent’s walked with their kids hand in hand for last minute Christmas shopping. As Nicole’s eyes became far away in thought, she said. “I’ve been thinking about, maybe, I don’t know... talking... to my mom. I haven’t spoken to her in years.” Nicole let out a deep breath as she turned to Waverly. “I think it’s time I forgive her once and for all. I don’t know... maybe we have a chance at a relationship.”

Waverly smiled in reassurance and squeezed Nicole’s arm. “I think that sounds like an amazing idea.”

“You do?” Nicole asked, biting her lip.

Waverly nodded with a smile, but then it faltered. “You know, despite everything, I would do anything to speak to my mom again.”

The words made a small ache appear in Nicole’s chest. “Maybe we can—”

“No,” Waverly said, sighing as she dropped her head on Nicole’s shoulder. “That boat has sailed. There’s nothing we can do.”

Nicole turned and kissed Waverly’s head. “I’m sorry, Waves. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what, an unconditional love.”

Waverly turned to face Nicole, and in a vulnerable voice asked, “Will you be the one to give me that?”

It was there in the back of her mind. The fear. The demons... but they were miniscule. A simple look into Waverly’s eyes destroyed them. It was then that Nicole knew. Her fight was over. She’d won. “I will.” Nicole smiled and after a second thought, added. “I promise.”

Waverly kissed Nicole softly. “When are you going to see your mom?”

Nicole leaned back against the bench, looking at the snow, and the people walking around them. “I was thinking the day after Christmas.”

“So soon?” Waverly asked.

“I just want to get it over with.” Nicole bit her lip, “But I was wondering if you would, um, go with me?” She looked away as she asked.

“To visit your mom?” Waverly asked with surprise in her eyes.

“Yeah. Unless you don’t want to, of course. Maybe it’s too soon, you know, after everything, but I thought I would ask, just in—”

“No babe, I’d love to go with you.”

“Yeah?” Nicole asked as she looked into Waverly’s eyes to make sure she was serious.

“Of course!”

“I just—I know I can do this alone, but I don’t _want_ to. I want you there.”

Waverly touched Nicole’s cheek and ran her thumb over her cheekbone. “You’ve got me. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

Nicole kissed her lips lightly, and then sighed in relief. “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Waverly said as she left a peck on her nose. “And Nicole, you don’t have to worry about anything being too soon. I know that you’re afraid of being afraid, but I can see it in your eyes. Something has changed within—”

“Me,” Nicole sang.

Waverly laughed. “Yes, something’s changed within you. It’s like you let go of everything you were afraid of, and when you got the end, you realized you were gonna be okay.”

“You scare me, Waverly Earp,” Nicole said. “But I also trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone.”

“And I will try my best to make sure I never do anything to compromise that trust.”

Nicole smiled. “It’s all I could ask for.”

❧

It was the best Christmas Nicole had in years. She woke up on the twenty-fifth with her favorite person in her arms, and ended the night the same way.

Nicole kissed Waverly’s face to wake her up, starting with her nose, then her forehead, both cheeks, and everywhere in between until Waverly opened her eyes. When Nicole met her eyes, butterflies took flight in her stomach. She would never get over the way this woman made her feel.

Once they were awake, they had breakfast in their ugly Christmas sweaters and kissed under the mistletoe (they both tasted like syrup and strawberries). After, they drank hot chocolate as they opened presents. Michael Bublé sang about having a Holly Jolly Christmas. They talked about anything and everything on the floor by the Christmas tree, which was Harry Potter themed. They’d bought the tree together, but Nicole had decorated it during her time alone.

The Harry Potter movies were some of Waverly’s favorite, and naturally, Nicole thought it would make a good idea for a tree. She bought ornaments with Harry’s glasses and famous scar, wand-shaped ones, and the tinsel was red and yellow. On top of the tree, rather than a star, there was a small replica of the house cup. Waverly had squealed when she saw the tree after arriving to Nicole’s home.

They spent the entire day in a state of bliss. They lived in their own bubble—just like they had the morning before—even when they were out in public, looking at all the decorated homes as they held hands, and ice skating. Nicole was just as terrible as she was on their first date, and Waverly had to catch her from falling on more than one occasion. Nicole swore she was bad this time around because her legs were sore from running to Waverly yesterday.

“You know,” Nicole said as she sat on the ice. “Yesterday... when I ran in the rain... to tell you I love you...?”

Waverly rolled her eyes. “You _suck_ , Nicole. Accept it.”

“Okay, but my legs _are_ sore,” Nicole muttered under breath as Waverly helped her up.

“Don’t worry,” Waverly said as she started to ice skate away. “I’ll never forget yesterday, and what you did.” She turned around and winked, “And I’m not talking about how you ran in the rain.”

Nicole smirked as she began skating toward Waverly, before she slipped. She dropped her smirk, and Waverly laughed.

Once they’d finished ice skating, they drove to Nicole’s, and spent the rest of the night eating danish butter cookies and watching Christmas movies in between kissing and talking. They went to bed that night and redid what they had the night before. It was just as special.

The entire day, Nicole didn’t think about her plan for the next day. As day turned to night, and when the thought tried to sneak into her mind like a robber, she’d push it aside and focus on Waverly. She was having the greatest day, doing all the cliché things, and nothing was going to ruin that.

Nicole, despite the day being over—which meant she was only one sleep away from traveling to her mother—went to bed with a smile on her face and a bare Waverly in her arms. The day had been special not because it was Christmas, but because Waverly had been with her.

The amazing thing was that they could spend the day inside, reading, and doing boring things, and Nicole would _still_ be happy because she was with Waverly.

With that last thought, she succumbed to sleep.

❧

Nicole woke up with a ball of nerves settled at the pit of her stomach, but as soon as she got a whiff of Waverly’s coconut scent, her fast-beating heart slowed. She wrapped her arm tighter around Waverly’s warm waist.

“Are you trying to suffocate me in my sleep?” Waverly muttered. “If you don’t want me to go with you today, you just have to tell me.”

Nicole chuckled and loosened her hold on Waverly. “Sorry,” she said before kissing the back of Waverly’s head.

Waverly turned to face Nicole, and that was when Nicole noticed the three blankets over them. Waverly must’ve gotten them in the middle of the night. “I know you’re nervous, but you got this,” Waverly said.

“But what if I don’t?” Nicole asked, her eyes filled with doubt. “What if I don’t know what to say or what if she doesn’t forgive me? What if I can’t forgive her?”

“You already have,” Waverly said. “You just want closure to open opportunities. You want her to know you forgave her, but you already have, babe.”

“No, I didn’t,” Nicole said, sighing. “I told myself that I did, that I’d forgiven her for what she’d done, but I haven’t, not really. I feel a lot less angry than I used to, but I can still feel a small ball of anger when I think about her, and I’m afraid that it won’t go away.”

“You’re underestimating the size of your kind heart,” Waverly said, placing her hand over Nicole’s heart. “You can forgive her. You have to... for you.”

Nicole smiled at that. “That’s what my dad used to tell me. To forgive people not for their sake, but for my own.”

Waverly gave her a small smile. “You never talk about him.”

“Maybe another day?” Nicole asked, willing the tears to stay in. “I don’t think I could handle it today.”

“Whenever you’re ready, love.” Waverly pecked her lips. “But we should get up if we want to make the flight in time.” As if on cue, the alarm they’d set last night rang. “Yeah, we really have to get up.”

“Wait,” Nicole said. Waverly, who was already standing up, sat back down.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Nicole bit her lip as she rested her head on the palm of her hand. “I just—this isn’t weird, right?”

“What isn’t weird?” Waverly asked with narrowed eyes.

“This,” Nicole said as she gestured lazily between her and Waverly. “Just two days ago I hadn’t seen you for two weeks, and now I’m asking you to meet my mom.”

Waverly laughed. “Are you asking if it’s weird that after all this time, this feels so natural? You’re expecting it to be harder, right?”

Nicole nodded.

“It’s natural because it’s _meant_ to be natural,” Waverly said with a smile. “We’ve already been here, Nicole. We were already together, remember? The only difference now is that you’re unafraid to tell me you love me, and I can say it, too. Things don’t always have to be hard. Sometimes you can just fall back to normal.”

“But we were never normal.”

“Maybe not,” Waverly said, “but even though it felt like the world was against us, we were good. We were in love, whether we labeled it or not, whether we said it or not.”

Nicole let out a hum as she pondered over Waverly’s words. “Yeah, I guess we were.”

“No ‘guess’. We were,” Waverly said as she stood again. “Come on, let’s take a shower.”

Nicole threw the blanket off of herself, and ignored the sudden cool air that wrapped around her naked body. “Don’t have to tell me twice.”

❧

The walk to the plane was done almost subconsciously. Nicole walked with Waverly’s hand in hers, but it was the only thing she allowed herself to register. She used the feel of her warm fingers entangled in between hers to keep her grounded like meditation. She focused on the way that her fingertips rested on her knuckles, the softness of her thumb as Waverly moved it back and forth slowly to smooth her, and the safety holding Waverly’s hand brought her. All of her thoughts were on that as they walked passed people and onto the plane. Everything else besides Waverly was a blur.

It wasn’t until they were seated beside each other that Nicole finally allowed herself to come back to reality.

“Hey, look at me,” Waverly said. “You’re okay,”

Nicole nodded and clenched her jaw. _I’m okay_ , she thought. _I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay_. The flight was only two hours and she wasn’t tired, but once the plane was safely in the sky, she unbuckled her seatbelt to lay her head on Waverly’s shoulder and slept the whole way through. It didn’t matter how okay she was, she didn’t want to feel the nerves in her stomach.

However, it seemed that even in her dreams she was unable to escape the thought of meeting her mother for the first time in six years.

In the dreams, Nicole walked into her childhood home with Waverly lingering behind her, and her mom would be on the couch kissing a man that wasn’t her father. In another, Nicole would step into the home again, and she’d see her mom, and everything would be fine... until they started talking. The calm talking would lead to arguing, and the arguing would lead to Nicole telling her mother she could never forgive her before walking out of the house and slamming the door behind her. In the final dream, she went into the house again, but this time her dad was there. He was sitting on the couch, and he had tears streaming down his broken face. Her mom was on her knees, apologizing and begging for forgiveness, but her dad simply got up and left—walked right through Nicole.

Two hours later, Waverly awoke Nicole, and Nicole only felt dread in her chest.

❧

Nicole didn’t want to think about the dread in her chest. She didn’t want to think about the dreams. So as if a switch was flipped, she focused on reaching her mom like it was some sort of a life-or-death mission. They were still a good forty minutes away from her mom’s home, and Nicole asked Waverly if she could be the one to drive.

“Uh—you sure that’s a good idea?” Waverly asked as she put their shared suitcase in the back of the rental car. They would only be staying the night, and leave tomorrow.

“Yeah,” Nicole said, furrows on her forehead. “Why wouldn’t it be okay?”

Waverly closed the trunk. “Well, you have a tendency of driving a little too fast when you’re angry.”

“I’m not angry,” Nicole said, anger sparking in her chest.

Waverly walked toward Nicole and smiled softly as she grabbed grasped the front of her sweater. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?” Nicole clenched her jaw and looked away.

“You’re getting angry so that you don’t feel anything else.”

Nicole stopped at the words, and let her shoulders slump. “Shit. You’re right.” She let out a defeated sigh as she leaned her forehead against Waverly’s. “I’m sorry. Old habits die hard, I guess.”

Waverly gave Nicole a quick kiss. “So I’ll drive?”

“You drive.” Nicole kissed Waverly again, this time for a beat longer. “I’ll never get tired of doing that.”

“Me neither,” Waverly said. “Now let’s get going. I want to have breakfast first, if that’s okay?” She stepped into the driver’s seat, and Nicole, who was outside the car, rested her arm on top of the driver’s door.

“‘Course it’s okay, but you’ll be eating alone. I don’t think my stomach can handle any food,” she smiled sadly before walking to the other side to get into the passenger’s seat. She connected her phone to the aux cord as Waverly turned on the car and heat.

“What do you want to listen to?” Nicole asked. “Rock n’ roll, 80’s, indie, r&b—”

“Pop,” Waverly said. “I think we could both sing ‘thank u, next’ at the top of our lungs right now.” Nicole laughed and nodded in agreement before playing the song. They both knew the lyrics by heart and sang loudly. She was glad their music tastes ranged all over the place. Most rides were filled with singing their hearts to with whatever genre they were feeling that day, and it was something Nicole never got bored of.

“ _She taught me love, she taught me patience, she handles pain, that shits amazing_!” Nicole sang, voice cracking more than once. She didn’t care, and neither did Waverly—despite her angelic voice. They spent the rest of the way blasting pop music and singing so badly, they’d both be left laughing. They had pure and simple fun that washed away all of Nicole’s worries.

When Waverly pulled into a diner, Nicole was wiping tears from her eyes. “God, I love you,” she said. “Thanks for that idea. It was exactly what I needed.”

“Me too,” Waverly said. “I _did_ almost crashed though...” About halfway through, Waverly was laughing too hard at a particular crack in Nicole’s voice that she leaned forward into the steering wheel and swayed too much to the left. She got a little too close the woman driving in the lane beside them.

“Yeah, I’ve never seen a person look so angry before. She left her middle finger in the air until I couldn’t see her anymore,” Nicole laughed, holding her stomach to ease the pain of laughter.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be laughing about an almost car-crash,” Waverly said, laughing anyway.

Nicole shrugged. “We avoided it, who cares?” However, one look at the diner Waverly had parked in, and her laughter ceased at once.

“Hey,” Waverly said, her own laughter replaced with worry. Nicole’s eyes were faraway, trapped in memories like they were prison cells. “What’s wrong?”

“This diner,” Nicole said, her voice oddly catatonic. “We used to come here every Saturday morning. Me and my dad.” She was so lost in the laughter that she hadn’t paid attention to where Waverly was driving. “We used to wake up at six and ride our bikes over here every Saturday without fail for five years. The waitresses and waiters knew what we liked, they had my allergies memorized, and they always gave me a free strawberry milkshake, and him a free strawberry cone. They didn’t sell them until he admitted that he wasn’t a fan of shakes. We came in one Saturday, and I can remember the smile and surprise on his face when they gave me my shake, and him, a strawberry cone,” she smiled at the memory. “It had been like my second home until my dad left the house the day he found out about my mom. I came by myself sometimes after that, and a handful of times with my dad, but our ritual had been broken. I, uh, haven’t been back since my dad died.” She looked at Waverly now, eyes back to reality.

“Shit,” Waverly muttered under her breath. “I’m sorry, I should’ve asked you,” Waverly said, her voice laced with guilt. “We can go somewhere else if you want.” She put her hand on Nicole’s thigh.

“No, it’s fine,” Nicole said as she looked at the diner. “I want to go inside.”

“Are you sure?” Waverly asked, biting her lip.

Nicole thought about it for a moment, but then she looked at Waverly with a smile that eased her guilt. “Positive.”

Waverly nodded, and they both stepped out of the car. Nicole took Waverly’s hand, and gave it a squeeze to reassure her that she was okay. When they walked into the diner, Nicole was taken back in time. She was nine-years-old again and holding her dad’s hand as they walked to their usual seats at the bar. Elvis was playing on the speaker, and she bobbed her head along to the familiar beat. Her dad had been a huge Elvis fan.

“Tell me I’m not seeing things,” a woman behind the bar said, breaking Nicole out of her thoughts.

Nicole looked at her and her mouth almost dropped. “Marilyn?”

“Nicole Haught,” Marilyn said in her usual loud voice, shaking her head in disbelief. “Look at you!”

Nicole laughed, and let go of Waverly’s hand to hug Marilyn. She looked the same—her face friendly, her one crooked tooth, and the, coincidentally, mole on her right cheek—only her hair was completely white now. “Oh my God,” Nicole said. “I can’t believe you’re still here.”

“I’m not _that_ old,” Marilyn said.

“That’s not what I meant,” Nicole said, laughing, but she didn’t miss the way Marilyn was blinking back tears.

“I know, hun, I’m just teasin’ you. Now tell me,” she said as she looked behind Nicole and pointed, “who’s that pretty girl over there?”

Nicole turned and smiled as Waverly walked over to them. Nicole slid her arm around Waverly’s waist, and said, “This is my girlfriend—” Nicole’s heart skipped a beat—“Waverly.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Waverly,” Marilyn said as she shook Waverly’s hand. “Lucky for you, I’ve got some great things to tell you about young Haught.”

“Oh, no,” Nicole said, covering her face with her hands. Her mind looked for the embarrassing stories she had, and hoped that none of them were too bad. “Let’s just go.”

Waverly laughed. “No way in hell that’s happening, babe.” Nicole shook her head, and led Waverly to the familiar seats at the bar, which were empty.

“This is where I used to sit with my dad,” Nicole told Waverly when they got to the very middle of the bar where they could see everything going on in the kitchen. “I sat here, and he sat—” her words got caught in her throat when she saw it. She looked up at Marylin who was now behind the bar.

“You never came back,” Marilyn said, tears pooling in her eyes again. “I never got the chance to show you.”

On the edge of the bar, right where her dad used to sit, a plaque read: _Benjamin Haught, Lover of strawberry ice cream cones, 1964-2012_.

Nicole ran her thumb across the name, and didn’t stop the tear that escaped her eye. “I couldn’t. The memories were too strong.”

“He was a good man, your dad,” Marilyn said.

Nicole took a deep breath, and nodded. “I miss him,” she said.

“Me too, kid.”

“You want to sit here?” Waverly asked softly.

Nicole shook her head. “The person I loved most in the world sat there. Tt’s only fitting that you sit there, too.”

Waverly nodded and left a long kiss on Nicole’s forehead. Nicole looked at Marilyn again. “Thank you for honoring him.”

Marilyn grabbed her hand from across the bar. “God took him too soon. It was the least we could do.”

Nicole gave her a curt nod, and she looked back at the plaque, but this time she chuckled. “Love of strawberry ice cream cones. The perfect touch.” Marilyn winked, and after Waverly and Nicole sat, she took their order. Marilyn kept her promise—despite the fact that she should’ve been working—and told Waverly all of the embarrassing stories she could remember, including the time Nicole threw up on the floor after eating too many fries. She’d been strongly advised not to, but she had always been stubborn.

When the manager told Marilyn she had to get back to work, she told him, “Kid, I’ve been working here for forty years now. I think I’ve earned a break,” and got back to talking to Waverly and Nicole. When they were done eating, Marilyn gave the couple a free strawberry milkshake each and winked.

When the manager told her she couldn’t give away free things whenever she pleased, she told him, “Kid, I’ve been working for longer than you’ve been alive. I think I’ve earned the right to give my favorite customer a free goddamn milkshake.” Once again, the young man snapped his mouth shut and walked away. She was the one person he would never be able to control.

Before Waverly took a sip of her shake, she turned to Nicole and held it midair. “To your dad,” she said. Nicole smiled and clinked her cup with hers.

“To my dad.”

Once they finished their milkshakes, the couple said goodbye to Marilyn and promised they’d visit more often. The couple got into the car and drove away, this time to the destination that had given Nicole nightmares in the plane. Instead of letting the dread and fear settle into her chest again, she held onto the light in her mind, in her heart, and in her soul. She focused on the beautiful snow, Waverly’s smile, and what had just happened in the diner. She also thought about her dad, and this time, without a heavy heart that would surely make her breakdown, she thought about the good times she shared with him, and the memories that hadn’t gotten the chance to be shared yet.

❧

Waverly pulled into the driveway, the hum of the car now off and leaving them in utter silence. Nicole knew that Waverly was waiting for her to make the first move, but Nicole needed a moment. She looked at the house she hadn’t visited since she’d moved out at eighteen. After she moved out, her and her mother had a relationship for about another year, but after that, there was nothing. She hadn’t seen her mom in six years, but she hadn’t had a relationship with her for eight. Contrary to the diner, which hadn’t changed much, the house looked completely different. It looked older, like it had ran a marathon and now it was worn out.

 _Strong. Brave. Fighter. That’s what I am_ , Nicole thought. Then, her father's words, _Forgive everyone_. Finally, Waverly’s. _Take the leap_. “Okay,” Nicole muttered.

Waverly laid her hand on Nicole’s thigh. “You’ve overcome so much in your life. You can do this, too. I’ll be here. Every step of the way, remember?”

Nicole put her hand over Waverly’s and gave it a squeeze. “I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to be by my side,” she smiled. Waverly got out of the car, and Nicole gulped. It seemed like suddenly she was glues in her seat. Waverly opened her door and stuck out her hand. “Let’s go, my love.”

Looking into Waverly’s eyes brought her comfort, and Nicole latched onto her hand as if it were the only thing around to save her from falling down a cliff. Nicole walked with Waverly to the front door. Nicole steps were slower than usual, but Waverly was patient and never once let go of her hand.

When they reached the front door, Nicole glanced at Waverly, who nodded in encouragement. It wasn’t until then that Nicole realized that Waverly, too, was nervous. Although, Nicole wasn’t entirely sure for what. Her mom would adore her. _Everyone_ adored her.

“You’re nervous,” Nicole said, an endeared smile on her face in spite of everything.

“I know this isn’t the reason we’re here, but if— _when_ —you and your mom figure things out, she has to like me, you know? I want to make a good first impression.”

“Have you met yourself?” Nicole asked with an eyebrow raise. “You’re literally impossible to dislike.”

“You’re biased.”

Nicole lifted her hand and made an “a little” sign.

Waverly laughed and brought Nicole’s hand up to kiss it.

Nicole noted that as the end of their stalling conversation, so she lifted her hand and knocked hesitantly. When no one came to the door, she knocked louder.

“ _Coming_!” her mom said.

Nicole’s heart stopped. Waverly squeezed her hand.

The door opened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think is gonna go down with Nicole’s mom?? You scared? Let me know in the comments!
> 
> Part 2 of chapter 11 will be up the first week of January :-)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, and I’ll see you guys soon! Happy holidays!! ❤️


	12. Strawberry (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY we get to see what happens when Nicole sees her mom after six years of no contact...
> 
> Happy reading :-)

Nicole’s mom stood on the other side of the door. Her hair was grayer than when Nicole had last seen her, and she had bags under her eyes, but other than that... she looked normal. Nicole wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but normal wasn’t it.

“Nicole,” her mom gasped. Her eyes were wide, and her mouth was agape. “Wha... oh my... I—just— _look at you_.” Tears had gathered in her eyes quickly, and she let them fall freely.

Nicole swallowed. “Hi, mom.”

It was all it took for her mom to lean forward and wrap her arms around Nicole. Nicole, to her own surprise, just let it happen, and after a moment, she wrapped her arms around her moms body. She felt uncomfortable when her mom began to cry a little louder, and she pulled back slowly.

“I’m sorry,” her mom said, wiping under her eyes and gaining control over herself. She breathed in deeply, and calmed. “I didn’t mean to bombard you like that. I just can’t believe you’re here after... after all this time.” Her eyes were a chaotic scene. Nicole could see loud and screaming shock, swirls of joy lingering behind it, sparks of sadness like colorless fireworks, and everything else in between. “You’ve grown so much. You’re just as beautiful as I remember, darling.”

Nicole looked away shyly. “Thank you.”

Her mom nodded, and after a beat of awkward silence, asked, “Who’s this?” while she looked at Waverly.

Waverly extended her hand with a small but warm smile. “I’m Waverly Earp, Miss...” She’d forgotten to ask Nicole what her mother’s maiden name had been.

“Miss Carter.”

“Miss Carter,” Waverly said. They shook hands.

“Waverly’s my girlfriend,” Nicole said, a smile on her face.

“Well in that case, you can call me Jenna,” she said with a friendly smile. If Nicole could read her mind, she would know that her mom, too, wanted to make a good first impression on Waverly. “Why don’t you two come in? It’s freezing out here.”

Nicole bit her lip, and they followed her mom inside. Her home was an entirely different home. The furniture wasn’t the same, and the color of the walls were lighter. Nicole would’ve thought it was a stranger’s home if it weren’t for pictures of her hung up in the hallway. They passed one of Nicole at seven years old, smiling with a tooth missing, one at ten with her mom at the park, and more.

“You were the cutest,” Waverly whispered after looking at a picture of Nicole on a carousel horse at four years old, grinning like she’d just seen Santa Claus.

“But I’m cuter now, right?” Nicole asked.

Waverly looked at the picture and then back at Nicole, “Ehh.”

Nicole raised an eyebrow. “I’ll remember that.”

They continued toward the living room where Nicole’s mom was waiting. She was standing, clasping and unclasping her hands. “Can I get you anything to eat or to drink?” Jenna asked. She suddenly looked nervous, and that was something Nicole could relate to.

“I’m good, thank you,” Waverly said as Nicole said, “No, it’s okay.” Nicole was tempted to say that they’d eaten at the diner, just to hurt her mom, but she pushed it down. That wasn’t fair to her, and it was a cruel thing to even think of.

“Okay,” Jenna said. She sat down, and nobody spoke. They all became aware of the awkward tension in the air, and Nicole suddenly wanted to leave. Truth be told she would’ve gotten up and left if her mom hadn’t spoken. “Nic, why—”

Nicole flinched. “Don’t—don’t call me that please.” She felt her breathing get faster, and she tried to calm herself down. It’s what her dad used to call her.

Jenna looked down as if ashamed. “I’m sorry. Nicole, then. It’s not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you here? After all this time?”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Waverly said suddenly. “I’m going to use the restroom.” Nicole gave her a grateful look. Even though she wanted Waverly by her side, she knew that this was something she had to do alone. Nicole gave her the directions to the bathroom, and once Waverly was out of sight, Nicole turned to her mom again.

She gathered her thoughts for a moments, trying to figure out what she wanted to say. “First, I want to apologize.” Nicole hadn’t thought about this until now, but she realized that there was a weight she was carrying, a guilt, that she knew she had to get off her chest.

“Apologize?” Jenna asked, shocked more than confused. “You have nothing to apologize for. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“The funeral,” Nicole said, sitting up straight. If she was going to apologize, she was going to mean it. She was going to look her mom in the eyes, and do it right. Realization faded into her mother’s eyes. “I treated you horribly that day. It’s not an excuse, but I was filled with so much pain. I was so mad at you; furious because you had hurt dad, and you had the audacity to show up.” Nicole shook her head, and kept her voice calm. “But I should of understood that no matter what happened, he had been your husband for thirteen years. For years, he was your everything, and you deserved to say goodbye.”

“I shouldn’t have shown up unannounced like that. I should’ve called you, warned you I was coming,” Jenna said.

“Maybe...” Nicole said, silence overcoming her.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” her mom whispered.

Nicole looked at her mom, and she knew that it was time. If she didn’t let it out now this reunion would be even more awkward, which considering how strange she already felt it was the last thing she wanted. Nicole knew, however, that she wouldn’t be able to hold back her anger, not with everything she had to say to her. So she let it fuel her, if only for a while. She spoke.

“I just... I don’t understand why you had to do what you did. If you two would’ve sat me down and told me you were getting a divorce, yeah it would’ve hurt, but what you did was ten times worse,” she said, breathing hard now. “You might’ve broken his heart if you told him you wanted to end things, but instead you _mangled_ it. You didn’t just bring a hammer to it, you threw it in the blender and put it on high. You could have just ended things, but you decided to sleep with random men instead. Men that you brought into the house, your _room_! When I was just A ROOM AWAY!” Angry tears were spilling out of Nicole’s eyes now. “You didn’t even do it while I was at school, you did it when I was HERE! How could you do that, mom? Huh? To me, to _him_? You took the coward’s way out, and all this time, I have been angry and _afraid_ because you couldn’t just end the goddamn thing.” Her entire body was shaking with fury, and she couldn’t stop it. Reliving everything, saying it out loud... it formed an earthquake inside of her.

Tears were silently streaming down her mom’s face, rivers and rivers that fell down to her shirt. Nicole took a moment to collect herself. She looked into her mother’s eyes, and felt like years’ worth of weight was now off her chest, but she didn’t feel good about it. The pain in her mom’s eyes reminded her of the pain in her father’s. But what was done was done. After Nicole had let her anger pass, she stood up and sat next to her mother on the other couch. “You messed up, mom—”

“I know—”

“Let me finish,” Nicole said, her voice assertive, but void of any anger now. “You messed up, but dad always told me to forgive people who make mistakes. I don’t want to hold on to that anger anymore, mom. I’m _tired_ of it.” She grabbed her mom’s hand. “I’m sorry for saying all of that. I really am, but what I’m trying to say is that I forgive you.” At those words, her mom threw herself into Nicole’s arms, and cried. Cried the way Nicole had cried to Waverly the day she drove away then came back. Cried out with broken sobs that held nothing but pain. Nicole hugged her back as tears of relief filled her own eyes. “I forgive you,” she whispered again and again.

After a few moments, Jenna pulled back. Her eyes were puffy, and her cheeks were wet with tears. “I want to apologize,” she said as she dried her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“No, mom, it’s—”

“Please, Nic. I want—no, _need—_ to get this off my chest.”

This time, Nicole didn’t flinch at the nickname. She nodded, and leaned back to look at her mother.

Jenna gave her a sad smile. “There is nothing that could ever excuse the decisions that I made. The only word I can use to describe who I was in those days is selfish. I want you to know that your dad never did anything wrong. He was always kind, respectful, and gave me the space I needed.” If possible, Jenna’s smiled became more despondent, as if revealing this information would push Nicole away again. This time, the tears that gathered in Nicole’s eyes were of sadness and longing for her father. “But out of nowhere, I found myself falling out of love with him. One day I just... I woke up, and I realized that I didn’t want to be with him anymore,” she admitted.

“He could tell,” Jenna continued. “He knew something was off with me, and he tried to talk with me about it, but every time I tried to tell him I wanted a divorce, I shut off. For a while, all I felt was guilt and despair, and it became too much to bear. I wanted to feel something different, so I turned to, well, I turned to sex.” She paused to look down ashamedly and take a deep breath.

“You don’t have to feel ashamed with me, mom,” Nicole said. “Not anymore.”

Jenna nodded. “I didn’t love any of those men, but they made me feel something other than pain and guilt. It was an easy way out. I didn’t want to break his heart, so I cheated on him instead.” She shook her head at herself, and Nicole could see the shame and disappointment in her eyes as clear as the stain of tears on her cheeks. “It was so twisted, I know that, but I didn’t want to hurt him. But in the end, I—”

“You hurt him ten times worse,” Nicole finished, her eyes faraway. “That’s something I understand,” she said sadly.

“Are you talking about Waverly?” her mom asked, surprised by Nicole’s comment.

Nicole nodded sadly. “I hurt her because I was afraid to hurt her,” she chuckled humorlessly. “But I didn’t want to—”

“End up like me?”

Nicole snapped her head up. “That’s not what I was going to say.”

“Maybe, maybe not, but there’s no denying the truth,” Jenna said, her tears finally subsiding. The sadness and regret on her face were unhidden. It hurt Nicole to admit that she was glad to see them, but another part of her knew that it was necessary to see. It brought home that her mom wasn’t an apathetic monster. She was just a human who had made mistakes.

“I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have, mom,” Nicole whispered as she shook her head.

“I made mistakes, Nic, there’s no doubting that. I’m _happy_ that you decided not to turn out like me.”

“Don’t let your mistakes define you, mom,” Nicole said. “I can see it in your eyes, the worthlessness you feel. You hurt dad, but it doesn’t have to take over your entire life. You are worthy of being loved.” Jenna remained silent, but Nicole knew from the look in her eyes, that was exactly what she needed to hear.

Nicole turned when Waverly cleared her throat behind her. “Okay if I join you?” Waverly asked hesitantly. Her eyes, however, were directly on Nicole.

“Of course,” Nicole said as she stood. She walked back to the other couch where Waverly joined her. Waverly wrapped her arm around Nicole’s shoulder, and Nicole slid down so that Waverly could do so comfortably with a chuckle.

“She’s right, you know?” Waverly said to Jenna. The room no longer felt awkward, just thick with emotion. “What you did, the people you hurt—it doesn’t matter. You still deserve to receive love, and you’re allowed to give it.”

Jenna nodded, a watery smile on her face as she looked at Nicole. “I like her.”

Nicole smiled, and looked at Waverly, wanting the room to feel lighter. “Ehh, she’s alright.” She winked.

Waverly laughed, and kissed the side of Nicole’s head. “As I recall, you told me you loved me.”

Nicole blushed, mainly because her mom was there. “I do.” She turned to look at her mom, and saw a glint in there. A knowing look... but what did she know? Nicole shrugged, and asked her mom for a cup of water.

❧

Nicole laid on her back in the guest bedroom. After talking with her mom and Waverly, Nicole realized that she desperately just wanted some alone time to process everything that had happened. After years of having no relationship with her mom, of not even calling to talk, she’d shown up and done the thing she didn’t think she would or could ever do in a million years. She’d forgiven her mom.

She’d had countless doubts when her and Waverly traveled back to her home town, but she’d done what was hardest. She’d confronted her mom, told her how she felt, and then let the anger she’d felt toward her wash away her tears.

She’d wondered if one day she would receive a call from a stranger telling her that her mother had died, how would she have felt? Would she have regretted never speaking to her again?

She guessed that none of those questions really mattered anymore. She’d come, and now her and her mother were in the beginnings of potentially fixing their relationship. She let out a deep breath. She couldn’t believe she’d actually come, and now the fear she’d felt before arriving felt ridiculous. She was okay. They were all okay.

Nicole was so lost in thought that she didn’t see Waverly walk into the room, and she was broken from her thoughts when Waverly was suddenly sitting on her hips. Nicole put her hands on Waverly’s waist and smiled. “Hey, beautiful,” she said.

Waverly leaned down and gave her a slow but long kiss that took Nicole’s breath away. “What was that for?” she asked when Waverly pulled away.

“That was my I-love-you-so-much-because-your-bravery-is-inspiring kiss,” Waverly said, the tip of her nose touching Nicole’s.

“That’s a very specific kind of kiss,” Nicole said. Waverly nodded and kissed her again, this time a little bit faster.

When Waverly pulled apart, she kissed Nicole’s nose. “I’m really proud of you, Nicole. Proud and _happy_ for you,” she said. “You trusted your gut and you came, and everything turned out okay.”

“Better than okay,” Nicole said. “We may still have a long way to go before we’re truly okay, but we’re on the right path now. Thank you for coming with me.” She smiled when Waverly hid her face in her neck. “You’re cute.”

“I know,” Waverly kissed, leaving a peck on her neck. “Thank you for inviting me. And yes, to everything you said. You get to build a relationship with her now, and you’re lucky to do so.”

Nicole squeezed Waverly’s waist and smiled sadly. She knew Waverly was thinking about her parents again. It pained Nicole that a parent could deny their child’s existence because they loved someone of the same gender. It hurt her chest to know that Waverly was one of those children, and she knew that Waverly would forgive them if given the chance. Maybe their relationship would take months to recover, but Waverly would forgive them. _She_ would show them what unconditional love was.

“It’s okay,” Waverly said, knowing full well what Nicole was thinking about. “I’m alright.”

“You know that if you want to talk about it, you can talk to me, right?”

Waverly nodded with a smile. “I know, babe. Thank you.” She leaned down again to give Nicole a quick peck.

“Hey, so, you got to meet my mom... do you want to meet my dad, too?”

“I’d love to meet him,” Waverly said with a smile that never failed to warm Nicole’s chest.

“Tomorrow?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

❧

Waverly and Nicole walked snuggled up close together toward the place Nicole hadn’t been to in six years. When they arrived, Nicole had to hold back her tears. “Hey, dad,” she said to the headstone. She had chosen the engraving. It read _Benjamin Haught, who always found a bright side, May 23, 1964 - Feb 8, 2012_. Nicole blinked away her tears. _No tears today. I’m here to celebrate him, not mourn him._ After taking a deep breath to gather herself, she allowed herself to smile. “I would’ve bought you flowers, but with the snow, they won’t last a day. Besides, didn’t you tell me once that you secretly disliked flowers?” Nicole said with a small laugh. Waverly chuckled beside her, and when Nicole looked at her, her smile grew. Nicole wrapped her arm around Waverly’s shoulders tightly.

“There’s someone I want you to meet,” Nicole said. “This is Waverly Earp, and she’s the woman who stole my heart before I even knew it.” Waverly squeezed her waist. “You would’ve loved her, dad. She’s funny—you two could go on with nothing but sarcasm and wit for hours if given the chance—and kind. She’s very forgiving and looks for the bright side in everything, and I think that’s another thing you two have in common.” She smiled and looked at Waverly. “She’s the strongest person I know.”

She looked back down at the headstone. “You used to be the strongest person I knew, dad. You would always put on a brave face, even if you were afraid,” Nicole said. “You’d look me in the eye and tell me everything was going to be okay. You were unafraid to be open and loving and vulnerable.” She stopped to pick and choose her words carefully. “There’s one more thing I want to say,” she said. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. I don’t know what happens when we die, but I like to think you’re up there watching over me. If you have, you probably know about how I blamed you for... for showing me the pain love could cause.

I didn’t mean to ruin your legacy like that, dad. If anything, you showed me how vast love can expand for someone, and how deep it runs. I felt like it was easier to view you as someone who had hurt me rather than facing myself and taking responsibility. But I know better now. I’ve grown, and I can only continue to do so.” Waverly squeezed her hand. “I love you so much, and I miss you more than you’ll ever know. I hope that one day we meet again.”

They stood in silence for a moment, before Waverly turned to Nicole and said, “Tell me more about him?”

Nicole nodded with a smile, and they went to a nearby bench. They didn’t care that it was wet, or that their asses would be freezing cold. Nicole spent the next half hour telling stories about her dad, her childhood, and even some memories that included her entire family. She told her about how her dad used to play guitar to her before going to sleep, how he could always make her mom laugh at the end of an argument, and about the time he fell off a skateboard and broke his wrist when him and Nicole were learning.

“Do you really think he’s somewhere watching over you?” Waverly asked.

Nicole shrugged, “I like to think so. Maybe it sounds strange, but there are times where I can almost _feel_ him. I know he’s keeping me safe.”

Waverly was about to respond when a woman yelled some ways beside them. Nicole turned and saw a boy around five running toward them. “ _Benji_!” the woman yelled as she followed him. Nicole was surprised when the boy stopped in front of them. He was smiling shyly, and Nicole almost gasped at his gorgeous green eyes, which popped out even more against his caramel complexion.

“Uhh, hi, little dude,” Nicole said. She pointed at his mother, who was still running to him. “Shouldn’t you go back to your mom?”

“No,” he said. His mom caught up, and Nicole couldn’t help but contain the laughter that was bubbling up in her throat at the boy’s blunt response.

“Benjamin Abbas Abaza,” the woman said as she came to a halt right beside the boy. “How many times have I told you not to run away like that?” Her tone was angry, but when she turned to Nicole and Waverly, she wore an embarrassed and apologetic look on her face as the end of her hijab blew in the wind. Her nose and cheeks were tinted pink from both the cold and the embarrassment. “I’m so sorry. We didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, it’s okay,” Nicole said with a wave of a hand and a friendly smile.

“Yeah, we were just talking,” Waverly said. “Besides, I don’t mind being interrupted by this cutie!” Waverly added, smiling at the boy with a missing tooth in the front.

“Benjamin you said his name was?” Nicole asked, looking at the boy’s mother. The woman nodded, and Nicole hummed. “That was my dad’s name... we were just talking about him.”

The woman smiled sadly. “I’m sorry for your loss. My mom died a few years back, that’s why we’re here, but then Benji here,” she said, looking at the boy with a stern look again, “decided to run off. Though, I should’ve expected it.”

Nicole furrowed her eyebrows, “Why?”

“Hi!” Benjamin said suddenly.

Nicole looked at him, stunned at his sudden blurt. “Hi,” she laughed. Waverly laughed, too.

“Do you want ice cream?” he asked.

“Uhh—” she looked at his mom, and then back at him. “Ice cream?” she asked, her voice laced with confusion.

His mom popped in to explain. “My mom, she died when Benji was one. Benji was too young to understand why his _jida_ was no longer around, and it wasn’t until last year that he finally began to understand why we came here often. One day, when it really hit him that my mom was gone, he started to cry.”

Nicole nodded sadly in understanding.

“Anyway, he loves ice cream, so I took him for some after he’d calmed down. While we were there, he saw these little ice cream gummies, and he wouldn’t let me leave the shop until I bought them. The next time we came here to visit my mom, he gave a gummy to everyone he saw. He understands now that the people who come here get sad, and since ice cream makes him happy, I guess this is his small way of spreading happiness.” The woman put a hand on top of her son’s head with a proud smile and look. “It’s just that he has a habit of running off to do so,” she laughed.

Waverly cooed and covered her heart with her hand as if stopping it from falling out. Nicole couldn’t help the tears that welled up in her eyes at the story. She smiled, dimples on display, and said, “Then, I’d love an ice cream, Benji.”

Benji turned to his mom and stuck out his hand. She took out a ziplock bag filled with mini ice cream cones, and Benji reached in. He turned back to Nicole and Waverly, and gave Waverly a vanilla cone. Then, he turned to Nicole and placed the cone gently in the palm of her hand. A single tear managed to escape when Nicole saw her cone. Strawberry.

“Thanks, Benji,” she said. She reached into her back pocket, and took out a five-dollar bill. “For you. When your mom says it’s okay, ice cream’s on me.”

He smiled brightly and leaned forward to hug her. “Thank you,” he said. She hugged him back, and when she pulled apart, his mom said that it was time to go.

“Keep spreading joy, kid,” Nicole said to him. “But don’t run away from your mom.” She gave him a faux stern look but smiled after. They said goodbye, and walked away.

“I guess he is watching you after all,” Waverly smiled, her eyes on the strawberry cone.

“I guess he is,” Nicole said. A smile overtook her face.

❧

Waverly and Nicole went back to Jenna’s house, and they talked for hours. They caught up, and while no one felt as natural as Waverly and Nicole did after their time apart, it felt good to Nicole to be able to talk with her mom, and for Waverly to be there with her. Nicole couldn’t believe her good fortune. To go from a hole in her chest to fulfillment now dripping from it because of two amazing women.

Nicole had forgiven her mother—something that she started working on weeks ago—and despite her fulfillment, it would take a lot of time to fully recover her relationship with her. The conversation flowed easily right now, but Nicole knew Waverly had something to do with it. Waverly could make even the worst of enemies find common ground and have a civil conversation.

Nicole looked at Waverly as she talked adamantly with her hands about all the times Nicole had fallen while ice skating (her mom, too, was telling Waverly about how bad of an ice-skater Nicole had been even as a kid), and didn’t stop the smile from growing on her face.

How she was able to deny her love for Waverly was a marvel because now she found that she couldn’t get away from it even if she tried. Still, she had Waverly to thank for waiting for her, for never giving up even when it seemed like she did. After all those years of treating herself and even a few others like crap, she’d ended up with someone filled with so much good. Waverly could make her heart melt with a smile, and butterflies erupt in her stomach with a single look.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Waverly asked Nicole, breaking her out of her thoughts.

“Just admiring your beauty is all,” Nicole said with a wink. She kissed Waverly’s cheek, who was grinning wide because despite the playfulness of the words, Waverly could see a look in her eye that showed more than that. Nicole looked at the clock, and knew it was time to go. She frowned.

“It’s time for you to go, isn’t it?” Jenna asked, a dejected smile on her face.

Nicole nodded.

“I’ll go get the suitcase from upstairs,” Waverly said before excusing herself.

Leaving, Nicole knew, would be bitter sweet, and she was right. Nicole stood up, as did her mother, and they hugged for a long time. In that hug, they said the words neither of them had been able to say— _I missed you so much_.

Jenna pulled apart, and she grabbed her daughter’s hands. “I can’t thank you enough you for coming. I realized last night that I hadn’t thanked you for putting everything that happened aside and taking the time to come and, well, I just—I love you, Nicole. You’re my daughter and I never stopped, and I wanted to remind you of that.”

Nicole nodded and smiled. “I know, mom.” Nicole loved her mom. She knew it. Despite everything, no anger could ever quell the love she had for her mother, but she wasn’t ready to say it. It gave her great pride to know that it wasn’t that she was afraid, but that she simply wasn’t ready. She was a okay with that.

Waverly came down the stairs and left the suitcase by the door. She walked up to Jenna and gave her a hug.

“Take care of our girl,” Jenna said. “I know she’s tough, but sometimes she’s a little _too_ tough.”

“Don’t I know it,” Waverly said. She laughed when Nicole smacked her shoulder.

“I wish we had more time,” Jenna said, looking at Nicole now.

“I’ll visit again soon, I promise.”

Jenna nodded. “Okay, honey.” She walked them out, and when Waverly got into the car, Jenna said to Nicole, “Hold on to her, Nic. Do everything I didn’t—be open, honest, and vulnerable. Got it?”

Nicole saluted her mom, and said, “Yes, sir.” Jenna rolled her eyes at her daughter’s playfulness, and smiled. The same dimples Nicole had appeared on her mom’s cheeks.

“I’ll see you soon, mom, but don’t worry, I’ll call,” Nicole said.

Jenna grinned, and Nicole noticed that the emptiness that was in her eyes when they’d arrived was gone. It made Nicole feel hopeful.

❧

“My heart feels full,” Nicole said as she leaned her head against the cool window. They were already halfway to the airport, but hadn’t said much. They were both letting everything that had happened this weekend sink in. “I wish we would’ve stayed for longer, though. Two days wasn’t enough, but I just didn’t think we’d actually be _good_ again, you know? Or on the way to good, at least.”

“I know,” Waverly said as she put her hand in the middle console palm up, waiting for Nicole to slide her fingers between hers. Nicole did so, and she smiled as she looked at Waverly, but it went away when she saw the pensive look on her face.

“What’s going on in that smart head of yours?” Nicole asked as she rubbed her thumb along Waverly’s hand.

Waverly bit her lip. “I’d rather not say because I don’t know how you’ll feel about what’s going on in it.”

“Now I’m scared,” Nicole said, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

“No, it’s not bad,” Waverly said as she kept her eyes on the road. “Just an idea...”

Nicole stayed quiet. The only noise was the ticking of the blinker.

Waverly threw a quick glance at Nicole once she made the turn. “I was just thinking, why don’t you, um... why don’t you stay for a while.”

Nicole widened her eyes. “What?”

Waverly didn’t back down. “Stay with your mom. Build a relationship with her again.”

“No,” Nicole said right away, stealing her hand back and leaning back against her seat. “I want to be with you. We’re just getting started too, you know. I’m not leaving you.”

“We’ll be a two-hour flight away from each other,” Waverly said, looking at Nicole as they stopped at a red light. “You aren’t leaving me, and I’m not leaving you.”

“Waves—”

“I can see it in your eyes, Nicole. You want to use this second chance, and as someone who _doesn’t_ have a second chance with her mom, I want you to have yours.”

Nicole stayed quiet for a moment at that. “I don’t know.” Waverly started driving again. Nicole was looking down and so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t realize Waverly had made a u-turn.

“Six months,” Waverly said as she pulled up to the curb and turned off the car.

“Six months what?” Nicole asked as she took off her seatbelt to fully face Waverly.

“Stay here for six months.”

“Waves, you’re kidding right?” Nicole said, her voice filled with disbelief. “That’s a long time!”

“It’s not like I won’t come visit you and you won’t visit me—just hear me out,” Waverly said when Nicole opened her mouth to speak. “You need to get out of Purgatory, and building a relationship with your mom is the perfect excuse. You said it yourself, it’s too soon to leave, and, this isn’t something you can just walk away from. I know you feel like you’ll be walking away from me, but you and I, babe, we’re set. I’m not going anywhere.”

”Neither am I,” Nicole said, looking Waverly in the eyes as she said so.

Waverly took Nicole’s hands. “I’m starting the next semester in a few weeks. While I teach for six months, stay here with your mom.”

Nicole opened her mouth and closed it again, not sure what to say. “What happens after those six months?” she asked.

“We get the hell out of Purgatory.”

“And go where?”

“Who cares?” Waverly asked. “As long as I can teach and you can build stuff, it doesn’t matter where we go.”

Nicole stared at Waverly for the next moment, looking her in the eyes to make sure she was being serious. “You’re serious?”

“One hundred percent,” Waverly said. “That’s not to say I won’t miss you, but it’s not like we’ll be too far, not like we won’t see each other. And couples have gone much longer than six months for farther distances and different time zones without being together. Who’s to say we can’t do this?”

Nicole bit her lip. “Goddamnit,” she muttered. She stared out at the window, looking at the trees, but not really looking at them. After a couple minutes she said, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Waverly asked, a smile growing. Nicole could tell that she was genuinely happy for her.

“ _Okay_ , I’ll stay. We’ll plan visits, and call each other every day—” Waverly squealed and hugged Nicole. Nicole laughed at couldn’t help but hug her back.

“You won’t regret this decision,” Waverly said. “You’ve already lost time with her. Get it back.”

“I love you, Waves. Sometimes I feel like I can’t put into words or even _show_ you how much I do, but I hope you never forget it.”

Waverly pulled back and kissed Nicole. “I love you, too,” she said. After, she faced forward again and put her seatbelt back on.

“Are you ready?”

Nicole smiled. “As I’ll ever be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go!!! I’ve not finished writing it yet, so I can’t tell you when it’ll be up, but if you want to stay updated, follow me on Twitter because I’m constantly annoying people with when I’ll update, where I am with a story, and blah, blah, blah.   
> Twitter: @writinginmind
> 
> Thank you for reading!! (Also, what’d you guys think of Benji?? I thought he was the cutest... well, honestly, I love the entire cemetery scene)


	13. It Ends at the Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took exactly one month to write and edit this, but it’s finally here! The final chapter of what was supposed to be a one-shot.
> 
> Happy reading :-)
> 
> P.S. Thank you 8Twelve, TheGayestEarp, and TacosAreTasty33 for reading this because I was nervous as fuck. Forever grateful for you three!

**6 months later**

Nicole’s legs were on fire, but she kept running. She ignored the stabbing feeling in her side, and her breakfast threatening to fall on the side of the road. She reveled in the cool rain sliding down her back, but cursed how sticky her arms felt. Her squeaking shoes and freeing laughter in between pants for breath were the only sounds in her ears.

She ran alone, so if anyone looked at her, they would’ve thought she was insane. She didn’t care. She loved to sneak out and play in the rain and could remember the times her mom had walked out onto the front porch to yell at her about how she would get sick. The one time she’d ran in the rain as an adult was out of desperation, out of a burning longing in her chest that pulled her forward like the white light in Donnie Darko.

This time, despite how much she wanted to fall to the street and take a breather, she ran in the rain out of pleasure. She ran just because she wanted to, until she reached the house she hadn’t seen in a month, the exact house she’d ran to last time. When she reached the door, she pushed away the hair stuck to her face, and knocked.

 _Coming!_ Nicole heard as she tried to catch her breath. The door opened, and Waverly stood on the other side, eyes wide. “Nicole?” she asked. After a moment, the shock transformed into joy. “Nicole!” she said, this time lunging forward into Nicole’s soaking body.

“Surprise!” Nicole laughed as she melted into Waverly’s warm embrace.

“What are you doing here?” Waverly asked as she pulled apart. She smiled so wide the sides of her eyes crinkled. “Scratch that. The more urgent question is why are you soaking wet?”

Nicole shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, but she was unable to let her lips and cheeks rest. “I felt like running in the rain.”

“You _felt_ like it?

Nicole nodded.

“Wow,” Waverly said.

“What?” Nicole asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“I think I’m rubbing off on you too much.”

Nicole’s smile grew. “Is that a bad thing?”

“Of course not!” Waverly said cockily.

Nicole scoffed. “So, are you going to let me in or...”

“Oh, right!” Waverly moved into the house, and Nicole followed.

“Whoa,” Nicole said. The house was bare save for boxes stacked upon boxes of kitchen towels and old furniture and blankets. They were filled with both of their things. Nicole had come by last month, and they’d spent three days cleaning out her house. They’d packed what they needed into boxes, brought it to Waverly’s, and they had sat in her living room gathering dust since then. When they said they would leave Purgatory as soon as Nicole got back to town, they weren’t kidding.

“I know,” Waverly said, her hands on her waist, looking around as if seeing her home for the first time before landing on Nicole again. Her look was so soft it made Nicole’s chest feel light.

“Come here,” Nicole said sweetly as she opened her arms. 

Waverly wrapped her arms around Nicole’s neck. “You know, this is oddly similar to the day you told me you loved me.”

Nicole leaned her forehead against Waverly’s. “This time, however, I’m not freezing cold. I just feel gross and sticky.”

Waverly laughed before shaking her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you’re actually here. To stay.”

“Me neither, babe,” Nicole said as she put a loose hair from Waverly’s messy bun behind her ear. She’d missed doing that.

“And I can’t believe you lied to me about coming back the day after tomorrow.”

“Lied?” Nicole asking, laughing. “Really? That’s the word you’re going to use?”

While it had hurt her to hear how disappointed Waverly was when Nicole told her she’d arrive a few days later than originally planned, she knew it would be a great surprise, so she willed herself not to say, _Just kidding!_

Waverly laughed, but it didn’t quite reach Nicole’s ears, because suddenly, she was getting lost in Waverly’s eyes. She couldn’t figure out why’d they taken so long, so Nicole closed the gap and kissed Waverly. Every time she came back to her after weeks of separation, their kisses held the same magic as a first kiss. It held all the cliché (but nevertheless true) things: the breath leaving her lungs, the butterflies in her stomach, even the goddamn fireworks. But while the first kiss just felt _right_ , this kiss was deeper. It felt like coming home.

When Waverly pulled apart, Nicole’s lips tingled like when you sat on your leg for too long. Waverly still had her eyes closed and looked like she was floating down from being seven feet in the air. When she fluttered them open, there was a warmth in them that could burn a hole in Nicole’s chest. Nicole’s lips turned up into a smile that could make anyone fall for her.

“Hi,” Nicole whispered.

“Hi,” Waverly said. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Nicole said, running her thumb against Waverly’s chin.

“But we’re getting out of here,” Waverly said. “You and me.”

“We’re getting the hell out of here,” Nicole grinned. Then, another thought came and she spoke before she could stop. “We’re going to move in together for the first time after having been apart for six months even though just a few days before that, I’d gotten the guts to call you mine.” She couldn’t help the nerves that gathered at the pit of her stomach. “Is this a good idea?” Doubt was lacing her voice the way poison laced a sweet apple.

“Babe, breathe,” Waverly said, laying her hand on Nicole’s chest. Nicole knew Waverly could feel her fast-beating heart, but with the simple touch from her, she felt herself get grounded. 

“It’s probably the worst idea ever,” Waverly said honestly, unable to stop herself from laughing. “But that doesn’t change anything. Despite what we went through the first few months of our relationship, we were happy and we _worked_. Yes, you were gone for six months, but somehow, we managed to make us work, and our relationship is stronger than ever. Maybe we’re stupid for doing this, but who cares about the rules? I love you, Nicole. I love you, and I want to live with you. I want to wake up to you every day, and come back from work to kiss you. I want everything with you, my love.”

Nicole couldn’t stop the tears that pooled at her eyelashes, and she felt ridiculous, but Waverly always said the right thing. “I want everything with you too.”

Waverly rubbed her nose against Nicole’s and kissed her lips a couple times before saying, “Good.” The twinkle in her eyes made Nicole grin.

“Good,” Nicole said. Waverly pulled apart, and it was then that Nicole remembered she was still soaking wet. “I should probably get in the shower now.”

“Crazy. I was just thinking the same thing,” Waverly said, the soft twinkle replaced with a much darker look that made Nicole weak in the knees.

“Then what are we standing around here for?” Nicole asked before following Waverly to the bathroom. She’d _really_ missed her. 

❧

The plan was simple: The new owners of Waverly’s house would arrive today, so Waverly and Nicole would stay the night at a motel because Waverly still had one more day of teaching. After school was over, they would drive separately to a woman in the city to sell Nicole’s car. Then they would leave. (They would share goodbyes with Hayley in their new apartment. She’d agreed to drive the moving truck for them, said she could have a small getaway from Purgatory.)

Lucky for them—something they took as a sign—everything went according to plan. No car (or mind) broke down. They’d driven straight to the woman in the city, and now Nicole sat in Waverly’s car counting the hundred dollar bills in her hand.

They were officially ready to go to their new home. They’d both agreed weeks before that they wanted to get out of the small town life and live in a big city that reminded them how small they were, no matter how cliché it sounded. They’d found cities they were interested in, but unable to choose, they wrote down seven of them on pieces of paper and mixed them up. Waverly put her hand in the cup they’d thrown them in, and the city of Marzipan came out.

“Three grand,” Nicole said as she slapped the money onto Waverly’s hand.

Waverly’s eyes widened. She didn’t care much for money, but she’d also never held three thousand dollars in the palm of her hand. She opened the compartment and arranged the cash as neatly as she could manage. Then, she settled back into the seat, and looked at Nicole with a smile so large Nicole thought it would tear her cheeks.

“Let’s go then, babe. To a life of new adventure,” Waverly said.

“Adventure _s_ ,” Nicole said. She put her hand in the middle, palm facing up, and when Waverly laced their fingers together she said, “Let’s get the fuck out of Purgatory.”

By the time they reached the open road, Nicole couldn’t keep the smile off her face. Everything they had gone through had led them to this moment. Before, she would’ve had trouble believing it, but now, she took it all in gladly. They had rented a small apartment in the city already, and Nicole knew that their adventure was just beginning. 

❧

**One and a half years later**

The first day Nicole awoke with Waverly in her arms, knowing that it would happen every day, she felt like the world was right. By the hundredth time, Nicole still felt the same. She felt grateful. Living with Waverly wasn’t easy in the beginning, not because she didn’t like living with her, but because they each had their own way of doing things.

Waverly washed the dishes the second she finished eating, and got angry at Nicole for not doing the same. Nicole liked to keep the toothpaste in the medicine cabinet, and Waverly kept it with the toothbrushes. It shouldn’t have mattered, it was _toothpaste,_ butit was another change in their already dramatically changed life. It was strange having to make a decision for two. It wasn’t just about where Nicole wanted the furniture, Waverly had an opinion too. Plus, Nicole hadn’t realized how messy she was until she looked at Waverly’s side of the closet.

They would get into arguments that an experienced couple would roll their eyes at, but eventually, they found their footing. It was a matter of both of them understanding that they had to take both opinions into consideration, make sacrifices for the both of them, and love each other deeply. Suddenly there was no space to hide their flaws, like how Nicole left her hairs on the shower wall or how Waverly slobbered when she took naps. It took getting used to, but in the end, really, their love for each other deepened. Nicole loved that she could come back home to Waverly and cuddle up with her at the end of the day to watch a movie.

Their first apartment was small—only one bedroom—but it had been perfect for them. It was nearby a construction sight Nicole worked at when she wasn’t working on starting her new business—woodworkings with messages that reminded people of their worth— and the school where Waverly taught was just a ten-minute walk away. Eventually, they settled into their new reality and everything was okay.

A year later, Nicole’s business blew up, and they moved to a one-story home with two bedrooms and a garage. They were more in love than ever. Nicole was so in love, in fact, that she found herself one evening in a jewelry store looking for engagement rings. The possibility of making Waverly her wife scared the living crap out of her, but when she looked at Waverly the next morning, face hidden under her messy hair. Nicole knew that this was it. There was no other woman for her.

She proposed. Nicole’s hands were shaking so hard as she held the box, but Waverly had said yes without hesitation.

Now, Nicole walked down the aisle, trying to push the nerves in her stomach as low as they would go. Her suit felt too tight, and she felt like everyone could see sweat stains under her arms.

To the left was her mother with her partner of seven months, Philip Sato. He had asked out her mother one day when she was volunteering at the pet shelter, and they’d been happy together ever since. To the right of her was Waverly’s mother and father. Seeing them is what made Nicole’s heart fill with pride at her soon-to-be wife. Waverly, what seems like a lifetime ago, had taught her about forgiveness, and when her parents reconnected with her, she’d proven that she was one of the few who lived by their own words. Nicole loved everything about Waverly, but it was her unconditional love for everyone that flooded her chest with pride.

It had happened last month.

_Waverly and Nicole were trying out their new ping pong table, laughter escaping their throats unashamedly because of how badly they played, when Waverly’s phone rang. Waverly dropped her paddle to the table with a loud bang when she saw who it was._

_Nicole scrunched her eyebrows in worry when a haunted look came over Waverly’s face. The phone rang and rang, but Waverly didn’t pick up._

_“Waves?” Nicole said, walking toward her. “What’s wrong? Who is it?”_

_Waverly’s mouth was agape and her eyes wide. The fear in her eyes wasn’t like when they were at the top of the Ferris wheel, or the first day Waverly taught in her new classroom. The fear was of someone who could feel the spark of hope involuntarily igniting within her. It was then that Nicole knew who was calling Waverly without having to look at the phone._

_They remained silent. Instead, with her eyes, Nicole told her that everything was going to be okay, that she was right beside her, ready to catch her if she fell. The phone stopped ringing. The garage was so quiet, someone might think they were trying to hide from an intruder._

_“She’s gonna call again,” Waverly finally said, her voice uncharacteristically small. “I know it, but what do I do?”_

_Nicole grabbed her face, and said, “You do what feels right._

_“Why is my mom calling me?” Waverly choked out._

_“I don’t know, baby.” Nicole whispered, catching a fallen tear. The phone rang again._

_Waverly gasped as if the noise had come from nowhere, as if she hadn’t been expecting it._

_Nicole knew Waverly wanted to hear her mom’s voice, see what she had to say. Nicole gave her the push she needed._

_“Don’t be afraid, Waves,” she said. “Answer it.”_

_Waverly didn’t wait another second before answering. She waited a few seconds, and when Nicole nodded in encouragement, Waverly said, “Hello?”_

_Nicole couldn’t hear what her mom was saying, and she was about to walk away to give Waverly privacy, but Waverly grabbed her wrist tightly. She shook her head. Nicole stayed. By the time Waverly’s mom finished talking—Nicole could hear her speaking but couldn’t understand what she was saying—Waverly’s face was wet with tears._

_To Nicole’s surprise, Waverly’s eyes, though they did bear sadness, weren’t sad. They were actually, kind of,_ happy _. Nicole raised an eyebrow at her._

_“Mom,” Waverly said. “It’s o—well, it’s not okay—but I’m sure I can pay you a visit, like you suggested.” Waverly paused, then spoke again,“No. I want to hear this when I see you. I’m going to hang up now, okay?”_

_There was another pause before Waverly hung up without saying goodbye._

_“What happened?” Nicole asked._

_Waverly gave her a face that said,_ you won’t believe what just happened.

Just three days later, Waverly and Nicole drove to Waverly’s parent’s house, which was three hours away from Marzipan. Before they knocked Waverly let go of Nicole’s hand until she remembered that she wasn’t the girl she was before, and while it hurt her that her parents hadn’t accepted her, she hoped things would go differently this time. So she grabbed Nicole’s hand just as her mom opened the door.

Her eyes went to their hands, and a flicker of surprise went through Michelle’s eyes. Waverly had told Nicole that she hadn’t actually told her mom that she was showing up with her partner, let alone the woman she was going to marry very soon. Nicole had tightened her grasp on Waverly’s hand and met Michelle’s eyes with determination. To her surprise, Michelle stared with just as much determination. Nicole could see then that whatever happened between Waverly and her parents was something Michelle wanted to put past them. They stepped inside, and the air was thick with tension. Nicole could see Waverly biting the inside of her cheek, and she was sticking right beside her.

Waverly hadn’t cried. Nicole knew she was done shedding tears for her parents, but that didn’t mean that Nicole couldn’t see her walls breaking. Waverly tried hard to remain emotionless, and Nicole wondered if her parents could tell. They talked for hours. Her parents apologized for the way they’d reacted, the way they’d treated her since then.

Nicole didn’t let go of Waverly’s hand once. They told Waverly that despite everything, they’d never stopped loving her. They had been disappointed and angry, they admitted, but their love for her couldn’t fade no matter what. Once they were done, Waverly talked. A lot. She spoke softly, she yelled, she stood (though she didn’t let go of Nicole’s hand), she sat, she paused to let her words sink in. Everything she’d ever held in came pouring out. 

In the end, Waverly told them that she hoped she could forgive them. (Nicole knew she would.) A month later, they were in the workings of fixing their relationship through public lunches, because Waverly didn’t want to be alone with them, with Waverly only, and eventually Nicole joined in. The entire time Waverly debated inviting them to the wedding, but Waverly, being the big-hearted person that she is, knew that she would feel guilty if her parents didn’t get to watch their daughter get married, so she invited them. They cried and congratulated her because they still hadn’t known they were getting married. They would take off their rings and leave them in the car.

Nicole had been pulled aside, and held in tears when Michelle told her that she was glad Waverly had found her, and that she couldn’t wait to call her her daughter-in-law. Nicole had told Waverly later, and Waverly finally cried. Nicole knew it would take a long time to finally move on from the pain, but she was glad that Waverly had gotten a second chance. 

However, Waverly refused to let her dad walk her down the aisle. It wasn’t something he deserved, Waverly said. Nicole could tell that her dad was hurt when Waverly told him, but he didn’t complain, and said that he completely understood. That was why Nicole walked down the aisle alone, out of respect to her fiancée.

She met her mother’s eyes, and smiled. The tears in her mother’s eyes made her hold back her own. She knew that her dad, wherever he was watching from, had tears in his eyes too. _Your little girl is all grown up, dad_ , she thought. Hayley and Marilyn sat together—they’d hit it off when they met a couple months ago, and became great friends.

Nicole made it to the altar, which was really just the floor with a white arch decorated with flowers. She looked down and adjusted her jacket, just to have something to do. She’d gone with an all lace shirt, with a white tux jacket and white pants that made her look _good_ , if she said so herself. Flowers were peeking out of her tux pocket, and she adjusted those too despite not needing adjustment. Suddenly, from her peripheral, Nicole saw Waverly. The woman who’d made it all possible. 

She walked in with a mermaid long wedding dress. It was strapless but had long lace sleeves. Nicole choked out a small laugh of disbelief. After what seemed like days, Waverly stood in front of her. They were finally going to get married. 

❧

**Three years later**

Nicole groaned as a loud cry woke her, but she didn’t move.

“Don’t worry, I got it,” Waverly said from beside her. Her words were jumbled together, and when Nicole looked at her, her eyes were still closed.

“Why do babies cry so much?” Nicole asked, forcing her eyes to remain open as she sat. “They’re too tiny to be crying this much.” She got up from bed, knowing that she was talking to herself by then.

Nicole walked to the room beside theirs, and despite having been woken up at three in the morning, her heart warmed when she saw Benji—named after the boy who’d given her the strawberry cone, and her father (somewhat)—who was almost three months.

She picked him up from his crib, and said, “Hey, baby.” His cries were loud, but as soon as she lay him in her arms and gave him his bottle, he was quiet. Swaying on the rocking chair, she, as always, tried to memorize his every feature. He was constantly changing. She couldn’t believe how lucky her and Waverly had been to adopt him.

Nicole had wanted to get pregnant, but unbeknownst to her, she was unable to have kids. She was devastated for weeks after finding out, but she got through it with Waverly by her side. Waverly had told her months before they were married that she wanted to have kids, but she didn’t want to carry. So, they’d turned to adoption, and were fortunate to adopt Benji once he was born. He had green eyes, and looked nothing like Waverly or Nicole, but he was _theirs_. Nicole ran her hand across his forehead and nose, and then down his stomach and finally back up to, what the doctors called, “his residual limb.”

Benji had one arm, and sometimes her and Waverly got looks of pity from strangers, but Nicole would only feel confused. A missing limb automatically made you stand out, she knew that, but there was nothing _wrong_ with him. There was nothing that deserved looks of pity, so Nicole vowed that she would never make him feel out of place or unloved, not when she knew that some people would.

“You’re so beautiful, Benji. You’re perfect. I’m going to love you no matter what, okay? That’s a promise.” His big eyes didn’t leave hers, but after a few minutes, he was asleep again. Moments later, she put him back in the crib, and stayed an extra minute just to watch him breathe when to her own surprise, her stomach grumbled.

She walked to the kitchen. Sleep had left her anyway. Halfway through spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread, Waverly walked into the room, raising an eyebrow. “What are you doing?” Her voice was laced with sleep.

Nicole shrugged. “I got hungry.”

“It’s three thirty in the morning.”

“I know. I’m just as surprised as you are,” Nicole smiled. “What are _you_ doing up?” 

“You didn’t come back. I thought you were still in Benji’s room.”

“Sorry,” Nicole said, smiling apologetically as she poured herself a glass of milk. “I should’ve told you I wasn’t going back to sleep.” 

“Well, as long as we’re both here, you want to make me one of those?” 

“Here,” Nicole said handing Waverly her snack. “Have mine, and I’ll make another.”

Waverly thanked her, and sat across the island. They were silent, but once Nicole sat beside Waverly and took a bite into the bread, Nicole spoke again. “I know it’s been three months, but do you still find yourself wondering, ‘I can’t believe we’re moms’?” 

Waverly smiled, and Nicole knew she was thinking of Benji. “All the time.”

“You’re a great mom, Waves. You’re so calm and collected when... I’m not.” Nicole looked down, ripping a corner of the bread.

“I am,” she said. Nicole lifted her head in surprise. That’s not was she was expecting to hear. “But you,” Waverly continued, “are calm and collected when _I’m_ not. It’s called balance, babe. And we just happen to work really well together.”

“I guess I hadn’t thought about it that way,” Nicole said as she thought back to the times Waverly cried because she was afraid of messing up, when she felt frustrated, or just needed space. “I was just focusing on all the times I’d done the wrong thing.”

“Haven’t we gone over this?” Waverly asked with a teasing smile. Done with her snack, Waverly faced Nicole and put her hands on her face. She gently rubbed Nicole’s cheek with her thumb. “We’re going to make a lot of mistakes, Nicole. Sometimes separate, sometimes together, but that doesn’t make you a bad mom, okay?” 

Nicole leaned forward and kissed Waverly before leaning her forehead against hers. “Okay.” 

“Okay,” Waverly said, kissing her chastely once more. “Do you want to go stare at Benji with me?”

Nicole laughed. She couldn’t help it. Waverly could rid of her fears and insecurities with just a couple words. “Nothing would make me happier, my love.”

❧ 

**16 years later**

Nicole’s cup of coffee was halfway to her lips when there was a knock at the door. Furrowing her eyebrows before remembering that Benji had told them that a friend was coming over for a history project, she opened the door. A tall girl with black hair that stopped at her shoulders, green eyes that rivaled Benji’s, and a backpack hanging off her shoulder, stood on the other side.

“Hi,” Nicole said, giving the girl a warm smile. “You must be Andy, come in.” After telling Andy to make herself comfortable, Nicole went to Benji’s room. 

“Benji, the girl from your history class is here,” Nicole said as she peered through the door. She was surprised to find that she could actually _see_ his floor and desk. Waverly’s attempts at making him more organized hadn’t worked, and she’d given up last year. 

“ _Mom_ ,” Benji said right away, almost groaning in embarrassment. “They’re gender neutral. Their pronouns are they/them.”

“Oh, sorry,” Nicole said genuinely, scrunching her nose. “Are you going to work in the living room or want me to tell Andy to come upstairs?”

“Tell them to come up, please?” Benji said as he started taking out books from his backpack. 

Nicole was about to leave when she looked at Benji again and said, “Door open,” adding a glare for good measure. She stifled a laugh when Benji turned to her with wide eyes and reddening cheeks.

“I know, mom,” he muttered, turning back down to his backpack. 

Nicole laughed as she left.

“What are you laughing at, gorgeous?” Waverly asked as she stepped out into the hallway.

“Benji’s got a friend over, and he told me to tell them—before we go down, Andy’s pronouns are they/them—”

“Got it.”

“—to come up to his room, and I reminded him to keep the door open, and his face turned _so_ red.”

Waverly laughed and cooed. “I think our son’s got a little bit of a crush.” When they got to the living room Waverly introduced herself to Andy.

“You can just go on up,” Waverly said. “Benji’s room is the second door to your left. Do you want something to drink or eat before you go up?”

“I’m okay,” Andy said, smiling. “But thank you.” Nicole gave them a curt nod before Andy walked upstairs.

Waverly sat on the couch and sighed.

“You okay, love?” Nicole asked as she sat beside her.

“I’m good,” Waverly said. “Just tired.”

“Well you _are_ turning forty-eight next month,” Nicole said. She herself was already forty-nine. 

Waverly slapped her arm. “I may be turning forty-eight, but I’m still hot as hell.”

“Don’t need to tell me that,” Nicole said, running her eyes down her wife’s body. “You’re as beautiful as the day I met you.”

“You mean the night you ran out on me at Shorty’s?” Waverly asked, eyebrow raised.

Nicole groaned. “Don’t remind me. To this day, I hate thinking about how I treated you, how I treated myself.”

“That was more than twenty years ago, Nicole.”

Nicole nodded. “I know. I’m only half-kidding,” she winked. “I’m just glad we’re here now. My life with you has been extraordinary. Every adventure, every fight, every kiss, everything we got to experience together... I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

Waverly’s eyes softened, and she kissed Nicole. No matter how long they’d been together, kissing Waverly was something that always made Nicole feel like the Earth had disappeared. Waverly kissed her slow and delicately but it was a kiss filled with endless love.

 “I love you.”

Nicole smiled. “I love you too.” She moved closer to Waverly and wrapped an arm around her. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Sounds good,” Waverly said as she lay her head on Nicole’s shoulder.

Almost two hours later, once Waverly and Nicole were nearing the end of the movie, Benji came downstairs. Nicole paused the movie, and pat the empty seat beside her when she noticed Benji tapping his thumbnail with his index finger—a nervous habit he picked up from Waverly.

“What’s wrong, Benji?” Waverly asked, glancing upstairs with a fire in her eyes. She always turned into protective mama bear when something threatened the happiness of her son.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Benji said quickly. “Don’t worry.” 

“Then why do you look so nervous?” Waverly raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not—”

“Benji,” Nicole said. “We’re your moms. We can read you better than anyone.” 

Benji met Nicole’s eyes and physically relaxed. It was like he remembered who he was talking to, the people he loved and trusted most in the world. 

“I—uhh— _God_ , this is awkward.” His cheeks were turning red. 

Waverly reached over Nicole’s lap, and put a hand on Benji’s jumping knee. “Take a breather, kid. It’s just us.” 

“Okay,” Benji said, biting his lip. “ _IthinkIhaveacrushonAndy_.”

“Whoa, there,” Nicole said. “One word at a time, honey.” She’d caught her son’s words, but she wanted him to admit them clearer. 

He didn’t meet his moms’ eyes as he said, “I think I have a crush on Andy.”

“You think or you _know_?” Nicole asked.

He met her eyes confidently. “I know.”

“Okay,” Waverly said softly. “Is there a problem with that?”

“Yes... no... I don’t know,” he sighed.

“Why don’t you know?” Waverly asked, her bottom lip jutting out in confusion.

“I’m just... I’m scared,” he said. He looked at Nicole, and she almost gasped when she saw the look in his eyes. It was the same look she’d seen in her own eyes for years. The look that maybe he wasn’t worthy of love.

“Scared of what?” Nicole asked softly. Waverly grabbed her hand and squeezed. She knew that she was seeing the same thing she was.

“Of being rejected.”

Nicole, feeling the need to ease the tension said, “Why would they reject a boy as handsome and kind as you?” 

Benji didn’t respond, and he looked down.

“Benji?” Waverly said, her voice concerned.

“Because of this,” he said harshly, pointing at his stump. “You know that I’m literally the only boy in school who doesn’t have two arms?” His eyes held a fire in them, but they were tamed by tears.

Nicole felt her heart break into pieces. She wanted to tell him that he was perfect the way he was. That there was nothing wrong with how he looked, but they were words he’d heard before. They wouldn’t make a difference, so she took a different approach. Waverly, who was always on the same wavelength as her, moved her hand to her knee and squeezed. 

“Did we ever tell you about the beginning of us, of your mom and I?” Nicole asked.

Benji looked up, surprised at the change in topic. “You told me how you met, that’s it.”

“I used to be a different person,” Nicole said. “I didn’t treat people right, I’d hurt others and myself, and I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved. I had a flaw, and I didn’t think anyone could ever love me for it. Then, I met your mom.” Nicole looked over at Waverly and smiled. Somehow, her love for her wife still grew everyday. “She loved me despite my issues, my flaws, and my problems. Most people would’ve pushed me away when they found out how... _broken_ , I was, but not her. She stuck to my side, and never once let go.

“You’re going to meet people, Benji, who will reject you right away. The way I bet some people reject Andy for using they and them pronouns. The way we’ve been rejected for holding hands in public. It’s always going to be like that because people fear what’s different.”

Benji sighed. “This isn’t making me feel better, mom.”

“ _But_ ,” Nicole continued with a smile, “You’re also going to meet people who love and adore you right away, exactly as you are. Andy is already your friend, B. They already accept you. When you find someone like that, and you realize you have feelings for them, that’s when you take a risk. That’s when you throw caution to the wind. You might find out they like you back, but if they don’t, then now you know. At least you tried. But don’t _ever_ let someone else’s opinion of you dictate how you feel about yourself. You are worthy of love, honey, okay?” 

Benji blinked away his tears and hugged Nicole. “Thanks, mom.” Then, he hugged Waverly. “Both of you,” he said. “I love you guys.”

“We love you too,” Waverly said. “Now why are you still here? Go ask Andy out!”

They knew Benji was okay again when he groaned, “ _Mom_!” but he was already halfway up the stairs before they could say anything else.

Nicole turned to Waverly and hugged her. She needed to feel her, to remind herself that they were all okay.

“That was beautiful, babe. I’m so proud of you,” Waverly whispered, running a hand through Nicole’s hair.

Nicole pulled apart, but not before kissing Waverly’s cheek. “It’s crazy, though isn’t it?”

“What is, babe?”

Nicole smiled. “That this is just the beginning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now what? Do you know what to do? Cause I don’t. Okay, seriously, we’ve reached the end of this super angsty fic, and I can’t thank you enough for reading it. I love writing, but sometimes it’s hard, and you guys are the reason I pushed through. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting.
> 
> Thank you to my betas 8Twelve and TheGayestEarp!! This fic wouldn’t have been the same without you two. You calmed my nerves more times than you know, and made this story better. (And caught lines that made absolutely no sense.) I appreciate the both of you.
> 
> So, what’s next for AGirlWithPicturesInHerMind?
> 
> I’ve decided that I will no longer write long Wayhaught fics... by myself ;). HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that you can’t expect random one-shots, or even a short series. AND okay, technically I AM writing one more fanfic, but I won’t be doing it alone...
> 
> TacosAreTasty33 and I have decided to collab! While I can’t give you any details or when that story will be released, just know that we’re working together to write a great fic and we’re super excited about it!!
> 
> Well, that’s it for this note and this fic. Thank you again. I appreciate each and every one of you. Until next time <3

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you’re thinking!


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